Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

BANK CUSTOMER SERVICE

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...

...she leaned over and pushed me.

 

[traveler]

FOOTBALL

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, they kept screaming 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents

 

[moreluck]

Subject: secretary

Sherry the secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.

"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.

"You're not sterile..."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Robot bartender



>A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only
> dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any good bartender, engage
> in appropriate conversation.
>
> A man enters the bar, orders a drink. The robot serves him a perfectly
> prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man replies, "150."
>
> And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics,
> string theory, atomic chemistry, etc. The customer is very impressed and
> thinks, "This is really cool."
>
> The customer decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns
> around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him
> the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man responds, "100."
>
> And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
> baseball, cheerleaders, etc.
>
> Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
> one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's
> your IQ?"
>
> The man replies, "50."
>
> And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry?
>
> --
> Leadership not Inconsistency - Flush both Johns on November 2
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Teacher Arrested

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

[mr_roboto]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ....what?

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: WHAT SEX IS YOUR COMPUTER?


A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is
masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So
for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands
their internal logic

2. The native languagethey use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women Won

 

[moreluck]

Bartenders Psychology:
>
> Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
>
> Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a
> woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed
> separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
>
> The results:
>
> Drink: Beer
> Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
> Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
>
>
> Drink: Blender Drinks
> Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
> Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
>
>
> Drink: Mixed Drinks
> Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
> taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
> Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,
> she'll send YOU a drink..........................
>
> Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
> Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
> Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
> with friends.
>
> Drink: White Zinfandel
> Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually,
> she has NO clue.
> Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an
> easy target.
>
> Drink: Shots
> Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
> totally drunk... and naked.
> Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.
> Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
>
> Drink: Tequila
> No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
>
> THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
> The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
>
> Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
>
> Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
>
> Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image
> to help him get laid.
>
> Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
>
> Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
>
> White Zinfandel: He's gay
>

 

[moreluck]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl raised her hand and said, " All I want out of life is four
animals."

The teacher asks "Really? And what four animals would that be?"

The little girl relied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger
in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

 

[moreluck]

While in the Middle East I bought an ink pen.

I can't get it to work though. I just don't understand Arab-Bic.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Riders

Four elderly ladies came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you ladies have a good game today?"
The first lady said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

The second lady said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third lady said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last lady said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.
Aren't you proud of me?"

After they went into the ladies locker room, an elderly golfer that had
heard the ladies telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I have
been playing golf for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of
the game, but what the hell is a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider occurs when you hit the ball far enough to get in
the golf cart and ride to it."

 

[moreluck]

WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOU


> Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years
> old
> to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.


> My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's
> 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

> The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
> breathing again.

> I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
> pound. Apparently you have to go
> there.

> I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
> I'm
> doing.

> I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

> I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

> The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

> If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

> And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump
> right
> out of my glass.

> You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to
> them.

 

[moreluck]

Laughable Labels. . . . . . . . . .

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns: "Pepper spray may irritate your eyes"! Gee, we hope so!

A brand of insect spray which says it works on flies, wasps & mosquitoes and other insects, concludes: "Not tested on animals."

Note on a bottle of children's cough syrup: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery.

A label on an ocean buoy used to detect submarines warns: "Protect from seawater."

A disclaimer on a set of juggling balls reads: "Not suitable for children under the age of 14 in Europe or 8 in the USA." Huh???

A notice on a camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside."

A bottle of Nytol sleeping tablets cautions: "May cause drowsiness." Wow! Who'd have guessed ?

On the CycleAware rearview mirror: "Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a folding sunshade for car windshields: "Please remove before driving."

Found on a Halloween Batman costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

Good advice on a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

Note on a bag of Sainsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Letter of Recommendation

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

[moreluck]

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Inheritance

> > The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed
> > > good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
> > > "May I help you?" she asked.
> > > "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
> > > "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
> > > someone else," said the madam.
> > > "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
> > > Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000
> > > a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
> > > bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
> > > The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
> > > Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
> > > expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
> > > Again! the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
> > > upstairs. After an hour, he left.
> > > The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
> > > had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went
> > > upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
> > > "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
> > > The man replied, "South Carolina."
> > > "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
> > > "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
> > > She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
> > >
> > > The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
> > >
> > > 1. Death
> > > 2. Taxes
> > > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

 

[moreluck]

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes*

* "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

* "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

* "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

* "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."

* "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting."

* "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."

* "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."

* "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."

* "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."

* "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Canada

A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.

"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.

"Not guilty!" replied the accused.

"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk." the judge said.

"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I did."

 

[moreluck]

The Baptist Bra:
>
> A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He
> told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
>
> With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?"
>
> He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a
> Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."
>
> "Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests
> for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
> or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
>
> Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the
> differences?"
>
> The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
> supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, the
> Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
>
> He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the
> Baptist type for?"
>
> "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."
>
> Bra Sizes:
>
> Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, friend, G, and how the letters
> used to define bra sizes?
>
> If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
> for, it is about time you became informed!
>
> {A} Almost Boobs...
> {B} Barely there.
> {C} Can't Complain!
> {D} Dang!
> {DD} Double dang!
> {E} Enormous!
> {friend} Fake.
> {G} Get a Reduction.
> {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: football game

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.

"You know," he said to our grandson Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerfully. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."