Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Cats and Teenagers

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:


Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.


No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.


You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.


Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.


No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.


Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.


Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.


Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.


Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.


Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.


Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

[moreluck]

Don't Look Behind You

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps- lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

 

[moreluck]

NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee etc. cannot take care of it .... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1955!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:


1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being .. . . . absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...

 

[moreluck]

Sleepers?

Urgently in need of sleeping cars a Canadian Railroad inserted the following advertisement in one of the trade journals. '300 Sleepers Wanted. Needed at Once.'

A short time later they received a letter from a minister of a church in Iowa offering his entire congregation.

 

[moreluck]

LOVE IS BLIND"

"I love my cats," I tell myself - as they claw my chair. Then when I turn the vacuum off they scatter litter everywhere.

To guests I say, "They're really very well-behaved and sweet." That's when they leap onto the counter looking for a snack to eat!

When the vase of flowers topples, I don't scold or screech. Instead I simply blame myself for placing it within their reach.

Freshly laundered clothes provide the perfect place to nap. After all, when we're not home they don't have access to a lap!

When you open up your heart to cats this much is true - the meaning of the old expression, "Love is Blind", becomes brand new!

(Author...Carole Preble)

 

[moreluck]

What I have Seen....

What I have seen since Katrina:

The poor and the wealthy hurt by the storm.

Black, white, Hispanic, Oriental and Indian all hurt by the storm.

Christian people giving, giving, giving.

Churches going all out to minister in Jesus' name.

Neighbors going door to door helping one another.

Thugs and hoodlums going door to door looking for someone vulnerable.

Ice and water being fought over as police tried to keep the peace.

People coming up from New Orleans taking over empty houses because shelters are full.

Out of town volunteers coming with food and staying for now a week still serving it.

The Churches all over this part of the country doing what Christians do in a crisis.

The Red Cross doing a great job in the shelters.

The Salvation Army doing a great job in the community.

Four Hundred crewman from everywhere bring back the power to our homes, churches and businesses.

Lines at service stations a block to a mile long.

National Guardsman patrolling the streets of Mc Comb along with Kentucky policemen protecting us from the hoodlums and thugs of Mc Comb, Pike County and New Orleans (the most dangerous city in the world before Katrina.)

Drug dealers working outside shelters.

Doctors, nurses and other hospital personnel working tirelessly, even sleeping in the hospital to do the job God called them to do.

WHAT I HAVE NOT SEEN;

The ACLU setting up a feeding line.

People for the American Way helping in the shelters.

The NAACP doing any work whatsoever.

The American Atheist organization serving meals in the shelters.

 

[moreluck]

>>> After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work
>>> to avoid passing my favorite bakery.
>>>
>>> I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the
>>> window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I
>>> prayed:
>>>
>>> "Lord, it's up to you....if you want me to have any of those delicious
>>> goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the
>>> bakery.
>>>
>>> And sure enough, He answered my prayer: on the eighth time around
>>> the block there was a parking space!
>>>
>>> God is so Good ..
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>
>>

 

[moreluck]

Retired Proud American

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his Passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that, yes, he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your Passport ready."

"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their Passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

 

[moreluck]

Old Age Bites!

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when your wife gives up fooling around for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

 

[moreluck]

Grandma's Shoes...

When I was very little
All the Grandmas that I knew
All walked around this world
In ugly grandma shoes.

You know the ones I speak of,
those black clunky heeled kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind,

For I knew, when I grew old .
I'd have to wear those shoes,
I'd think of that, from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.

I never was a rebel,
I wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
Then the sandals, pretty cool.

And then came spikes with pointed toes
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came along
I wore them, one and all.

But always, in the distance,
Looming in my future, there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandmas wear.

I eventually got married
And then I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left,
And when their children came along,

I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes
Was what I'd have to wear.

How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn't even think about
How I would ride my bike!

But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realized
That the shape of things to come
Was changing, right before my eyes.

And now, when I go shopping
What I see, fills me with glee
For, in my jeans and Reeboks
I'm as comfy as can be.

And I look at all these teenage girls
And there, upon their feet
Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes,
And they really think they're neat.

~By Betty Cessna~

 

[susiedriver]

"Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare: an electric chair with no power."
--Jay Leno

-

"Hurricane Rita is supposed to make landfall in Texas, which is good for Barbara Bush because she can insult survivors closer to home."
--Bill Maher

-

"Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House."
--Conan O'Brien

-

"The president believes the government should be limited not in size, Jon, but in effectiveness. In terms of effectiveness, this is the most limited government we've ever had."
--Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

-

"Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, `Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.'"
--David Letterman

 

[wkmac]

You know what is funnier to me than Bush jokes is someone totally consumed with Bush some much they miss all the other good things in life!

JMO and a personal observation.

 

[susiedriver]

wkmac,

Don't be like some of the other sheep here and assume things about me. I'm not consumed about Bush, per se, but am concerned about our great country. I truly believe that many of the things that ail our country are the same that ail our company. It seems to be a societal issue, and is getting worse.

On the other hand, I would like a POTUS that is smarter than me! JMO

 

[moreluck]

I'm A Senior Citizen!


I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh....

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the *initialstate of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 50?

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.

I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life.

 

[susiedriver]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

[moreluck]

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings

There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Invitations would read as follows:

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B

 

[moreluck]

Did You Ever Wonder?.......

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

[moreluck]

You must try this--it's amazing and takes only seconds.


How smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind -- and you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.



1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.



2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.



I told you so.....And there's nothing you can do about

 

[wkmac]

Funny susie that you ask me not to assume about you but I never mentioned any names or specifically pointed at any one person. As much media as there is with people poking fun (many of them I enjoy very much too) at Bush I could very well have been making an observation about someone or some other area entirely. Now you assumed I was talking about you.

Not feeling guilty are you?

 

[susiedriver]

wkmac,

You made your statement immediately after I posted the only Bush jokes I've seen on this thread. I wouldn't call that an assumption.


By the way, did your hear Pres. Bush announced his opinion on Roe vs. Wade?

He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans!