Heard any good ones?

[traveler]

If you are a practicing Catholic or were raised Catholic, this is very funny.

AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

[moreluck]

Forgive...

Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, the
minister asked his congregation,"How many of you have forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated
his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their
hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small

elderly lady."Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to
forgive your enemies?." Smiling sweetly, she replied. "I don't have any." "Mrs.
Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" asked the minister.
"Ninety-three." She replied" "Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you
are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all
how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said in a loud voice: "I outlived the Bitches."

 

[navigator]

When I hear the Christmas story of Jesus being born in a manger, I have the feeling that Mary and Joseph had the same maternity benefits I do!

 

[moreluck]

Health Questions and Answers

1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat turkey or chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable slop.


3. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


4. Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is No Pain -- Good.


6. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?


7. Q: What's the real secret to healthier eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


8. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


9. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's the best feel-good
food around!

 

[moreluck]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but
you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so, and there's nothing you can do about it!

 

[moreluck]

Funny Statistics

1. Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an
enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film : 4


2. Number of men who have written letters
proposing marriage to Vanna White : 3506


3. Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8
Age most people stop believing in politicians : 7


4. Number of chemical elements in the universe : 104
In a glass of New Jersey tap water : 98


5. Number of "Yuppie-dramas" now being developed
by the 3 major networks : thirtysomething


6. Number of days into baseball season before
Cleveland Indians are written off as pennant
contendors : 5


7. Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen
ski slope : 17
On Tammy Bakker : 1/4


8. Salary of the average Pro Wrestler : $47,500 /yr.
If Pro Wrestling didn't exist : $4.25/hr.


9. Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney : 2,000,000
Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney : 23,000,000


10. Average miles per gallon you can expect if a
car maker's ad says " 30 mpg, city" : 23


11. Number of pe.ople who aren't doctors, but play
them on TV : 57
Who aren't doctor's but play them in
hospitals : 5,840


12. Number of pe.ople in the history of air travel
who have been able to get a $99 Maxsaver
fare to coast : 2
Restrictions for that fare : 237


13. Percentage of the public that understand the
new tax code : 11%
Percentage of accountants who understand it : 9%
Percentage of IRS employees who understand it : 6%


14. Number of people who work for the government : about half


15. Number of Americans who believe any of the
statistics on this page are accurate : 2,478,644
Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy : 2,478,644

 

[moreluck]

Mistletoe At The Airport


It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned
a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one
suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not
real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort
of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a
ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd
have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

 

[moreluck]

How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson


And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how
they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays.


Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to
the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to
panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.

When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night tv.

Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of
their hair.

Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to
shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work
decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to
enjoy the scenery.

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".

Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they\
buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts....and
reposition them them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from
doing it again.

Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer."
Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas."
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".

Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the
week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing
in Santa Claus...

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Groaners


What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a
chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

 

[moreluck]

Amusing Irrelevant Facts

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit
cards.


2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.


3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland.


4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called .


5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time areteenagers.


6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.


7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of
his territory.


8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
might be retarded.


9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.


10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.


11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.


12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other
weather.


13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.


14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is
the wrong size.


15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.


16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.


17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under
frozen foods.


18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.


19. ,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.


20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.

 

[moreluck]

Headlines from the year is 2029 -----
>>
>> Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
>> largest
>> country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White
>> minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
>> language.
>>
>> Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
> livestock.
>>
>> Baby conceived naturally . scientists stumped.
>>
>> Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
>>
>> Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
>> the
>> Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
>>
>> Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
>> years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
>>
>> France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
>>
>> Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
>> but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
>>
>> George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
>>
>> Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
> mail
>> delivery to Wednesdays only.
>>
>> 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
>> loss.
>>
>> Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
>>
>> Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
>> they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (hey! I just sent
> it.
>> I didn't write it!)
>>
>> Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
>>
>> Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
>>
>> Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
>>
>> New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
> swatters
>> and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
>>
>> Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
>> contributions to campaign accounts.
>>
>> Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
>>
>> IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
>>
>> Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
>>
>

 

[moreluck]

So there!

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

(I love old people! They do have a lot to offer!!!)

 

[traveler]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

 

[traveler]

<font color="ff0000"><font size="+1">Dear Friends,
Let me know your sizes. Christmas is tight this year. I've learned to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxis to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc.

These slippers are soft and Hygienic; Non-slip grip strips on the soles; Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh; No more bending over to mop up spills; Disposable and biodegradable; Environmentally safe; Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day, and Get out the Sand Bags.

Happiest of holidays........

Martha Stewart
Inmate 55170-054</font></font>

 

[moreluck]

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2004:


Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

 

[moreluck]

Drinking Codes

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
"Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me
a Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

 

[traveler]

Modern day stork story.

Cyrus asks:

Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS:

Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you
see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and
said:


You've Got Male!

 

[moreluck]

Confusing Name. . . .

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

 

[moreluck]

"Letter to Mom"

>> A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see
>> the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an
>> envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.
>>
>> It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened
>> the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
>>
>> Dear Mom,
>>
>> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
>> to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad
>> and
>> you.
>>
>> I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice -
>> even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.
>>
>> But it's not only passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that
>> we will be very happy.
>>
>> He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
>> firewood for the whole winter.
>>
>> He wants t o have many more children with me and that's now one
>> of my dreams too.
>>
>> John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and
>> we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the
>> cocaine and ecstasy we want.
>>
>> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
>> AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
>>
>> Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know ho w to take
>> care of myself.
>>
>> Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
>> your grandchildren.
>>
>> Your daughter,
>> Judith
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's
>> house. just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
>> than my report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you!
>>
>> Call me when it is safe for me to come home.
>>

 

[traveler]

Subject: Burial....





A man goes to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation his nagging wife dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the wife could be buried in Israel for US $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."