Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

>> Subject: Company Christmas Party
> >
> >
> > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > TO: All Employees
> >
> > DATE: October 01, 2004
> >
> > RE: Christmas Party
> >
> > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> > place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
> > at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
> > We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
> > along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
> > Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among
> > employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
> > $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
> > gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
> > announcement at that time!
> >
> > Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> >
> > Patty
> >
> > ==================================================================
> >
> > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > TO: All Employees
> >
> > DATE: October 02, 2004
> >
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> > employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
> > often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> > However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
> > policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
> > still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
> > present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music
> > for your enjoyment.
> >
> > Happy now?
> >
> > Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> >
> > Patty
> >
> > ===================================================================
> >
> > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > TO: All Employees
> >
> > DATE: October 03, 2004
> >
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> > requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
> > happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
> > reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
> > to handle this?
> >
> > Somebody?
> >
> > Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
> > the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
> > believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
> >
> > NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
> >
> >
> > ======================================================================
> > =
> > =================
> >
> > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > To: All Employees
> >
> > DATE: October 04, 2004
> >
> > RE: Holiday Party
> >
> > What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
> > the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
> > during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> > appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
> > our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
> > serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package
> > everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
> > that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
> > sit farthest from
> >
> > The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
> > the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
> > not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
> > there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the
> > person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed
> > though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will
> > be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
> > the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
> > first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> > restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
> >
> > Did I miss anything?!?!?
> >
> > Patty
> >
> > ================================================================
> >
> > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > TO: All %$#@ Employees
> >
> > DATE: October 05, 2004
> >
> > RE: The $%*& Holiday Party
> >
> > Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> > this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
> > sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
> > quaintly put it, and you'll get your $%^#*&! salad bar, including
> > organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
> > scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
> > scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
> > and die,
> >
> > The Witch from HELL!!!!!!!!
> >
> > ==================================================================
> >
> > FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> >
> > DATE: October 06, 2004
> >
> > RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> >
> > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> > recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
> > meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> > everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
> >
> > Happy Holidays!
> >
> > Penny

 

[traveler]

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Driving

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.

The women just won't leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"

 

[traveler]

"Magic Mirror" _________________________________________________________________



There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down

the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there

is a magic mirror, if you look into the mirror and tell the truth you will

be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into

the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in

first she said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the

brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I

think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new

car.

The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:

I think... She was vanished into the mirror forever.

 

[moreluck]

No Gift This Year


One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be A Scrooge If........


Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin,
vodka and bourbon.

Your best Christmas tradition involves fire and reindeer meat.

Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a
cheese log.

Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael
Jackson.

You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers
away.

You get your Christmas tree from an empty lot, at night....the day
after Christmas.

 

[moreluck]

All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman


It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

Wearing white is always appropriate.

Winter is the best of the four seasons.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

We're all made up of mostly water.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

Always put your best foot forward.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

 

[moreluck]

Flight Test For Santa


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas
when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all
the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his
paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the
reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He
painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations
for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and
checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to
Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this,
but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be A Scrooge If........


Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin,
vodka and bourbon.

Your best Christmas tradition involves fire and reindeer meat.

Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a
cheese log.

Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael
Jackson.

You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers
away.

You get your Christmas tree from an empty lot, at night....the day
after Christmas.

 

[traveler]

moreluck,

Could it be...

Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve was gin, vodka and bourbon?

This is the second time you posted this one in two days!

Oh well,

and keep those "good ones" coming. It sure brightens up my day. Save me some of that gin.

 

[moreluck]

OOPS!

 

[moreluck]

THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"

(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

 

[moreluck]

Those Questions

Bob is sitting at the coffee shop, staring morosely into his capuccino.

Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts, he asks Bob what the problem is.

"Well," said Bob, "I ran afoul of one of THOSE questions my wife asks. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will!"

"Yeah," said Bob, "that's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO.'"

 

[moreluck]

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Mardi Gras

We sent our parents during the Mardi Gras festivals to New Orleans for their 55th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of Bourbon Street. Dad, who was 82, couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 A. M., the first night there.

As he was cruising down Bourbon Street, he saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above him. "Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to him.

He answered, "Making love at my age is always a real effort. But I could sure use the money."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Tradition Casserole

Tired of super-hectic Christmas mornings, I was pleased to find a recipe called "Christmas Morning Wifesaver Breakfast." I prepared the breakfast the night before so that it could be put in the oven while we opened our gifts with our five small children. It was delicious.

The next year I followed the "tradition" and prepared the same breakfast. After everyone was seated and I put the casserole on the table, my six-year-old exclaimed disgustedly, "This again!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Golfing Priests

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

 

[moreluck]

You know you are from Northern Vermont when...

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.

You find -20F a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.

You can play road hockey on skates.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You actually 'relate' to these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.

 

[moreluck]

At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

 

[moreluck]

How to tell if you're a Redneck Pilot.........

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".

You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.

.Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the landing gear.

You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.

There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.

You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.

You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.

You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals.

Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"