Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Alphabet For Life......

Accept differences
Be kind
Count your blessings
Dream
Express thanks
Forgive
Give freely
Harm no one
Imagine more
Jettison anger
Keep confidences
Love truly
Master something
Nurture hope
Open your mind
Pack lightly
Quell rumors
Reciprocate
Seek wisdom
Touch hearts
Understand
Value truth
Win graciously
Xeriscape
Yearn for peace
Zealously support a worthy cause

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Mary & Jill

Mary: There are two men sitting alone at the bar over there.

Jill: So?

Mary: Well, we're two women alone sitting over here at a table. What do you think that adds up to?

Jill: Four losers?

 

[cheryl]

DEVIL VISITED A LAWYER

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

 

[cheryl]

Q. Why is Nevada having to store all the toxic waste in their state while California gets all the lawyers?

A. Because Nevada got first choice.

 

[moreluck]

In case you read the Alphabet For Life, here's the definition for xeriscape (I didn't know what it was.)

Xeriscape:
...A trademark used for a landscaping method that employs drought-resistant plants in an effort to conserve resources, especially water....

 

[moreluck]

Jewish Wedding.....

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious
wedding meets with their rabbi for
counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions
before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance
with men, and women to dance with
women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance
together, like the rest of the world."


"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women
always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have
sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good
thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a
couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a
bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: guns vs women

Top 10 reasons why some men favor handguns over women.

#10 you can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 you can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8 If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, He'll probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.

# 6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4 Handguns function normally everyday of the month.

# 3 A handgun doesn't ask, do these new grips make me look fat?

# 2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

# 1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun

 

[moreluck]

R.V.-ing

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life packages."

 

[moreluck]

Bribe

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Balanced

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.

"Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: You Might Be A Floridian if.....



You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

The freezer in your garage is full of homemade ice.

You flinch when you are introduced to a person named Charley, Frances or Ivan.

You find yourself dropping words like "millibar" and "convection" into everyday conversation.

Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti-os.

Making coffee on your propane grill does not seem like an odd thing to do.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe place.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $2 for a gallon of unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You have the number for FEMA on your speed dialer.

You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 5-pound catfish. In your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chain saw.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Relocating to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

 

[moreluck]

Expensive Ring


A white-haired old man walked into a jewellery store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

Our jeweller looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweller went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?" asked our jeweller.

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweller phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

 

[moreluck]

Did you know that.....

111,111,111 X 111,111,111 =

12345678987654321?

 

[moreluck]

STUPID INSTRUCTIONS:

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll- Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." - - On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Gas Prices

Conversation overheard at the gas station between two
blondes....

First blonde: "I expect they'll be raising the gas
prices again soon."

Second blonde: "Won't affect me. I always put in just
$20 worth."

 

[crappie]

I think moreluck post this crap top get off topic from the front postings!!!!!

 

[moreluck]

crappie....good name!!

What exactly are front postings?? I think people's tastes are all different and what's "front" for you may not be "front" for someone else. Don't read the crap if you don't like it!

 

[crappie]

good name more luck, hard 8?play the pass line.

(Message edited by crappie on October 20, 2004)

 

[traveler]

<font size="+1">Subject: A Mans Way Of Thinking


One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went fishing. </font>

 

[moreluck]

A Special License

There was a woman of questionable intelligence driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."