Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

THINKING ABOUT HAY

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says.

"Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay, thinking about God than to sit in church, thinking about hay."

 

[moreluck]

Real Signs and advertisements...

Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetary: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket: "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

 

[moreluck]

100 Years Ago.....
statistics for 1904:


The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.

Only 14% of the homes in the US had a
bathtub.

Only 8%of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00 .

There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the US was 22 cents an
hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year.


A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.


A mechanical engineer about $5,000
per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

Ninety % of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.


Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.


Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US
were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas,
Nevada, was 30!



Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or
Father's Day.


Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 % of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to
the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
(Shocking!)

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.


There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.

 

[moreluck]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
> "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Franciscoto New York City?"
> The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says,
> and hangs up.
> ___________________________________________________________________

 

[moreluck]

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.

"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: grade school papers

Excerpts from grade school students' papers:

* The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

* A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

* (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

* The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

* Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

* The parts of speech are lungs and air.

* We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

* A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

* One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

* The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

* The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

* The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

* The future of "I give" is "I take."

* Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

* Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

 

[moreluck]

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

 

[moreluck]

My car has this feature that I guess is standard, because it was on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank.

Whatever side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side.

--Rita Rudner

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Going to Grandma's

We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large gumballs.

I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you want."

"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."

 

[robonono]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been tolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently thanmany do, to our amusement. Here are some more of his gems:


1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect to get it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

[robonono]

OIL SHORTAGE???

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America .
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas.
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

 

[moreluck]

COWBOY JAKE

Jake, the rancher went one day,
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty;
The clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered his tools to go,
The temperature had fallen;
The wind and snow began to blow.


When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart;
From the sound of that ignition,
He knew it wouldn't start!


So Jake did what most of us would do,
Had we been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for one last time,
He softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.


Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming !


Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter.
(Now, this line ain't really needed,
But it helps with rhyme and meter)


So they set and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping score --
In Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,
"That God will answer prayer,
But one time when I asked for help,
Well, HE just plain wasn't there."


"Does God answer prayers of some,
and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season."


"Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering, could you tell me --
What the heck's the deal?!"


Peter listened patiently,
And when old Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, "So, you're the one!!"


"That day! Your truck; It wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us all trying."


"A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake,
We hadn't heard from you, in quite a long while."


"And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota !"

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!

 

[moreluck]

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Stevens Point, WI. They
> turn a corner and see a sign that says
>
> "Old Timer's Bar" " ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"
>
>They look at each other, and then go in.
>
> The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room: "Come on
> and let me pour one for you; what'll it be, gentlemen?"
>
> There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
>
> In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says:
>
> "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
>
>They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
> martinis, and order another round.
>
> Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
>saying,
> "That's 40 more cents, please."
>
>They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand;
>
>They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a
>dollar.
>
> Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the
>bartender
>
> "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime
>apiece?"
>
> "Here's my story. I'm a retired cop from New York, and I always wanted
>to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to
>open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the
>same."
>
>"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men.
>
>The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
> three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front
>of
>them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
> >
> One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks asks
> the bartender, "What's with them?"
>
>The bartender says,
>"They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for Happy Hour."

 

[moreluck]

----- If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps & dents & scratches in my finish & my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.!

Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places & seen many things, but when' s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus & it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip & slide & skid & bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....my radiator leaks!

 

[moreluck]

Dear Diary,
>
> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
> double-pane energy efficient kind....But this week I got a call from the
> contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago
> and I had yet to pay for them....
>
> Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
> am automatically stupid...So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast
> talking sales guy had told me last year...that in one year the windows
> would pay for themselves....
>
> There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I
> have not heard back...
>
> Guess I won that stupid argument.
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: FW: France in trouble

AP and UPI are reporting that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.

The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed

France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

 

[moreluck]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
>doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
>decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
>jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my
>leotards on, the class was over.
>------------------------------

 

[moreluck]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: short story...



I was told they had to write a short story in as few
words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three
things:

(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:


Good Lord, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

 

[moreluck]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO THE WRONG TAX SERVICE

10. You notice that in their appointment book your name is spelled "Boat Payment."

9. IRS auditors have their own parking spot.

8. You overhear the preparer muttering, "What would Kenneth Lay do?"

7. Their corporate motto? "Never Convicted!"

6. Your preparer is calculating your return by counting on his fingers and stamping his foot.

5. A federal agent approaches you in the parking lot and asks if you wouldn't mind wearing a wire.

4. You notice your preparer's laptop computer is an Etch-A-Sketch.

3. There's an autographed portrait of Morley Safer in the lobby.

2. The candy dish on the desk is stocked with sedatives.

1. They can change your muffler at the same time.