M
moreluck
Guest
ALTOGETHER NOW!
'Old MacDonald was dyslexic'
'O E I O E'
'Old MacDonald was dyslexic'
'O E I O E'
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M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: Columbus
Columbus was the world's most impressive salesman. He started out not knowing where he was going. When he got there, he didn't know where it was, so when he got back, he couldn't say where he had been. And he did it all on a big cash advance, and got a repeat order.
Columbus was the world's most impressive salesman. He started out not knowing where he was going. When he got there, he didn't know where it was, so when he got back, he couldn't say where he had been. And he did it all on a big cash advance, and got a repeat order.
M
moreluck
Guest
25 Ways to Annoy a Northerner:
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10.Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, is there a downstate NewYork?"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations... Offends the heck out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left."
"Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10.Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, is there a downstate NewYork?"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations... Offends the heck out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left."
"Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
T
traveler
Guest
THE WASH CLOTH
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed up stairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied," No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed up stairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied," No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: patient
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought
M
moreluck
Guest
Stop the drunk driver........
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
M
moreluck
Guest
REDNECK DRIVING ETIQUETTE.....
-Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
-When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
-Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
-When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
-Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
-Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
-Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
-Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
-When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
-Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
-When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
-Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
-Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
-Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
T
traveler
Guest
One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the Chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norse fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the Chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norse fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck
M
moreluck
Guest
You Might be a City Girl If..
You believed that the car was REALLY out of gas.
You've never tried a chaw of Red Man.
You've never tipped a cow because they don't work in restaurants.
You won't bait your own hook because worms are "icky".
You do all of your gardening in barrels on the patio.
You get to park your car in the garage because your husband doesn't own ANY old tractors.
You've never gotten a jar of Bag Balm as a gift.
You don't like country ham.
You've never even heard of red-eye gravy.
You know how to make quiche, and your husband actually likes it.
You think pork butts are part of a pigs ass.
You've never been to a tractor pull.
Your boyfriend took you to a tractor pull and you DIDN'T like it.
You think that wind mill in the cow pasture is there to keep the cows cool.
Your boyfriend's truck was made in Japan.
Your kids play soccer instead of baseball.
You like deer because they have pretty brown eyes.
You saw the vet preg-checking a cow and called 911.
You like cats better than coon dogs.
All of your cats live in the house.
All of your cats have names.
You think "long johns" come from the donut shop.
Your husband's lawn mower requires an extension cord.
You've never been on a hay ride.
When you hear the word "steamer" you think of the Titanic.
You've never eaten poke greens.
You think that mountain oysters are seafood from Colorado.
You have never been snipe hunting.
You think milk comes from plastic jugs.
You've never gone skinny-dipping in a creek.
The first time you ate barbecued ribs you asked how they got the food on those little sticks.
You can't find the flush lever in the outhouse!
You think the only difference between red and white corn cobs is the color.
The tires on your boyfriend's car are all the same size.
You don't know the difference between a cow and a bull.
You think the only difference between a cow and a bull is the horns.
You think that when a bull mounts a cow, he's only doing it to get a better view!
You think that cow poop smells bad.
You've never planted flowers in an old tractor tire.
You don't know that caviar is really just fish eggs.
You think John Deere was one of the Mouseketeers.
You cried when you found out where hamburgers come from.
You believed that the car was REALLY out of gas.
You've never tried a chaw of Red Man.
You've never tipped a cow because they don't work in restaurants.
You won't bait your own hook because worms are "icky".
You do all of your gardening in barrels on the patio.
You get to park your car in the garage because your husband doesn't own ANY old tractors.
You've never gotten a jar of Bag Balm as a gift.
You don't like country ham.
You've never even heard of red-eye gravy.
You know how to make quiche, and your husband actually likes it.
You think pork butts are part of a pigs ass.
You've never been to a tractor pull.
Your boyfriend took you to a tractor pull and you DIDN'T like it.
You think that wind mill in the cow pasture is there to keep the cows cool.
Your boyfriend's truck was made in Japan.
Your kids play soccer instead of baseball.
You like deer because they have pretty brown eyes.
You saw the vet preg-checking a cow and called 911.
You like cats better than coon dogs.
All of your cats live in the house.
All of your cats have names.
You think "long johns" come from the donut shop.
Your husband's lawn mower requires an extension cord.
You've never been on a hay ride.
When you hear the word "steamer" you think of the Titanic.
You've never eaten poke greens.
You think that mountain oysters are seafood from Colorado.
You have never been snipe hunting.
You think milk comes from plastic jugs.
You've never gone skinny-dipping in a creek.
The first time you ate barbecued ribs you asked how they got the food on those little sticks.
You can't find the flush lever in the outhouse!
You think the only difference between red and white corn cobs is the color.
The tires on your boyfriend's car are all the same size.
You don't know the difference between a cow and a bull.
You think the only difference between a cow and a bull is the horns.
You think that when a bull mounts a cow, he's only doing it to get a better view!
You think that cow poop smells bad.
You've never planted flowers in an old tractor tire.
You don't know that caviar is really just fish eggs.
You think John Deere was one of the Mouseketeers.
You cried when you found out where hamburgers come from.
M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: Simple Question......
Q: What does it mean when all the socks in the laundry match, with none left over?
A: You're now losing them in pairs!
Q: What does it mean when all the socks in the laundry match, with none left over?
A: You're now losing them in pairs!
M
moreluck
Guest
12 Step Internet Recovery Program for Internet Addicts.........
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
M
moreluck
Guest
The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs.....
