Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

I'VE LEARNED.......

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.


I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.


I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.


I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.


I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.


I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?


I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.


I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.


I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.


I've learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.


I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.


I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.


I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.


I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.


I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.


I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.


I've learned...
That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I love them one more time before they passed away.


I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.


I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.


I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.


I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.


I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.


I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.


I've learned...
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done

 

[moreluck]

Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME...

1) A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2) Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

3) If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

 

[moreluck]

Groaner Alert

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes; a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fw: New Car Radio


I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.

If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.
If I say "Rap" it plays rap.
If I say "Love" it plays love songs.

Three kids ran out in front of the car
and I said "friend'ing kids!"
And it played Michael Jackson.
>

 

[moreluck]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[moreluck]

Call in sick


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

[moreluck]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES:
>
> Six married men will be dropped on an island with one
> car and 4 kids each
> for six weeks.
>
> Each kid will play two sports and either take music or
> dance classes.
>
> There is no fast food.
>
> Each man must take care of his 4 kids; keep his
> assigned house clean,
> correct all homework, complete science projects, cook,
> do laundry, and pay a
> list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.
>
> In addition...each man will have to budget in money
> for groceries each week.
>
> Each man must also take each child to a doctor's
> appointment, a dentist
> appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must
> also make cookies or
> cupcakes for a social function.
>
> Each man will be responsible for decorating his own
> assigned house, planting
> flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times.
>
> The men will only have access to television when the
> kids are asleep and all
> chores are done.
>
> There is only one TV between them.
>
> Each father will be required to know all of the words
> to every stupid song
> that comes on TV and the name of each and every
> repulsive character on
> cartoons.
>
> The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily,
> which they will apply
> themselves either while driving or making four
> lunches.
>
> They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear
> uncomfortable yet stylish
> shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.
>
> During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure
> severe stomach cramps,
> back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings
> but never once
> complain or slow down from other duties.
>
> They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find
> time at least once to
> spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
>
> He will need to pray with the children each night,
> bathe them, dress them,
> brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by
> 7:00.
>
> A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and
> each father will be
> required to know all of the following information:
> *each child's birthday,
> height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's
> name. Also the child's
> weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of
> labor.
>
> *each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite
> snack, favorite song,
> favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what
> they want to be when
> they grow up.
>
> They must clean up after their sick children at 3:00
> a.m. and then spend the
> remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting
> on them hand and foot
> until they are better.
>
> Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with
> six toothpicks, a
> tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a
> serving of peas.
>
> The kids vote them off the island based on
> performance.
>
> The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy
> to be intimate with
> his spouse at a moments notice..
>
> If the last man does win, he can play the game over
> and over and over again
> for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the
> right to be called Mother!
>
>
> DID YOU NOTICE IT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THEM HAVING FULL-TIME JOBS?

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Guilty

I was feeling a little guilty about the extra hours I was putting in at work. I had, however, convinced myself that no one in the family really noticed, until one morning when my two-year-old watched me put on my coat to leave. "Bye, Mom," she waved cheerily. "Thanks for coming

 

[moreluck]

Oil Change instructions for Women:



1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the

last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly

maintained vehicle.



Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00



Oil Change instructions for Men:



1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of

oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a

scented tree, write a check for $50.00

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive

home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in

process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.

Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil

filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil

everywhere from holes.

Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid

environmental penalties.Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage

door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag

pan full of old oil out from underneath

car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back

to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to

gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,

along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily

dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids

sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental

penalties. Wash drain plug in

lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw

kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with

oily rag used to clean drain plug.

Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang

knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood

flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled

during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total = $4165.00



-- But you know the job was done right!

 

[moreluck]

Wedding Ring

Soon after marriage, John stopped wearing his wedding ring. Vickie asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

Vickie answered back, "It's supposed to!"

 

[moreluck]

SENIOR CITIZENS...ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

-HEARING AIDS

-BAND AIDS

-ROL-AIDS

-WALKING AIDS

-MEDICAL AIDS

-GOVERNMENT AIDS

And MOST of ALL...

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS

 

[moreluck]

One morning, a three-year-old boy asked his mother, "Mommy, how can I make this new toy helicopter fly?" "You will have to use your imagination," she replied. "Do you know what the word 'imagination' means?" "Yes Mommy," he answered immediately. "It means no batteries

 

[moreluck]

Subject: ski resort

As a ticket seller at a ski resort, I hand out notices during mild or wet weather warning of melting snow falling from the lift cables. One lady asked about it, and I explained, "It's a warning about the little drips that come off the lift..." "You're right," she interrupted, glancing at the 20 or so school buses in the parking lot, "those kids can be such a pain in the a**!"

