Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

About most Italians....

Most Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $179 stove from
American Appliance in the basement to cook.

Strohmeman and Wonder was for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
only.

There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room,
front porch, and backyard.

A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-ar-dee, Franco
American, Ragu, Prego, or anything else in a jar or can (tomato
paste is the exception).

The following are Italian holidays: First weekend in October
(grapes for the wine), 3rd weekend in August (tomatoes for the
gravy), speaking of which, it's GRAVY and not sauce.

Meatballs are made with pork, veal, and beef. We are Italians, we
don't care about cholesterol so turkey is an infamnia.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, and
lasagna.

If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face ... it's
SHCAROLE for that matter, if they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP,
let the idiot know that there is no wedding nor is their an
Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.

No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you
still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf
of bread in the gravy pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed
down, you'll make up for it next week at confession.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00

Getting screamed at by Mom ... half the sentence was English, the
other half Italian.

Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail
you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen, while you're
in the living room!

 

[navigator]

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Rookie Skydiver

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again.

Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.

Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

 

[moreluck]

YIKES......

> While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
> direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
> him
> up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When
> another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east,
> (and
> has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
> that stuff."
>
> . . . . She also votes!
> _____________________________
>
> I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got
> a
> call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
> told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
> He
> responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
> quickly, I said, "Uh ... Pacific."
>
> . . . . He also votes!.
> _____________________________
>
> So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
> overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got
> on
> her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
> "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
>
> . . . . She also votes!
> _____________________________
>
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a
> seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
>
> . . . My sister also votes!
> _____________________________
>
> My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
> discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The
> cashier
> multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
>
> ... He also votes!
> _____________________________
>
> I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
> attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
> rip
> out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose
> and
> ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
>
> . . . My friend also votes!
> _____________________________
>
> My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place
> last
> week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The
> clerk
> didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more
> expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If
> that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the
> menu?"
> To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."
>
> . . The clerk also votes!
> _____________________________
>
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
> lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
> She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
> and I was in good hands. "Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived
> yet?"
>
> . . . She also votes!
> _____________________________
>
> In November, you have the opportunity to help decide who will be the
> leader
> of the most powerful free nation in the world ...
> and so, unfortunately, does everyone else.
>

 

[moreluck]

Two Old Ladies

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot..

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

 

[moreluck]

What I Want In A Man!

What I Want in a Man................ Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want in a Man............ Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man................. Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy sodas with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man................ Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man..................... Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man........................ Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is better than sex!

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's ok when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. 40 Years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

and the number one reason Trick or Treating is better than sex:

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Nun in a cab





A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun kisses him. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

 

[moreluck]

Student Pilot...

Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have
the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."

 

[moreluck]

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued
the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for
making them fat."
The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."
The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."
The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"
The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've
slept with."

 

[moreluck]

A groaner.......

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own
business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current
occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be
a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling
the
birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being
used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except
the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.
The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical
people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea
feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather
merchant very happy. There was one small problem.
The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The
concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the
nature of the illness.
It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a
severe case of... "dye a rhea."

 

[moreluck]

Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. This is good news for "those feeling a little older " and missing those great old tunes.
.
Herman's Hermits
"MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"
.
The Bee Gees
"HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"
.
Bobby Darin
"SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"
.
Ringo Starr
"I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"
.
Roberta Flack
"THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"
.
Johnny Nash
"I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"
.
Paul Simon
"FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"
.
Commodores
"ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"
.
Marvin Gaye
"I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"
.
Procol Harem
"A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"
.
Leo Sayer
"YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"
.
The Temptations
"PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"

 

[moreluck]

Like His Mother ...

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard;
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right.
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then, I turned around and smacked him;
Like his Mother used to do.

 

[moreluck]

Darwin Awards....

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's
time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every
year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby
removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees
are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a
former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death
when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March
as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type
truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while
Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a
troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and
the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in
December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew
it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states
always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a
downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman
said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion
Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength
of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the
firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one
of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
(Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the
awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed
for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions.
There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts
of methane gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a
couple of other things). It was just the right combination of
foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing
the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been
outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom.
According to the article, "He was a big man wi! th a huge capacity
for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick,
and one was hospitalized.

 

[moreluck]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit


Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, I wish that Mr. Bear was gay! and rode off as fast as he could.

 

[moreluck]

There are two kinds of home-repair projects: those too big to undertake yourself and those too small to bother with.

The first kind, you can't afford, and the second kind, if left alone, will develop into something you can't afford either.

 

[moreluck]

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
Time, Words & Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost -
Peace, Hope & Honesty.

Three things in life that are most valuable -
Love, Faith & Prayer

Three things in life that are never certain -
Dreams, Success & Fortune

Three things that make a man -
Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a man -
Lust, Pride & Anger

Three things that are truly constant -
Father, Son and Holy Ghost

 

[traveler]

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the net, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.



As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.



With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.



Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportunately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a date with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.



The student received the only "A" given.

 

[traveler]

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

 

[moreluck]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."