Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

LIVING On The GULF COAST

You know you live on the Gulf Coast or Hurricane Territory when:

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You own more than three large coolers.

You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.

A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side".

You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning

 

[moreluck]

Perhaps You Have Weight Problem?

If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you witha limo?

* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

 

[moreluck]

apples & grapes


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples
from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is
brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been
picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

 

[moreluck]

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sweets.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

 

[moreluck]

The Best Little Whorehouse
A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout."

The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best." The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner.

The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had.

The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike.

Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table. The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good."

The man then chuckles and says, "You should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a chicken."

 

[moreluck]

A Flucky??

An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)

"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]

"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."

Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky."

Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

 

[moreluck]

Alternative Names For Cubicles....

Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death

Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat

Slack-In-The-Box

Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club

Peon Palazzo

Yuppie Terrarium

The SnackFood Triangle

English Majors Entry Point

Luxury Manhattan Apartment

International Porn Downloading Headquarters

Fortress of Servitude

Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2005

 

[moreluck]

SENIORS

They went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast
for $1.99.

"Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the
eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and
forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress
warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife
asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home...

Don't mess with seniors! They weren't born
yesterday!!!!

 

[moreluck]

"A DUMMIES' GUIDE TO LIFE"

Never throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more

. When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to report it on your income tax return.

April 1st is Your special high holy day.

 

[therodog]

<font color="000000"><font face="verdana,arial,helvetica"><font size="-1">

Deep Questions.......</font></font></font>

1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5 Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10 What is the speed of darkness?

11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for non-disabled people at The Special Olympics?

12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?


16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18 Can you cry under water?

19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ............ they're still going to see you naked anyway.


(Message edited by therodog on August 25, 2005)

 

[therodog]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
> > reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
> > stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
> > industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
> > miles to the gallon".
> >
> > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
> > release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we
> > would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
> >
> > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice
> > a day.
> >
> > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have
> > to buy a new car.
> >
> > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> > would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
> > windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
> > you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> >
> > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
> > turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
> > which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
> >
> > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
> > sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy
> > to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
> >
> > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
> > all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
> > Operation" warning light.
> >
> > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> >
> > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
> > would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
> > lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
> > antenna.
> >
> > 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
> > learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
> > operate in the same manner as the old car.
> >
> > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

[therodog]

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately;

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers
kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is
parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame
Bill Gates!

Have a Great Day

 

[therodog]

GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
> >
> > 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
> > little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
> >
> > 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
> > peeing section in a swimming pool?
> >
> > 3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
> > the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that
> > make the Tennessee Titans?
> >
> > 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
> > one enjoys it?
> >
> > 5. There are three religious truths:
> > a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
> > b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
> > faith.
> > c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
> > Hooters.
> >
> > 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
> > Holland called Holes?
> >
> > 7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
> >
> > 8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
> >
> > 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
> > bread to begin with?
> >
> > 10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
> > person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
> >
> > 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
> >
> > 12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
> > follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
> > cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
> > cleaners depressed?
> >
> > 13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
> >
> > 14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
> >
> > 15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
> >
> > 16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
> > lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're
> > cramming for their final exam.
> >
> > 17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
> > spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
> > Toothpicks?
> >
> > 18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
> > What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
> > their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
> > them while they deliver the mail?
> >
> > 19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
> > are the others here for?
> >
> > 20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
> >
> > 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
> > zigzag?
> >
> > 22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
> >
> > 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
> >
> >
> >
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---
>---------
> >
> >
> > I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...
> >
> > I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...
> >
> > I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...
> >
> > I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...
> >
> > I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE.
> >
> > YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ALL MY LOVE,
> >
> >
> > THE FLU
> >
> > (so who did you think it would be ??)

 

[therodog]

TRUE FACT


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

------------------------------------------------------------------

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?

------------------

 

[therodog]

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan...what we
>need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
>Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) "I see a lot of
>people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a viable plan for
>peace. So, here's my plan:
>
>1) The US will apologize to the world for our interference" in their
>affairs, past &amp; present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.
>
>2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
>Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. Instead, we will station
>these troops at all of OUR borders. No more sneaking through holes in
>the fence to get in.
>
>3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
>leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder
>will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or
>where they are. France would welcome them.
>
>4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day
>visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation
>would be allowed in. If you don't like it where you live, change it
>yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not EVER be available to
>ANYONE. We don't need any more cab drivers.
>
>5) No international "students" over age 21. The older ones are the
>bombers. If our international students don't attend classes, they get
>an "friend" and it's back home, baby. End of discussion.
>
>6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy
>wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but
>will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.
>The caribou will have to cope for a while.
>
>7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel
>for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
>
>8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we
>will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds,
>rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them
>gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it most get
>very little, anyway.
>
>9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need
>spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good
>homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
>
>9b) Use the UN's buildings as replacement for the twin towers.
>
>10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one
>can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
>
>Now, ain't that a winner of a plan. "The Statue of Liberty is no longer
>saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's
>got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
>

 

[therodog]

Somehow we survived.

If you get this email, you're over 35...You lived as a child in the 60s or the 70s.
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we
have.................

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a
special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets,
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking
to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then
rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us
all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.

We played dodge-ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We
got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no law suits from
these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
learned to get over it.

We were never overweight.........we were always outside playing.

We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no
one died from this.

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at
all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal
cellular phones, Personal Computers, internet chat rooms, ...............
we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or
walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just
walked and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a
parent!
By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian.
How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and
although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor
did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....Some students weren't
as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the
same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to
hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an
explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

 

[therodog]

TOP 17 BUMPER STICKERS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
> > >
> > >15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
> > >
> > >14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
> > >
> > >13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
> > >
> > >12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
> > >
> > >11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
> > >
> > >10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
> > >
> > >9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
> > >
> > >8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
> > >"Everybody But Me."
> > >
> > >7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
> > >
> > >6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
> > >
> > >5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
> > >
> > >4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
> > >
> > >
> > >3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be
> >out
> > >by itself.
> > >
> > >2. Hang up and drive!
> > >
> > >AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!
> > >
> > >1. Welcome to America...now speak English!
>

(Message edited by therodog on August 25, 2005)

(Message edited by therodog on August 25, 2005)

(Message edited by therodog on August 25, 2005)

 

[therodog]

You know you're living in 2005 when.....
> > >
> > >
> > > 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
> > >
> > >
> > > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> > >
> > >
> > > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
> > >
> > >
> > > 4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.
> > >
> > >
> > > 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
> > > do
> > >
> > >
> > > not have e-mail addresses.
> > >
> > >
> > > 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
> > >
> > >
> > > phone in a business manner
> > >
> > >
> > > 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9"
> > > to
> > >
> > >
> > > get an outside line.
> > >
> > >
> > > 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
> > >
> > >
> > > different companies.
> > >
> > >
> > > 10. You learn about your lay-off on the 10 o'clock news.
> > >
> > >
> > > 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
> > >
> > >
> > > 12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to
> > > get
> > >
> > >
> > > long-service awards.
> > >
> > >
> > > ..... and the real clinchers are...
> > >
> > >
> > > 13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
> > >
> > >
> > > 14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
> > >
> > >
> > > "friends".
> > >
> > >
> > > 15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any
>more,
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > except to send you jokes from the net.
> > >
> > >
> > > 16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
> > >
> > >
> > > 17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
> > >
> > >
> > > (Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)

 

[nevadapaul]

Ahh yes, re-runs on the Brown Cafe too!!!

 

[moreluck]

Southern Expressions:

Southern Comments Exclamations......

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."



Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"



Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."



The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."



Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."



Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."