Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Embarrassed...

One night my husband treated his widowed mother and I to a movie. We were enjoying the film until it came to a fairly explicit bedroom love scene. Embarrassed, I wondered what my mother-in-law must be thinking.

Just then I felt her hand touch mine. With her eyes still glued to the screen, my mother-in-law whispered, "Lovely sheets. I wonder where she got them."

 

[moreluck]

TOP TEN THINGS SURE TO UPSET THE BRIDE ON HER WEDDING DAY

10. Have someone start "the wave" and toss a beach ball around the congregation during the ceremony.

9. Change the vows from "until death do you part" to "until the first tribal council."

8. Tell her all the pre-wedding counseling sessions with the minister have convinced you to enter the priesthood.

7. Start any sentence by saying, "Well, I would have done it this way...."

6. Wear your cell phone earpiece at the altar.

5. Add a real chicken to the Chicken Dance.

4. Tell her you're a little surprised she chose to wear white.

3. Swap her wedding dress with an exact replica that's two sizes smaller.

2. Tape a "Wide Load" sign to her backside right before she walks down the aisle.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING SURE TO UPSET THE BRIDE ON HER WEDDING DAY?

1. "Wedding? That was today??"

 

[moreluck]

Fireflies

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

 

[moreluck]

Headstones

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More

 

[moreluck]

THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW


January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too
tight.


February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit
into
the typewriter.


March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
because
the box said "2-4 years."


April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.


May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into
those
little packets.


June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake
with a
slope.


July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained
to
the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the
top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered
"C."

October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1
hour
per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone
button.

 

[moreluck]

Pharmacist

A fellow who works as a pharmacist at a high traffic pharmacy tells this one. He said technicians, who don't always know the purpose of the medicines they dispense, do most of the processing. One day last week, he says, there was a medicine making its way to the counter for a waiting customer. The tech didn't know the medicine's purpose was to help with erection problems.

Seeing that the customer seemed to be growing impatient, the tech sought to placate him and reassured him, "Yours will be up in just a minute, sir...."

 

[moreluck]

Young men exaggerate; Old men pretend.

A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....(How can they know that?)

No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

 

[moreluck]

The Clintons....

Bill and Hillary are at the Red Sox World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,"Bill you "!^$#@&!"

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!

I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch!"

 

[therodog]

Typoglycemia....weird!!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia


Anzamig huh?
Yaeh, and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

 

[moreluck]

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast and though my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me . As it
turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy
birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will
remember..The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So
when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the
greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We
didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little
place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said,
"No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge
birthday cake.............followed by my wife, children, and a few of
our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there..........





on the couch........





naked.

 

[therodog]

Best Out of Office Auto Replies




1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

 

[moreluck]

Non-Living things have a gender - you May Not Know That Many Non-Living things Have A Gender.

Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

 

[moreluck]

Teaching Hospital

Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.

The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.

The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.

 

[therodog]

TOP TEN THINGS SURE TO UPSET THE BRIDE ON HER WEDDING DAY

10. Have someone start "the wave" and toss a beach ball around the congregation during the ceremony.

9. Change the vows from "until death do you part" to "until the first tribal council."

8. Tell her all the pre-wedding counseling sessions with the minister have convinced you to enter the priesthood.

7. Start any sentence by saying, "Well, I would have done it this way...."

6. Wear your cell phone earpiece at the altar.

5. Add a real chicken to the Chicken Dance.

4. Tell her you're a little surprised she chose to wear white.

3. Swap her wedding dress with an exact replica that's two sizes smaller.

2. Tape a "Wide Load" sign to her backside right before she walks down the aisle.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING SURE TO UPSET THE BRIDE ON HER WEDDING DAY?

1. "Wedding? That was today??"

 

[moreluck]

church politics

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

 

[moreluck]

Things to Ponder ...

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Are female moths called myths?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

Can a stupid person be a smart-a@@?

Can fat people go skinny- dipping?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Day light savings time-why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Do fish get thirsty?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Do mass murderers kill only in church?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

 

[moreluck]

Sayings You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie..

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

 

[moreluck]

Time....

Take time to work ~ it is the price of success

Take time to think ~ it is the source of power.

Take time to play ~ it is the secret to perpetual youth.

Take time to read ~ it is the fountain of wisdom.

Take time to be friendly ~ it is the road to happiness.

Take time to dream ~ it is your highway to the stars.

Take time to give ~ it is too short a day to be selfish.

Take time to laugh ~ it is the music of the heart.

Take time to love & be loved ~ it is nourishment of the soul.

 

[moreluck]

Garbage....

If the garbage workers in your community ever go out on strike, you might like to know how a wise New Yorker disposed of his refuse for the nine days the sanitation workers were off the job. Each day he wrapped his garbage in gift paper. Then he put it in a shopping bag. When he parked his car, he left the bag on the front seat with the window open. When he got back to the car, the garbage had always been collected.

 

[moreluck]

One Liners...

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse- it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. .

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. .

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise. .

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?