Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Insulting Men....

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.

You've got an IQ of 2. Pity it takes 3 to grunt.



Insulting Women......

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Your so narrow minded when you walk your earrings knock together.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

 

[moreluck]

What do people in China call their good plates?

 

[jcroche]

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT


Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

 

[moreluck]

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!

 

[moreluck]

Twenty dollars:


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day! , she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $ 3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what your were doing, I would have given you ALL of my business!"


You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Israel / Palestine

Let me suggest the perfect solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Since the Palestinians want a homeland and it doesn't seem that chopping Israel up even smaller than it already is, is a satisfactory solution... Let's give France to the Palestinians!

The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting for. Besides, France has better irrigation and soil than the West Bank and Gaza strip. It's the perfect solution. The French won't even fight back.

And how about a new name for this Franco-Palestine country?

I propose the name - - Frankenstine?

 

[jcroche]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week
and gets groceries
once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his
door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man
standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road .....Having a
Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like
to come. About
5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn
you...There's gonna be some
drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the
business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More
'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.
I'll be there Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to
the idea "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be
there. By the way, what
should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

 

[moreluck]

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No.... "It's my ball."

 

[moreluck]

I'll be happy when...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married,
have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't
old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're
frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be
happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life
will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we
get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we
retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right
now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with
challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and
treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special
enough to spend your time with .. and remember that time waits for no
one.


So, stop waiting .
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a
journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love
like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's watching.

 

[moreluck]

A two-headed lamb has been born in China. Do you know what they would call that in the South?

A double date.

 

[swingdriver]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: meter reader

A meter reader succeeded in getting past a vicious dog that was on a very long chain. Later, he was asked by his superior, "How were you able to get past that watchdog? The customer is curious." "It was easy boss, I just parked on his chain."

 

[traveler]

THE RABBIT


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry


A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)





(Are you sure?)



It says,







"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fw: Letters to God
>>>
>>> A. Nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some they
>>> handed in:
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>>
>>> I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You
>>> made on Tuesday That was cool.
>>>
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why
>>> don't You keep the ones You already have?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had
>>> their own rooms.. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>>
>>> I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There
>>> are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all
>> of
>>> them.
>>>
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on
>>> vacation?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>>
>>> Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling
>>> words in the house?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>>
>>> Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
>>> accident?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Who draws the lines around the countries?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is
>>> that OK?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because
>>> if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused
>>> because what I prayed for was a puppy.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
>>> look it up.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so
>>> much hair all over.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the
>>> best.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
>>> He is just kidding, isn't he?
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
>>>
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> Dear God:
>>> We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said
>>> You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.
>>>
>>>
>>>

 

[moreluck]

April Fools' Day

Origin is not certain.

The timing of this day of pranks seems to be related to the arrival of spring, when nature "fools" mankind with fickle weather, according to the Encyclopedia of Religion and the Encyclopedia Britannica.

The Country Diary of Garden Lore, which chronicles the goings-on in an English garden, says that April Fools' Day "is thought to commemorate the fruitless mission of the rook (the European crow), who was sent out in search of land from Noah's flood-encircled ark."

In medieval times the kings and queens had jesters to make them in a good mood. On April 1st the jesters had a day off and the noblemen had to take the jesters place.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: enthusiastic

Is your organization in need of a very intelligent and motivated director?" a self-confident young man asked the company president. "I'm sorry, but we already have twelve directors," explained the president. The young man replied, "Not to worry! I am not superstitious."

 

[moreluck]

At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing, after which the congregation responded, "And also with you."

One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, "There seems to be something wrong with the mike."

The congregation automatically responded, "And also with you."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: nuke warning

If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, or a nuke plant has a radiation leak, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix. That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy.

 

[moreluck]

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally, I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country:

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

 

[moreluck]

Subject: earthquakes

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out- of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.

~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.