Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM SHOPPING!

Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.

If it's on sale, you need it.

Never ask your mother her opinion.

You can always take it back.

You'll grow into it.

By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.

Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".

If they're working on commission, they're lying.

Know when to yell, "Charge!"

So many malls, so little time.

If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.

Always try to spend someone else's money first.

There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.

Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.

If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.

You can always get more credit.

If you want it, you deserve it.

 

[tuknick]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him handful of
peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps
him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handfull of peanuts. She
repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady "why they do not eat the
peanuts themselves?"
She replies "that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them."
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just like the chocolate coating."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Art Student

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Minister

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[traveler]

<font size="+1"> A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on his face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"</font>

 

[moreluck]

Maxine's Take on Life

Remember Maxine, the grumpy old cartoon woman from Hallmark cards? She was always in her bathrobe and slipper sipping a cup of coffee. Here's her take on the world.

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."

3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

 

[moreluck]

An Indian chief walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and A bucket
of buffalo manure in the other.
> He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
> The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
> He gets the chief a tall mug of coffee, and the chief drinks it down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure,
> throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
> The next morning the Indian chief returns.
> He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the
other.
> He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
> The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was that all about?
> The CHIEF smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management
position:
>
>
> Come in, drink coffee, shoot <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font>, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

 

[moreluck]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The
pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry

 

[moreluck]

"Good" News

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

They say the house didn't float very far at all.

The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you.

Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.

The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

The insurance pays the full book value for your 1956 T Bird.

The thieves left the push lawn mower.

Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.

 

[moreluck]

Gladys Dunn

Just moved to town, Gladys Dunn decided that the first Sunday, she'd visit the church nearest to her new apartment. She found herself in a pretty sanctuary, and as the service began, she enjoyed the music offered by the choir.

But when the sermon began, it went on and on and on. In
> fact it was without substance and not at all interesting. Glancing around, she noticed that many in the congregation were nodding off, not even trying to stay awake.

Finally it was over, though, and people stood up for the
final hymn.

After the service, to be social, she turned to the still sleepy
looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand in greeting, and said,
"Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

The gentleman replied, "You and me both!"

 

[moreluck]

RETIRE AT THE HOLIDAY INN
>>
"No nursing home for me! I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
>>
>>With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00,
>>there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on
>>reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay
>>discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.
>>
>>That leaves $138.77 a day for:
>>
>>1. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room
>>service.
>>
>>2. Laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
>>
>>Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5.00 worth of tips a
>>day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
>>
>>There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus
>>will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
>>
>>To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
>>
>>For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at
>>one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
>>Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
>>
>>It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your
>>reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you
>>can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
>>
>>The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks
>>if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you
>>fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will
>>upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
>>
>>And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find
>>you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can
>>use the pool. What more can you ask for?
>>
>>So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all
>>my emails to the Holiday Inn!"
>>
>>Upon telling this story at a dinner with friends and too much red wine, we
>>came up with even more benefits the Holiday Inn provides to retirees:
>>
>>
>>Most standard rooms have coffeemakers, reclining chairs, and satellite
>>TV-all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good
>>nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a
>>stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
>>Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends.
>>
>>Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free Program. You can
>>invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just
>>tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where
>>they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.
>>
>>If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings,
>>in a Holiday Inn you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the
>>rooms all look the same.
>>
>>And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never
>>have to worry about not finding your room--your electronic key fits
>>only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
>>
>>Being perma-skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check this story out--and
>>are happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate (we could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!).
>>
>>See you at the Inn!

 

[moreluck]

1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
4. Lutherans do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 

[moreluck]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you
I've changed my mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky &amp; West Virginia)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Yep, we're good!

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?!"


He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.


"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."



(ARE WOMEN GOOD OR WHAT!)

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you call 7 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes

 

[moreluck]

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow



Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

When chewing your cud, remember. . .
There is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol
and no taste!

The grass is greener
on the other side of the fence.

Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!

It's better to be seen and not herd.

Honor thy fodder and thy mother
and all your udder relatives.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's bossy!

Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.

Black and white is always
an appropriate fashion statement.

Don't forget to c o w-nt your blessings every day.

GEMS MAY BE PRECIOUS,
BUT FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS

 

[moreluck]

Before Children...




When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness.

But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:



Before children:
I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.

After Children:
I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

Before children:
I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.

After children:
I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of New Jersey on his bottom.

Before children:
I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.

After children:
I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

Before children:
I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.

After children:
I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

Before children:
I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.

After children:
I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

Before children:
I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.

After children:
I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

Before children:
I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.

After children:
I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

Before children:
I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.

After children:
I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.

Before children:
I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.

After children:
I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

Before children:
I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.

After children:
I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

Before children:
I was thankful for my wonderful family

After children:
I am thankful for my wonderful family.

 

[moreluck]

The History of Yodeling Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

[moreluck]

The Joys of Womanhood

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Celebrate Womanhood!

 

[moreluck]

Colonoscopy
>
> A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
> patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
>
> 1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
>
> 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
>
> 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
>
> 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
>
> 5. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
>
> 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
>
> 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
>
> 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>
> 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
>
> 10, "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
>
> 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"
>
> 12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
>
> And the best one of them all...
>
> 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact
> not
> up there."