Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

WHEN TO QUIT GOLF

Most golfers develop a lust for the game, some become very successful, some just never make it all work out. The following are some signs of when it is time to quit, particularly when your group members keep asking if you like bowling all the time:

1. You have had three putts and your group members tell you that you're still away.

2. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.

3. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.

4. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.

5. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.

6. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet from the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.

7. You have the thought you that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.

8. The starter leaves a one hour gap after your tee off time.

9. When you call fore on a par three, and everyone runs to the green for safety.

10. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.

 

[moreluck]

Job Applications....

We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education. One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them. Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Haggling

Out shopping one day, I noticed a couple looking at some ceiling tiles. I mentioned to them that I had some left over from my garage sale the week before and would sell them for $1.20 each. In the event they were interested, I gave them my name and home address and told them to stop by. The tiles were outside. The next day I returned home from an errand and found a note in my mailbox. It read: "We met yesterday at the store. We came by and took 18 ceiling tiles. We haggled you down to $15. Hope that's okay."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Chinese Meal

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Oh my God, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise.'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter... 'I've brought you the Peking duck'.

 

[moreluck]

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... ..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

 

[moreluck]

Bet this wouldn't happen these days...

When Jack Benny was invited to perform at the White House, he showed up at the gate with his violin case under his arm. A burly guard blocked his way. Somewhat tensely, the guard asked what was in the case.

'A machine gun,' Benny said.

The guard relaxed. 'Oh, that's fine, Mr. Benny,' he said. 'Go right in. For a moment there I was afraid it was your violin.'

 

[moreluck]

THREE BLONDES (NATURAL) DIED AND FOUND THEMSELVES STANDING BEFORE ST.PETER.

HE TOLD THEM THAT BEFORE THEY COULD ENTER THE KINGDOM, THEY HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT EASTER WAS.

THE FIRST BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS A HOLIDAY WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG FEAST
AND WE GIVE THANKS AND EAT TURKEY."

ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.

THE SECOND BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' BIRTH AND EXCHANGE GIFTS."

ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.

THE THIRD BLONDE SAID, SHE KNEW WHAT EASTER IS, AND ST. PETER SAID, "SO, TELL ME."

SHE SAID, "EASTER IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY THAT COINCIDES WITH THE JEWISH FESTIVAL OF PASSOVER. JESUS WAS HAVING PASSOVER FEAST WITH HIS DISCIPLES WHEN HE WAS BETRAYED BY JUDAS, AND THE ROMANS ARRESTED HIM. THE ROMANS HUNG HIM ON THE CROSS AND EVENTUALLY HE DIED. THEN THEY BURIED HIM IN A TOMB BEHIND A VERY LARGE BOULDER.


ST. PETER SAID, "VERRRRRRY GOOD."

THEN THE BLONDE CONTINUED, "NOW EVERY YEAR THE JEWS ROLL AWAY THE BOULDER
AND JESUS COMES OUT. IF HE SEES HIS SHADOW, WE HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF BASKETBALL."


ST. PETER FAINTED.

 

[moreluck]

The owner of a golf course in Maine was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maine, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those women from Maine.

==============================================

 

[moreluck]

Welfare Dept Letter Excerpts...
The following are excerpts from actual letters received by the welfare department of an unnamed state.

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on half a sheet of paper."

"I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?"

"Mrs. Jackson has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy."

"I cannot get sick pay, I have six children. Can you tell me why?"

"I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead."

"This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?"

"Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows."

"I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illegitimate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born."

"In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake, as you can see."

"My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since."

"Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life."

"You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?"

"I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night."

"In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor."

 

[moreluck]

Golf Club Sign

A golf club sign informing visitors of its dress code:

Guys: No Shirts, No Golf

Girls: No Shirts, No Green Fee

 

[moreluck]

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
___________________________________________________________________

 

[moreluck]

If you are planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races. The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.

The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.

 

[moreluck]

The boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much stuff a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"


The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living
with two Sluts and a Queer.

 

[moreluck]

Warning!!
>
> Please read this carefully. It is really scary. This
> is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced
> it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family
> who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about
> the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was
> passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was
> an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every
> day.
>
> My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few
> years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in
> my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The
> new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would
> have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been
> mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what
> happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking
> for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned
> myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy
> pantyhose.
>
> Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck
> again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang,
> because they took pains to match my new rear end
> (although badly attached at least three inches lower
> than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with
> earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for
> lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in
> fashion.
>
> It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been
> switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I
> watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my
> upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the
> hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was
> being replaced one section at a time. How clever and
> fiendish.
>
> Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to
> creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I
> was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In
> despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to
> me next?
>
> My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the
> Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I
> decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical
> profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and
> smell the coffee.
>
> That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are
> using. You KNOW where they are getting those
> replacement parts, don't you?
>
> The next time you suspect someone has had a face
> "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think
> I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy
> Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is
> not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town
> every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
>
> P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had
> stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were
> gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see
> that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I
> slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband
>

 

[moreluck]

Hollywood movie star Lana Turner arrived in London, England, in 1958 to make the film "Another Time, Another Place". One young actor in the movie enchanted her with his smile and gorgeous accent. As the film progressed, however, Miss Turner became less and less enthusiastic about her discovery - the accent, she said, was just not suitable for her film.

On the final day of shooting, Miss Turner asked the film's publicist to give a message to her young discovery. "Tell him he just hasn't got what it takes to be a star. Tell him I suggest he find another line of work."

Happily, the publicist didn't follow her suggestion. He never told Sean Connery what Lana Turner had said.

 

[moreluck]

A group of Maine friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

 

[moreluck]

Warning...

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is when you stop for a red light a young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this!

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday...

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Redefining

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an .

 

[moreluck]

Funny Foreign Phrases

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
-- Can you drive a French motorcycle?


IDIOS AMIGOS
-- We're wild and crazy guys!


VENI, VIPI, VICI
-- I came, I'm a very important person,I conquered.


COGITO EGGO SUM
-- I think; therefore I am a waffle.


RIGOR MORRIS
-- The cat is dead.


RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
-- Honk if you're Scottish.


QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal.

POSH MORTEM
-- Death styles of the rich and famous


PRO BOZO PUBLICO
-- Support your local clown.



HASTE CUISINE
-- Fast French food


QUIP PRO QUO
-- A fast retort


ALOHA OY
-- Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.


. MAZEL TON -- tons of luck



VISA LA FRANCE
-- Don't leave your chateau without it.



L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
-- I'm bossy around here.

 

[moreluck]

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at University of Maine was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in "Maine" When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.