Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

From: Human Resource Department

To: Employees

Subject: "TRY SAYING" These New Phrases

> It has been brought to management's attention that some
> individuals throughout the company have been using foul language.

> Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
> offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

> But because we do realize the crucial importance of being able to
> accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, this

> LIST of "TRY SAYING" is being provided
> so that the proper exchange of ideas, information, and communication can
> continue in an effective manner:

> 1) TRY SAYING:
> I think you could use more training.
> INSTEAD OF:
> You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
>
> 2) TRY SAYING:
> She's an aggressive go-getter.
> INSTEAD OF:
> She's a ball-busting b__ch.
>
> 3) TRY SAYING:
> Perhaps I can work late.
> INSTEAD OF:
> And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
>
> 4) TRY SAYING:
> I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> INSTEAD OF:
> No f______ way.
>
> 5) TRY SAYING:
> Really?
> INSTEAD OF:
> You've got to be sh__ing me!
>
> 6) TRY SAYING:
> Perhaps you should check with...
> INSTEAD OF:
> Tell someone who gives a sh__.
>
> 7) TRY SAYING:
> I wasn't involved in the project.
> INSTEAD OF:
> It's not my f______ problem.
>
> 8) TRY SAYING:
> That's interesting.
> INSTEAD OF:
> What the f___?
>
> 9) TRY SAYING:
> I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> INSTEAD OF:
> This sh__ won't work.
>
> 10) TRY SAYING:
> I'll try to schedule that.
> INSTEAD OF:
> Why the h__ didn't you tell me sooner?
>
> 11) TRY SAYING:
> He's not familiar with the issues.
> INSTEAD OF:
> He's got his head up his a__.
>
>
> 12) TRY SAYING:
> Excuse me, sir?
> INSTEAD OF:
> Eat sh__ and die.
>
> 13) TRY SAYING:
> So you weren't happy with it?
> INSTEAD OF:
> Kiss my a__.
>
> 14) TRY SAYING:
> I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> INSTEAD OF:
> F___ it, I'm on salary.
>
> 15) TRY SAYING:
> I don't think you understand.
> INSTEAD OF:
> Shove it up your a__.
>
> 16) TRY SAYING:
> I love a challenge.
> INSTEAD OF:
> This job s___.
>
> 17) TRY SAYING:
> You want me to take care of that?
> INSTEAD OF:
> Who the h__ died and made you boss?
>
> 18) TRY SAYING:
> He's somewhat insensitive.
> INSTEAD OF:
> He's a prick.
>
> Thank You,
> Human Resources Department

 

[moreluck]

IT WAS GOOD



Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody makes fun of our
childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something's
shudder and say "Eeeew!" But was our childhood really all that bad?
Judge for yourself:

In 1953 The US population was less than 150 million... Yet you knew
more people then, and knew them better...

The average annual salary was under $3,000... Yet our parents could put
some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life...

A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... But it was safe for a
five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one...

Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie...
So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters...

We didn't have air-conditioning... So the windows stayed up and half a
dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike...

Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins...
But not Ms. Becky or Mr. Dan...

The only hazardous material you knew about... Was a patch of grassburrs
around the light pole at the corner...

You loved to climb into a fresh bed... Because sheets were dried on the
clothesline...

People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives.. So
"child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles...

Parents were respected and their rules were law.... Children did not
talk back.....

TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious
color...

Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor... And the Dad next
door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs...

Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... And chickens behind
the garage...

And just when you were about to do something really bad... Chances were
you'd run into your Dad's high school coach... Or the nosy old lady
from up the street... Or your little sister's piano teacher... Or
somebody from Church.... ALL of whom knew your parents' phone
number... And YOUR first name... And even THAT was good!

REMEMBER...

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy
Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics,
Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The
Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as
well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers
filled with bike rides, playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and
kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the
local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling and visits to the
pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and wax lips and
bubblegum cigars

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

And was it really that long ago?

 

[moreluck]

Trivia Quiz....

Which city did the Petries live in? ("The Dick Van Dyke Show")?


On "Maude" what was Maude's husband's name?

On the "Mary Tyler Moore Show," what was the profession of Mary's dad?


In "All In The Family," what is Gloria's Maiden Name?


In "All In The Family," what is Edith's Maiden Name?


On "Family Affair", what was the name of Buffy's favorite doll?


