Heard any good ones?

[traveler]

<font color="aa00aa">HEALTH QUESTION &amp; ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?

Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO .. Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"</font>

 

[moreluck]

Modern day stork story.

Cyrus asks:

"Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS:

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you
see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and
said:


You've Got Male! "

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're from Alabama When...

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.

You think that deer season is a national holiday.

The definition of "rich" is to own a double-wide.

All the festivals you've been too are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad (with marshmallows).

You carry jumper cables in your car--and use them often.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.

You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

You think Birmingham is a big city.

You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

You know which tree leaves make good toilet paper.

You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "jest a tad warm."

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.

You can tell if a fellow Alabamian is from southern, middle or northern Alabama as soon as they open their mouth.

There is a Dairy Queen and an ABC store in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

You ever said, "Don't tump that glass of tea over!"

The only celebrities you've ever met were football players.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

You've seen all the biggest bands--ten years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

Most of the people you know have hit a deer.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You think there are three sports seasons: college football, spring training and recruiting.

You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You see an empty car running in the store parking lot no matter what time of the year.

Instead of "Hello" you say "Hey!"

Before you do anything, you were "fixin'" to do it.

 

[moreluck]

Holidays

An atheist complained to a friend.

"Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays.

"EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's discrimination!"

His friend replied, "Well... Why don't you celebrate April First?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Xmas Jokes

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 

[moreluck]

Something to think about!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and

we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple

advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all

the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all

the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the

house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of

White Burgundy, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Lusukova Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Vicadan and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Please pass this on to

those you feel are in need of inner peace.

 

[traveler]

Puns for Intellectuals....

1. ~Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. ~The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. ~NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. ~They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. ~Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. ~One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. ~The other stayed in South Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. ~2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. ~A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. ~Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? ~He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. ~A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. ~The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. ~He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. ~A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. ~One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". ~Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. ~Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. ~He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! ~If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

9. ~A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. ~Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. ~Arrival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. ~The Friars refused. ~The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. ~Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He
went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. ~Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. ~This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. ~Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. ~He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. ~This made him.....what? ~(This is so bad it's good...)--a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. ~And finally,...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. ~Unfortunately no pun in ten did!!!

 

[moreluck]

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!

What's another name for Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had low "elf" esteem!

How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!

Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!

 

[traveler]

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner,but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer!

Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

 

[moreluck]

Police Department Answering Machine

Hello, you have reached the Police Department's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical or alcohol dependency, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.

To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping you in line, press 9.

Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember .. we're here to protect you, not hand out warm hugs!

Thanks for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day.

 

[moreluck]

Pun-ishment.........

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the feeling you have tasted this mustard before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

 

[moreluck]

Texas Sex

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one,"
said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours
and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup
each one of her boobs in your hands
and whisper in her ear,
"BOY THESE FEEL JUST LIKE YOUR SISTERS!"
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Silly Signs

Spotted in the toilet of a London office: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

In a Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines. Remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

In a London department store: "Bargain Basement upstairs."

In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday bring it back, or further steps will be taken."

In an office: "After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange everything -- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"

Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."

Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants stay in your car."

Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care center on the 1st floor."

Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."

On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. Please knock on the door -- the bell doesn't work."

 

[moreluck]

The 12 Rules of Life

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

And finally... Be really good to everyone. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

 

[moreluck]

Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You

(George Burns)

When you like to be in crowds because they keep you from falling down.

When your only party of the last year was to celebrate the twelfth rerun of your seven-year itch.

When the parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.

When your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today".

When a big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.

When your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

When your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.

When you resent the annual swimsuit issue of "Sports Illustrated" because there are fewer articles to read.

When your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.

When somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

 

[moreluck]

A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of
the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl,
and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take charge.

If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $3,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$6,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $3,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

 

[moreluck]

The Mysteries of the English Language

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another?

How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this joke, I end it!

 

[moreluck]

QUIET SEX
>
> Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
> during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
> have an orgasm?"
>
> She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
>

 

[moreluck]

Heartwarming Story ?

There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came
to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy,
better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on
a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in
it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday
is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without
that
money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you
are
my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all
the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars..
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put
into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers
felt
the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you
did for
me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
thieving bastards at the Post Office."

 

[moreluck]

Happy Holidays!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me.

Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.