10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?"
8. "Cumin here often?"
7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?"
6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes.....time to come to a full boil!"
3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee.....and less drippy."
2. "Get the buttah."
And the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs...
1. "Uh, yeah.....I invented Spaghetti-O's"
10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?"
8. "Cumin here often?"
7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?"
6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes.....time to come to a full boil!"
3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee.....and less drippy."
2. "Get the buttah."
And the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs...
1. "Uh, yeah.....I invented Spaghetti-O's"
M
moreluck
Guest
21st CENTURY LIFELESSNESS!!!
Our communication - Wireless
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our Follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our poor - Voiceless
Our life - Meaningless
Our communication - Wireless
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our Follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our poor - Voiceless
Our life - Meaningless
M
moreluck
Guest
A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk and trying to crash into his ex-wife's trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him.
This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a Country Music Award.
This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a Country Music Award.
M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: sparring
Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4 year old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.
One day, my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was fiendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes."
The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"
Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckilly, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.
Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4 year old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.
One day, my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was fiendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes."
The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"
Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckilly, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.
M
moreluck
Guest
Translation of Atlanta for Visitors
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get
out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach
Greenville, South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.
4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask
for any other soft drink.
5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you
started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour
is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.
10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a
remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".
12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not
attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to
the right and stare at you.
13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease;
so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the
street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
14. If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected
to get on and go somewhere.
15. Atlanta is pronounced "Lan-uh".
16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent
form of entertainment.
17. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close
down all lanes except one during rush hour. (Ed. note: This appears to be
a common theme in almost any major American city).
18. Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours
mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated
number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road
and engaged in lively discussions.
19. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It
winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely
see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the
oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the
salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.
Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get
out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach
Greenville, South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.
4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask
for any other soft drink.
5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you
started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour
is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.
10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a
remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".
12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not
attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to
the right and stare at you.
13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease;
so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the
street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
14. If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected
to get on and go somewhere.
15. Atlanta is pronounced "Lan-uh".
16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent
form of entertainment.
17. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close
down all lanes except one during rush hour. (Ed. note: This appears to be
a common theme in almost any major American city).
18. Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours
mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated
number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road
and engaged in lively discussions.
19. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It
winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely
see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the
oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the
salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.
Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?
R
robonono
Guest
If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties ?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and he will probably win.
officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties ?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and he will probably win.
M
moreluck
Guest
Redneck Test.....
This test really can't be cheated on... either you know the answers or you don't. Yankees may score a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+. If you score over 50, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks.
Score 3 points per correct answer. You're given 1 point to start.
Answers follow below, so don't peek.....
1.How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2.What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3.Bill Dance is good at what?
4.What university does Bill Dance root for?
5.Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6.After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7.In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8.A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
9.What is a chigger?
10.What is scrapple?
11.Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12.What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13.What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,_______________.
14.What's the common name for a bowfin?
14.If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
15.Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
16.What are grits made out of?
17.Who was nicknamed "The Bear"
18.Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
19.What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
20.Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
21.What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
22.Where would you find Vidalia County?
23.What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
24.What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
25.How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
26.When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
27.What is a scuppernong?
28.Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
29.Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
30.What color is a John Deere?
31.What do you call the offspring of a mule?
32.What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
Answers:
7
43, red and blue
Fishin'
University of Tennessee
University of Georgia
Hard peanuts
283
French
A red bug (small parasite)
A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
Panama City, FL
Spanish moss
Evinrude
Mudfish
Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
Hank Williams
Corn
Paul Bryant
Because of the pollen
"The Recipe"
Helen
WSM
Georgia
Calf roping
Mandolin
5
The same thing
A wild grape
Yes
Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
Green
Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile.
Tobacco
This test really can't be cheated on... either you know the answers or you don't. Yankees may score a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+. If you score over 50, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks.
Score 3 points per correct answer. You're given 1 point to start.
Answers follow below, so don't peek.....
1.How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2.What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3.Bill Dance is good at what?
4.What university does Bill Dance root for?
5.Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6.After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7.In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8.A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
9.What is a chigger?
10.What is scrapple?
11.Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12.What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13.What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,_______________.
14.What's the common name for a bowfin?
14.If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
15.Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
16.What are grits made out of?
17.Who was nicknamed "The Bear"
18.Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
19.What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
20.Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
21.What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
22.Where would you find Vidalia County?
23.What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
24.What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
25.How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
26.When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
27.What is a scuppernong?
28.Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
29.Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
30.What color is a John Deere?
31.What do you call the offspring of a mule?
32.What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
Answers:
7
43, red and blue
Fishin'
University of Tennessee
University of Georgia
Hard peanuts
283
French
A red bug (small parasite)
A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
Panama City, FL
Spanish moss
Evinrude
Mudfish
Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
Hank Williams
Corn
Paul Bryant
Because of the pollen
"The Recipe"
Helen
WSM
Georgia
Calf roping
Mandolin
5
The same thing
A wild grape
Yes
Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
Green
Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile.
Tobacco
M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: Cabin Cruiser Maintenance
At the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement. The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said I could handle it myself.
I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass.
Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass. When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass."
"I did give you a break," he replied.
"How so?" I asked.
"I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.
At the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement. The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said I could handle it myself.
I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass.
Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass. When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass."
"I did give you a break," he replied.
"How so?" I asked.
"I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.
M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: twins
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."
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