 

[moreluck]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings. One of the men picks
up the phone, engages its hands-free speaker function,
and says, "Hello."

The other men stop to listen.


WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I am at the mall now,
and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership, and saw the new 2004 models I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "$60,000"


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ...
The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"


MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room,
are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks:

"Anyone here know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[moreluck]

Top Blonde Jokes of the year 2004
>
>The poor blonde:
>
>1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
>
>2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
>slope.
>
>3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
>typewriter.
>
>4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the
>box said "2 to 4 years".
>
>5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
>
>6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
>
>7. When asked what the capitol of California was; answered "C".
>
>8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.
>
>9. Baked a turkey for several days because the instructions said, 1 hour
>per pound and she weighed 125.
>
>10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
>little packets.
>
>11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
>
>12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
>
>13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label
>said"good up to 20 pounds".
>
>14. What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing
>red light.
>
>15. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger
>when one says,
>"Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: good attitude


The other day a young person asked me how I felt about
> > being old. I was
> > taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon
> > seeing my
> > reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I
> > explained that it was
> > an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and
> > let her know.
> >
> > Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for
> > the first time in
> > my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh,
> > not my body! I
> > sometime despair over my body - the wrinkles, the
> > baggy eyes, skin spots
> > and bumps, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken
> > aback by that old
> > person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize
> > over those things for long.
> >
> > I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful
> > life, my loving
> > family, for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've
> > aged, I've become
> > more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've
> > become my own
> > friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra
> > cookie, or for not
> > making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko
> > that I didn't need,
> > but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to
> > overeat, to be messy,
> > to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends
> > leave this world too
> > soon; before they understood the great freedom that
> > comes with aging.
> >
> > Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4 a.m.
> > and sleep until
> > noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful
> > tunes of the '50s, and
> > if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love, I
> > will. I will walk
> > the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a
> > bulging body, and will
> > dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,
> > despite the pitying
> > glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old.
> >
> > I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some
> > of life is just
> > as well forgotten -- and I eventually remember the
> > important things.
> > Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can
> > your heart not
> > break when you lose a loved one, or when a child
> > suffers, or when a
> > beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are
> > what give us
> > strength and understanding and compassion. A heart
> > never broken is
> > pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of
> > being imperfect.
> >
> > I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my
> > hair turn gray, and
> > to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep
> > groove on my
> > face. So many have never laughed, and so many have
> > died before their
> > hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean it. I
> > can say "yes,"
> > and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be
> > positive. You care
> > less about what other people think. I don't question
> > myself anymore.
> > I've even earned the right to be wrong.
> >
> > So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has
> > set me free. I
> > like the person I have become. I am not going to live
> > forever, but while
> > I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what
> > could have been,
> > or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat
> > dessert every single day.
> >
> >

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Army Drill

It was an extremely hot day and the sergeant in charge of bayonet drill at an Army base was trying hard to get his listless men to attack the stuffed dummies with more energy. Finally he halted the drill and said: "Listen, men, those dummies are your enemy. They have burned your houses and killed your parents. They carried away your sisters, stole all your money and drank all of the whiskey in the house."

The sergeant then stepped back and motioned the recruits forward toward the row of dummies. The line surged ahead with new purpose. The men with grim looks on their faces showed eagerness to attack.

One recruit, his eyes stern and his lips, drawn back over his teeth in a snarl, paused to ask: "Sergeant, which one drank the whiskey?"

 

[moreluck]

Life Lesson....

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a
conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several
times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her
name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello".

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

 

[moreluck]

THE ULTIMATE BLESSED LIST

Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed.

Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of the iceberg.

Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income.

Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to concentrate.

Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shalt be bi-sectual.

Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt be a good roll model.

Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the call wherever they are.

Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace.

Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong funnybones.

Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief.

Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site.

Blessed are bald men, for they shalt not have toupee for hair cuts.

Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shalt put a whole new face on things.

Blessed are the electricians, for they shall remove your shorts.

Blessed are the hard of hearing for they shall miss all the small talk.

Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won't have to eat them later.

Blessed are the brief, for they shalt have lower phone bills.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: In The Park

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."