Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

A new version of "COWS".....only better
> >>>
> >>> DEMOCRATIC
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> Your neighbor has none.
> >>>
> >>> You feel guilty for being successful.
> >>>
> >>> Barbara Streisand sings for you.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> REPUBLICANISM
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> Your neighbor has none.
> >>>
> >>> So?
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> SOCIALIST
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
> >>>
> >>> You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> COMMUNIST
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
> >>>
> >>> You wait in line for hours to get it.
> >>>
> >>> It is expensive and sour.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk
> >>>the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> AMERICAN CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one.
> >>>
> >>> You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
> >>>
> >>> You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
> >>>
> >>> You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized
> >>> and
> >>>are reducing expenses.
> >>>
> >>> Your stock goes up.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> FRENCH CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> You go on strike because you want three cows.
> >>>
> >>> You go to lunch and drink wine.
> >>>
> >>> Life is good.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> JAPANESE CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow
> >>> and
> >>>produce twenty times the milk.
> >>>
> >>> They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
> >>>
> >>> Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> GERMAN CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
> >>>excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
> >>>
> >>> Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> ITALIAN CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
> >>>
> >>> While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
> >>>
> >>> You break for lunch.
> >>>
> >>> Life is good.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> You have some vodka.
> >>>
> >>> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> >>>
> >>> You have some more vodka.
> >>>
> >>> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> >>>
> >>> The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really
have.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> TALIBAN CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
> >>>
> >>> You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private
> >>>parts.
> >>>
> >>> You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
> >>> alternatives
> >>>to milk production but use the money to buy weapons
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> IRAQI CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> They go into hiding.
> >>>
> >>> They send radio tapes of their mooing.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> POLISH CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have two bulls.
> >>>
> >>> Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> BELGIAN CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
> >>>
> >>> Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
> >>>
> >>> The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
> >>>
> >>> The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
> >>>
> >>> The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
> >>>
> >>> The cow dies happy.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> FLORIDA CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have a black cow and a brown cow.
> >>>
> >>> Everyone votes for the best looking one.
> >>>
> >>> Some of the people who actually like the brown one best
accidentally
> >>>vote for the black one.
> >>>
> >>> Some people vote for both.
> >>>
> >>> Some people vote for neither.
> >>>
> >>> Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
> >>>
> >>> Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
> >>> think
> >>>is the best-looking cow.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> You have millions of cows.
> >>>
> >>> They make real California cheese.
> >>>
> >>> Only five speak English.
> >>>
> >>> Most are illegal.
> >>>
> >>> Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> MISSISSIPPI CORPORATION
> >>>
> >>> Your have two cows.
> >>>
> >>> They get married.
> >>>
> >>> Then they get divorced.
> >>>
> >>> They are still brother and sister.
> >>>
> >>> They are still your first cousins.
> >>>
> >>> 3rd grade is still hard at 19.
> >>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: news story

A livestock truck overturned in my town, and the accident made local news. The young reporter who covered the story declared on camera, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into nearby woods." At the studio there was muffled laughter as they cut to a commercial. After the break, the reporter sheepishly added,

"About that overturned truck -- make those Black Angus cattle."

 

[moreluck]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She
responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

 

[moreluck]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his
>>> co-worker is wearing an ear ring.
>>>
>>> This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
>>> conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
>>> change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and
>>> says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
>>>
>>> "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he
>>> replies sheepishly.
>>>
>>> His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then
>>> his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you
>>> been wearing one?"
>>>
>>> "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

[moreluck]

This day in history...1850

California became a state. The state had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California today except the women had
real boobs...

 

[moreluck]

True Love

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, presented to have sutures (stitches) removed from his thumb.

He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and to redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for awhile and that she was a victim of Alzheimers Disease.

As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said.. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arms, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

~~~God Bless You! Make it a GREAT day!

 

[moreluck]

For all the golfers out there or their patient loving wives...

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting
out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic
and just pull the tooth and be done with it! I don't have time to wait for
the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man,
asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the
dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the
doctor which tooth hurts."

 

[moreluck]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.


He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.


She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.


She will praise you!

She will bear your children,

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.


"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely

give you love and passion whenever you need it."


Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."


Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"




Of course the rest is history...........

 

[moreluck]

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
>>
>> Company Policy:
>>
>> Effective from January 2005
>>
>>
>>
>> Dress Code
>>
>> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
>>
> If
>>
>> we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
>>
> are
>>
>> doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
>>
>> poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
>>
> buy
>>
>> nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
>>
> just
>>
>> right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
>>
> need a
>>
>> raise.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sick Days
>>
>> We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
>>
> you
>>
>> are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>>
>>
>>
>> Personal Days
>>
>> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>>
>> Saturday & Sunday.
>>
>>
>>
>> Bereavement Leave
>>
>> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
>>
> dead
>>
>> friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>>
>> non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>>
>> involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>>
>> afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
>>
> hour
>>
>> and subsequently leave one hour early.
>>
>>
>>
>> Toilet Use
>>
>> Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
>>
> strict
>>
>> three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
>>
>> alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
>>
> will
>>
>> open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
>>
> picture
>>
>> will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
>>
> Offenders
>>
>> category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned
>>
> under
>>
>> the company's mental health policy.
>>
>>
>>
>> Lunch Break
>>
>> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
>>
> that
>>
>> they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 m inutes for lunch to
>>
> get
>>
>> a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5
>>
>> minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
>>
>> Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
>>
>> provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
>>
>> comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
>>
> aggravations,
>>
>> insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
>>
> and
>>
>> input should be directed elsewhere
>>
>>

 

[moreluck]

A Polish immigrant goes to a Motor Vehicles branch to apply for a driver's license and has to take an eye sight test

The optician shows him a card with the letters

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies,

"Hell I know the guy.........!"

 

[moreluck]

A group of people here in Missouri are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless here.

The name of this group... 'guys'.

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?

A: Mississippi

 

[moreluck]

Subject: new math

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind

 

[moreluck]

TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT LAST DAY.
>
> 1... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll
> ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
>
> 2... God won't ask the square footage of your house,
> He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
>
> 3... God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
> He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
>
> 4... God won't ask what your highest salary was.
> He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
>
> 5... God won't ask what your job title was.
> He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your
> ability.
>
> 6... God won't ask how many friends you had.
> He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
>
> 7... God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
> He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
>
> 8... God won't ask about the color of your skin,
> He'll ask about the content of your character.
>
> 9... God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation.
> He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to
> the gates of Hell.
>
> 10... God won't have to ask how many people you
> forwarded this to, He already knows your decision.

 

[moreluck]

A furniture dealer from Arkansas decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to seen what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his
table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, and after he
took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....


Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: sermon

Johnny is a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Mary, was sick and stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?"

"Yup," was Johnny's brief reply.

"What was it about?" Mary asked.

"Sin."

"And what did the Pastor say?"

"He's against it."

 

[moreluck]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said
about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the
Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: sermon

Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...

"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!

 

[moreluck]

The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."

A male passenger shouted, "WHY?!?"

 

[moreluck]

Golf Match

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
>
> They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the term.
>
> The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
>
> As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
>
>The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got All flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
>
> The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
> You keep your winnings."
>
> The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
>
> The Priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."