What actor starred in the '70s sitcom "Sanford & Son?"


What actor was born Arthur Leonard Rosenberg (February 26, 1920) in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and was a star in the '70s sitcom "The Odd Couple?"


What actor was known as Uncle Arthur on the 1960s TV series, "Bewitched?"


What actress was the star in the 1970s Soap-opera spoof "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman?"


What actors starred in the sitcom "Car 54, Where Are You?" (1961-1963)?

 

[moreluck]

Which city did the Petries live in? ("The Dick Van Dyke Show")?
New Rochelle.

On "Maude" what was Maude's husband's name?
Walter.

On the "Mary Tyler Moore Show," what was the profession of Mary's dad?
Doctor.

In "All In The Family," what is Gloria's Maiden Name?
Bunker.

In "All In The Family," what is Edith's Maiden Name?
Baines.

On "Family Affair", what was the name of Buffy's favorite doll?
Mrs. Beasley.

What actor starred in the '70s sitcom "Sanford & Son?"
Redd Foxx.

What actor was born Arthur Leonard Rosenberg (February 26, 1920) in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and was a star in the '70s sitcom "The Odd Couple?"
Tony Randall.

What actor was known as Uncle Arthur on the 1960s TV series, "Bewitched?"
Paul Lynde.

What actress was the star in the 1970s Soap-opera spoof "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman?"
Louise Lasser.

What actors starred in the sitcom "Car 54, Where Are You?" (1961-1963)?
Joe E. Ross played Officer Gunther Toody
Fred Gwynne played Officer Francis Muldoon

 

[traveler]

TWO BLONDES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo!!! Can you see Florida...?"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could s see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to
the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side".

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO...answered the blond, " they're watch dogs

 

[moreluck]

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter,you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark- while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50,but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season Fall).

30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them.

 

[traveler]

NEW TERRORISM ALERT IN FRANCE Date: Wed, 9 Feb 2005 21:29:29 +0000

Subject: NEW TERRORISM ALERT IN FRANCE

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced this morning that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate". This was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of the France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

 

[traveler]

Correct use of the "friend" word
When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the "friend" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

 

[moreluck]

Advice

1. The best way to get even is to forget...

2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...

3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...

5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth...

6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!

7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...

8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.

9. Words are windows to the heart.

10. A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.

11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill - just add a little dirt.

12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the right person.

13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

14. Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.

15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

17. You have to wonder about some humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!

18. It's all right to sit on your "pity pot" every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...

20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

 

[traveler]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

 

[moreluck]

What's the definition of an impotent loser?

A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> out of her" .....You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes,"And you think, "what the <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> do they want now?" ..... You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you SOBs turned off my computer?" ..... You need to pray at work.

When you and a coworker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...", and you want to throw a stapler at him... ..... You need to pray at work.

When you hear a coworker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hell does this bitch want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk.... ..... You need to pray at work.

When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my arse!!" .... You need to pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy bastard"..... .....You need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry arse M#$^%friend%s".... ..... You need to pray at work.

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with... .....You need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story... .....You need to pray at work.

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

 

[traveler]

HMO's EXPLAINED

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 CO-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

 

[moreluck]

To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in.

A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take. "I don't know what you're using for bait," he said to me, "but I'll take a dozen."

 

[moreluck]

Teacher: Billy, do you think Noah did alot of fishing on the Ark?

Billie: What? With ony two worms?

 

[moreluck]

Subject: church

Our church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable. Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation.

At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.

"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."

 

[traveler]

Subject: poker player


Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!


Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.


Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."


After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.


As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"


With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In error she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."


Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

 

[traveler]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Hymn

My brother, a clergyman, is often contacted by funeral directors on behalf of bereaved families who have no church connection. On a visit to a grieving widow, he outlined the funeral service and asked if she might like to request a favorite hymn. "Oh, yes," she answered, "could we have 'Bye Bye Sweetie'?".

Years of pastoral training and experience helped my brother maintain his decorum. He gently asked the widow where she had heard this "hymn," which, he admitted, was unfamiliar to him.

"When I was a little girl," she explained, "I really liked to hear them singing that hymn."

A moment's puzzled reflection brought inspiration: the hymn, remembered from childhood, must surely have been "In the Sweet By and By."

 

[moreluck]

Wonderful Women

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when there is a better solution.

They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

~Unknown