Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

 

[moreluck]

Progress

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"

 

[moreluck]

Rules for Driving in the South

* A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

* Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Southerner never uses them.

* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

* Tailgating is a "must" to all Southerners.

* Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

If you MUST use turn signals, here's how to do it, Southern Style.

* Signal only when you feel like it.

* If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.

* Signal only after you change lanes.

* When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes.

* Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

* If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.

* If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.

* When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.

* When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

* Always apply your brakes way before you signal.

* When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

* Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.

* If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

 

[moreluck]

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goats milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, hes a martyr."

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, dont they?"

 

[moreluck]

GOLFIN'& GOOFIN

Andy, a friend of mine in the UK, hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome recently when his ball landed in a sand trap.

Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at his ball. When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was.

"Three." he replied.

"Oh come on !" said another member of the group. "I heard six."

Andy brazenly replied, "Three were echoes."

 

[moreluck]

Things That Drive You Crazy...

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to open it.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Getting gas next to 12 people, just as the elevator doors close, while going to the 39th floor.

Locking your keys in your car, looking through the window and realizing the spare is in the wallet right next to it.

When someone brakes at a yellow light right in front of you just as you're speeding up.

You get 20 calls from telemarketers and on the 21st call you just let them have a piece of your mind and it's your mother.

When your mother calls during sex and you pick up the phone out of habit.

Being in a traffic jam when the opposite direction is going 75 miles an hour.

Your girlfriend wants to discuss your relationship during the Superbowl, in the last minute of the 4th quarter, when the game is tied.

When your boss catches you reading these stupid jokes. Now get back to work!

 

[moreluck]

Kids

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

 

[moreluck]

Catholic Heart Attack:
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.
"The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Ok then, send the bill to my brother in law."

 

[moreluck]

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.'

Among its cutting-edge femi-features:

- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles

- Permanent press fenders.

- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

 

[moreluck]

Laws of Life:

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing some- thing else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

 

[moreluck]

Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."

 

[moreluck]

~Extreme Bumper Stickers~

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.


Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

 

[moreluck]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the front of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

************************************************************

 

[moreluck]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

 

[moreluck]

Thomas Edison

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

 

[moreluck]

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor......

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

 

[moreluck]

Old Tune....

One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, "Well, did he?"

"Did he what?"

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.

 

[moreluck]

A South American Scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e-mails with their right hand on the mouse....

Don't bother taking it off, it's too late.

 

[moreluck]

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

***************************

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

 

[moreluck]

Safety First

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double- checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.