Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

THE REDNECK OLYMPICS



10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.

7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.

1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

 

[susiedriver]

Top Ten Signs Your Supreme Court Pick Isn't Qualified

10. Lost 10 grand yesterday in the 'case' of Jets vs. Ravens

9. Spends most of her time trying to fit the gavel into her mouth

8. Her legal mentor: Oliver Wendell Redenbacher

7. Asks courtroom stenographer to, 'Quit that annoying tapping!'

6. Instead of Constitutional law books, consults set of 'Garfield' paperbacks

5. Keeps shouting, 'When does mama get to hang somebody?!'

4. When Scalia walks by, she pretends to cough and says, 'Rogaine'

3. Authored the book: 'I'm Not Qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice'

2. The closest thing to courtroom experience was being an extra on 'Matlock'

1. Glowing letter of recommendation from former FEMA director Michael Brown

--Late Show with David Letterman

 

[moreluck]

"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished died."

-- Ted Kennedy on Hurricane Katrina

"Ditto" -- Mary Jo Kopechne

 

[susiedriver]

The opposite of pro is con
That fact is clearly seen
If progress means move forward
Then what does Congress mean?


RIP Nipsey Russell

 

[moreluck]

DAFFYNITIONS

White Lie: an attempt to color the truth.

Usher: a guy who can really put you in your place.

Taxing: a form of spring-cleaning.

Sunday Night: weak end of the weekend.

Quiet: what home would be without children.

Perfume: chemical warfare.

Mountain Climber: one who wants to take just one more peak.

Landlord: a man who would rather sleep than heat.

Jack: a thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going.

Grapefruit: that to which there is more than meets the eye.

 

[moreluck]

Definitions by Experienced Parents!

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

 

[moreluck]

Vets...

Veterinarians are reiterating their insistence that dog owners need to brush their pet's teeth for better hygiene and a prolonged lifespan, and say if it's not done, serious doggy health problems can arise. In response to the news, Crest has announced three new flavors to help dogs better take to teethbrushing: The new toothpaste includes "Spilled Garbage", "Dead Bird" and "Some Other Dog's Poop".

 

[susiedriver]

The Walking Eagle
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they came to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> it can no longer fly.

 

[moreluck]

THOUGHTS on ADVERTISING

Advertising is the fine art of convincing people that debt is better than frustration.

Advertising helps raise the standard of living by raising the standard of longing.

Advertising transforms a yawn into a yearn.

Advertising must be effective. The other day my son was saying grace and he thanked God for this daily, slow-rising, butter- crusted, vitamin-enriched bread.

One of life's biggest disappointments is discovering that the person who writes the ads for the bank is not the one who makes the loans.

An ad executive's career: Yes sir, No sir, Ulcer.

If you think advertising doesn't work, consider the millions of people who now think that yogurt tastes good. (Joe L. Whitley)

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. (Norman Douglas)

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted. The trouble is, I don't know which half. (John Wanamaker)

WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Is an epitaph an advertisement for a product that's been discontinued?

 

[moreluck]

Top 10 Ways to know if you are using a Redneck's Computer...


10. The monitor is up on little blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.
5. Every password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.
3. There's a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer
is...
1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter."

 

[moreluck]

The Irish Love Their Beer

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

 

[moreluck]

Defendant &amp; Lawyer

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

 

[moreluck]

Golf

Golf is the midlife sport of choice for very different reasons......

First of all, it's esier to reach your goals. In midlife, after all, it's a snap to have a handicap below your age and a score below your weight. And getting easier all the time.

Golf is like midlife because only now do you realize that the course you have set upon is governed by rules so vast, so arcane, and so arbitrary that the average person -- you -- will never figure it all out.

Golf is like midlife because it is absolutely unfair. As a young person, you carry the illusion that, if you do your homework, study, and work overtime you'll get it all right. By middle age, you know that every time you've got it all together -- work, family, putt, pitch -- some piece is about to unravel. I promise you.

Golf, like midlife, is played against only one opponent: yourself. By the time you reach 50, ou'd better figure out that doing well doesn't depend on others doing badly. You don't have to wish them ill. They're not the reason you are shanking the ball.

Golf is like middle age, because -- ah, you knew this was coming -- in these years you really do have to play it as it lays. You don't get to start everything all over again. The most you get is a mulligan. If it's an unplayable lie, everybody sympathizes, but you still have to take a penalty. On the other hand, golf, like midlife, also offers another chance. No matter how badly you hit one ball, you can still recover on the next. Of course, no matter how well you hit one ball, you can always screw up on the next.

Finally, golf is like midlife because at some time on a beautiful October day, when you are searching for a ball, or for that matter your swing, you look around and realize for the first or 50th time that in this game, you're the one keeping your own score.

 

[moreluck]

Did You??

Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?"

"I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"

 

[moreluck]

The Plane

After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them: "Why don't you look at it this way? Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

 

[moreluck]

Why Nagging Doesn't Work

What a Woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up , your
stuff is laying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do the laundry right now!!!!"

What a Man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, balh, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

 

[tuknick]

A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "maroon promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover.

 

[moreluck]

hurricanes

The people who name the hurricanes say that this season there are so many of the storms that they may run out of their pre-selected alphabetical designations. If that happens, the plan is to switch to the Greek alphabet and we'll have Hurricane Alpha, Beta, Gamma, etc.

The folks at Today's Pun say if that happens we will have, of course, "My Big Fat Greek Wetting."

 

[moreluck]

Funny Bumper Stickers...

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

 

[moreluck]

Driving in Wyoming

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.

"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because the black horse don't know diddly about cars".