Heard any good ones?

[traveler]

Texas Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Elmer, who was visiting
from way up north in Barry's Bay, Ontario.

Elmer: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Elmer) -- Holy <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font>, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font>-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look
HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Lion's Den

A Christian was thrown into the Coliseum with a lion. Terrified, he fell on his knees and started praying. At the same time, the lion drops down on its knees and starts to pray, too.

The Christian, overjoyed, exclaims, "Oh, thank God! Another Christian!"

The lion replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm saying grace."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: small town

Having moved from the city to experience a small-town atmosphere and the closeness neighbors develop, my husband and I were disappointed when our home was vandalized a couple of times. Then early one morning, I left the house to go for a walk and saw that my flowerpots were missing from the front steps. I was furious.

Upon my return, I was delighted but puzzled to see my pots back in place. I later learned that the previous night, knowing we were to get frost, our neighbor had taken my pots into his heated garage along with his own.

My faith in small-town kindness was restored.

 

[moreluck]

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

"What? What on earth for?" asked the incredulous driver.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Sign

Seen on a flyer posted in the supermarket in Bloomington, Indiana:

"LOST DOG. Datsun-Poodle mix."

I didn't have the heart to call and tell them they're called Nissans now.

 

[moreluck]

I Don't Want To Be A Doctor Because...

If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job.

If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.

Anesthesiology would put me to sleep.

Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.

I can't stand podiatry.

I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.

I'm too old to be a gerontologist.

I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.

But a friend told me that oncology would grow on me.

I'm told pediatrics is child's play!

I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.

And they'd see right through me if I went into radiology.

And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.

I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.

I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.

If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist.

It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.

I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Good Idea

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order to deliver at your home address, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with the delivery boy.

 

[traveler]

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $1000 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $1000 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $1000 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide down to her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey
sighed, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bulldung might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

 

[moreluck]

Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General. . . . . . . . .


You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.

You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.

Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.

Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.

Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.

Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".

You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.

Your cure for heart disease ............. Zima.

 

[moreluck]

POST # 4000 !!!!!

Subject: Excuse

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

 

[moreluck]

The Cost of Kids
I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.

What do your get for your $160,140?

Naming rights,--- First, middle, and last!

Glimpses of God everyday.

Giggles under the covers every night.

More love than your heart can hold.

Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.

A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to fingerprint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney Land, and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.

You have all the power to heal a booboo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRAND KIDS

 

[moreluck]

What are grandparents . . . .(according to
a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

 

[moreluck]

WHERE REDHEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked
father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't
mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red
hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor
said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.

"It isn't possible," the
man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black
hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor,
"let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit
ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months. "Well, there you have it!" The
doctor said confidently. "It's rust"

 

[moreluck]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, >>>
>>>NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT >>>

>>>Dear Ma and Pa,

>>>I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the

>>>Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them

>>>to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was

>>>restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6

>>>a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer

>>>all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some

>>>things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to

>>>split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it

>>>is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on

>>>trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of

>>>weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other

>>>regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the

>>>two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you

>>>til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys

>>>can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon

>>>sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's

>>>not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as

>>>far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet

>>>and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat

>>>The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain

>>>is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around

>>>and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt

>>>and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I

>>>don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head

>>>and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys

>>>at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit

>>>it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

>>>

>>>Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get

>>>to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,

>>>they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at

>>>home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug

>>>Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined

>>>up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's

>>>6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

>>>

>>>Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other

>>>fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

>>>

>>>Your loving daughter,

>>> >>>Gail

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Soloist

One of the soloists who was to sing at our wedding was unable to because she developed laryngitis the day before. Still, we wanted to acknowledge all her time and effort preparing, and asked the emcee to thank her at the reception-which he did: "Lawrence and Renee would also like to give special thanks to Mrs. Alexander for not singing."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Insurance

A man called his insurance salesman neighbor to go over some issues and results of his insurance policy.

As they spoke, he asked, "Say I take this life insurance for my wife today and tomorrow she dies? What will I get?"

The clerk paused before clearly and suspiciously articulating, "Life without parole."

 

[robonono]

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

 

[moreluck]

Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Timmy.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!"

 

[moreluck]

Golf Shorties

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work...and both are expensive.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

The interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: show &amp; tell

Show and Tell: A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."