Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Little Johnny, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Little Johnny replied.

 

[moreluck]

Oxymorons........

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

 

[moreluck]

The Letter

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

[moreluck]

A Classic

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

 

[traveler]

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
including the curtain rods.

 

[traveler]

New exercise routine if you're over 40.


You might want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.







Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!







SCROLL DOWN...





















































































NOW SCROLL UP.. ...

That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.

 

[traveler]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the Computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ..in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error ?

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T


I used to like Harold...

 

[traveler]

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.They didn't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tried to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said, as they drove away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

 

[traveler]

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,
probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man! unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."
As the old man began eating his French fires, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table.
He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them! another meal.
This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

 

[traveler]

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything without success.



One day, she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."



The woman tries it, and when she comes home from the hypnotist and she tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."



"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"



His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."



The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."



His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"



The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back."



He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"



The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning.



Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

 

[rd0127]

THE JUMPER

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

Homer replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. "

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

[cheryl]

Subject: Why are we there?


Every day there are news reports about more deaths.

Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Some of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have an unstable leadership. Many of their people are uncivilized.

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Their folk ways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. We can't even secure their borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild their infrastructure, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?


It is becoming clear to us all...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
<font size="+1">WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!</font>

 

[moreluck]

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

 

[moreluck]

An American In Paris
>
> >
> >An elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French
> Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
> >
> >"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur ? " the customs officer asked
> sarcastically. The old man admitted that he had been to France previously.
> >"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
> >
> >The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
> >
> >"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival
> in France!"
> >
> >The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
> explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Normandy on D-Day in '44, there
> wasn't
> a Frenchman in sight to show it to."
>

 

[robonono]

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (This warrants a big "no ?")

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (a deterrant arguably more effective than tickets)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? (not if I use Charmin)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (Try to picture the foreplay)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death (probably a Union thing)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (might }}create the world's best-behaved group of teenagers)

War Dims Hope for Peace (kind of like 'sex dims hope for celibacy')

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (example of a reporter with one brain cell, dying of lonliness)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (another mental giant)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (define "slay")

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (it does the same thing to my paycheck)

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge (...after that, he's going to stick his tongue in a light socket)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (what? like maybe hippos?)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (he lit a match...the spacecraft is now on Saturn)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Yeah, but only if served on low-fat Triscuits)

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy ("Throws his heart"? Yuucchh!)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Those Amazonian cannibals get around)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Litigation could be drastically reduced by just making the doorways higher)

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Like, they were WHAT before the storm??)

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Geography of Women &amp; Men


GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past >and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

 

[navigator]

Why are ther no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets..

 

[navigator]

Why does an archeologist make a good husband/
Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.

 

[moreluck]

THE BABY

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

" Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. It's rust."

 

[traveler]

<font size="+1">Warning to all:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it !!!

This is a scam; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd found this out yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.
</font>