Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Football

It was a particularly tough game, and nerves were on edge. The Browns had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the Steelers by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the Steelers' favor, the Browns' quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed.

"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.

"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that YOU STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

"And how do I smell from here?" he called.

 

[moreluck]

Dogs Are Miracles With Paws

A dog's nose in the palm of your hand can cure almost anything.

Dogs are made of love and fur.

Let your dog take you for a walk.

Dogs are a sure thing.

Little known dog secrets - dogs have no secrets.

Dogs are like vanilla ice cream - reliably delicious.

Dogs are wise agents directly from heaven.

If you had a tail, wouldn't you wag it?

There are no bad dogs!

Be your dogs best friend.

Dogs like dancing & dreaming.

God made dog and spelled His own name backwards.

Dogs make great therapists.

Kiss your dog all the time.

Some dogs are nap dogs.

Dogs invented unconditional love.

Dogs are party animals.

Apply dog logic to life....eat well, be loved, get petted, sleep a lot & dream of a leash
free world.

Live your dog's life!

 

[moreluck]

Lawyers
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.

 

[therodog]

Subject: Men are happier


Men Are Just Happier People--Your last name stays put. Your garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

 

[moreluck]

America is Christian

Keep this moving, goodstuff speaks for itself.

Samuel Thompson wrote:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.

I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

"But it's a Christian prayer," some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. And we are in the Bible Belt. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome...

"But what about the atheists?" is another argument. What about them?

Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer. Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us just to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well..........just sue me..

The silent majority has been silent too long.. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don't care what they want.. it is time the majority rules!

It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray.. you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance, you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right..
but by golly you are no longer going to take our rights away .. we are fighting back.. and we WILL WIN! After all, the God you have the right to denounce is on our side!

God bless us one and all, especially those who denounce Him..

God bless America, despite all her faults.. still the greatest nation of all.....

God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God...

May 2005 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.

Keep looking up.... In God WE Trust!!!

 

[moreluck]

The Elderly Italian Man & The Priest...

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you! are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[therodog]

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? ....
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?.... .
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ..
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the
same time?....
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on
their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ? .
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ..
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ..
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins? ....
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion? .
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a
lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker!

 

[traveler]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in
Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food
exceptional. "But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home.

Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough to
drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the
house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did
this actually happen to you."

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my
sister."

 

[nevadapaul]

Two Redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pick-em-up
truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone
hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you
that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the
antlers won't dig into the ground." After the lone hunter left, the two
Rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, "Ya
know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck..."

 

[dannyboy]

Not really a joke....

On Saturday we went to the county fair to watch my daughter ride her horse Zander in the Arabian competition. She did very well, as this was the first time she competed with the adult class and placed. REally not to bad considering she only started riding less than 9 months ago.

Anyway, shortly after we got back to the horse trailer, there was a loud ruckus next to the roadway.

We looked around the trailers and there was this fairly large female in the process of beeting this guy, who at that time had assumed the fetal possition on the ground, with a 6 foot length of PVC. She was very good at it, must have been in the soft ball league at school or church.

As she was beating the hell out of the guy she was overheard saying "Your friend*&#$9 her? Why dont you have sex with me?" Over and over again the blows landed with the same questions and no answer.

This lasted every bit of 5 or 6 minutes before the local police came by and rescued the man. Or should I say what was left.

Anyway, not all that funny, but with close to 500 or more people watching, and no one offering to help. Figured he was paying the piper?

d

 

[pd109]

Quote from john Derringer Q 107 radio station.
If Elizabeth Taylor gets one more face lift,she`s gonna have a beard.

 

[traveler]

Out of the mouths of babes!

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the friend sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

 

[moreluck]

Church choir


Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the music director and the pastor get into it, stand back.

One week the pastor preached on commitment and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The choir selected "I Shall Not Be Moved " as the final hymn.

Next week the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir selected "Jesus Paid It All " as the final hymn.

Next week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The choir selected "I Love To Tell The Story" as the final hymn.

Next week the pastor being disgusted over the situation, told the congregation that he was considering resignation. The choir selected "Why Not Tonight " as the final hymn.

Then the pastor resigned the next week and told the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was now leading him away. The choir selected "What A Friend We Have In Jesus " as the final hymn...

 

[moreluck]

TOP 16 COUNTRY SONGS

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is. . . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

 

[moreluck]

Smiling In The Mortuary ....

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[traveler]

CLAUDE AND MAUDE



Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.



Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler".

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

 

[moreluck]

Dogs write to God.....

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?



Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or is it going to be the same old story?



Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'



Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?



Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?



Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please




Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?



Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?



And, finally, my last question


Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?

 

[moreluck]

The Parable Of The Spoons

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand."

It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.

 

[moreluck]

Panel of Doctors

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some @ss.

 

[moreluck]

We Ain't Dumb Down South - Yankee Test

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are.


We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:



1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.



2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.



3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?



4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. -- --

How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?



5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?



6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?



7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?



8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?




9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?



10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

O.K. -- all you smarties answer up!