Heard any good ones?

[wkmac]

No Susie I didn't hear what Bush said about Roe v Wade and to be honest I don't really care because IMO contary to all the hype from both sides I don't think Roe/Wade is going anywhere at all. Both sides hype it for politcal mileage just as they do the gun issue, environmental issue, etc. etc. They have no intention of doing anything positive one way or the other to solve the problem because if they really solved the problems once and for all then what would we need them or their ever expanding bureacracy for? Why would you pay a package car driver to ride around when there are no packages to pick up or deliver? Gov't is a business and business must create new business to thrive and grow so in it's very nature of survival it can't completely and forever solve a problem.

Personally on this issue of abortion it is a private matter and none of my business or anyone else but having said that I also believe it should have never risen to a Federal issue. This is totally a matter of State and local jurisdiction as I do not believe in Federal police powers at all nor did our founding fathers. 14th amendment and subsequent legislation has been used to create this centralized monster in Washington under one of the worse forms of societal organizations and that is democracy. Ironic how you loved the lynch mob when you were a part of the lynching party and felt empowered but the political winds have changed and now you find yourself at the end of the rope. Majority rules is a wonderful thing and force is double sweet when backed by the majority but the real danger to this process is when one finds themselves a minority and thus the will of majority is harmful and even sometimes deadly to the minority person.

If we don't pull back from the abyss and begin to recognize the individual as such and that many things are just off limits period then we are doomed to not only destroy ourselves but it's just a natural extension to once we've centralized and regulated ourselves to want to reach out to others in other communities (read foreign expansion here)and do it to them unless we dare see them as maybe having more freedoms and begin to wake up. Soemtimes this is done as a cost effective move as like any business good results for the lowest cost is always the best way. I happen for example to believe this mainly is the reason the Iraq war took place but like the simpletons we are, Washington was never able to really tell us the truth. Neither political side will as the game must be played. The raw truth in this would to quote Jack Nicholson's character in a movie (can't remember the name) with Tom Cruise where he shouted, "You can't handle the truth!" That is the American society in a nutshell IMO.

Remember, if you are gonna insist the federal gov't grant oversight on one health isssue such as abortion for example then by legal presidence which they are taking, you also grant them the power of oversight in other areas of health such as war on drugs (both physical and mental) and war on porn (mental). Naturally, this in time would include foreign threats that may threaten the internal peace so these have to be addressed as well.

Gov't is like an unrulely child. Give them an inch and they will take hundreds of miles and there's no stopping them. Always remember that now with the centralized collective powers in Washington you may from time to time have people running the show that will do things contary to what you believe is right and my even violate the basis of your unalienable rights but hey, you wanted democracy so be happy you've got it!

Moreluck,
Sorry about imposing on this thread of humor with stuff like this. My last post of this nature here out of respect for you.

 

[susiedriver]

Wkmac,

It was a joke, you know, Ro(e)w vs. Wade.

 

[moreluck]

Vanity Plates....

Plate: NOMODO Meaning: No More Dough, on a Veerrrry expensive car

Plate: PP DR Meaning: This plate belongs to a urologist in the Detroit area

Plate: PULN GS Meaning: Pulling Gs, on a 300ZX

Plate: TOOLONG Meaning: On a Lincoln super long limo owned by Super Limousine Seattle, WA

Plate: W8N4FRI Meaning: Waitin' for Friday...join the club!

Plate: XITHWY1 Meaning: Exit Highway 1. a trucker's plate, Highway 1 was old CB slang for trucker heaven

Plate: XKWIZIT Meaning: Exquisite, on a '56 speedster

Plate: ZMEGOBYU Meaning: See me go by you!

Plate: CME4AD8 Meaning: See me for a date

Plate: CME4DK Meaning: See me for decay, on a dentist's car

 

[moreluck]

Church Newsletter

On the church newsletter were these instructions - Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply. If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor. If it turns blue see your dentist. If it turns red see your bank manager. If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately. If, however, it does not change color then there is nothing wrong with you, and there is 'no' reason why you shouldn't be in church next week.

 

[wkmac]

I thought Bush was clear that there would be no row or wade and that all that stayed behind would swim!

As for Vanity tags I saw one that said KIS-IT and no I did not dare ask what was to be kissed. I was afraid I might get an answer.

 

[moreluck]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother .
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1.! He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
AMEN

 

[moreluck]

Side Effects

As a respiratory technician in a hospital, I administer a medication that sometimes has side effects -- increased heart rate and a trembling sensation-that I describe to patients as "similar to too much cappuccino."

But one young woman said: "Not cappuccino. More like a cute guy just walked into the room." I laughed, thinking that I must be getting old.

I told another patient who received the medicine how I and the younger woman had described the sensation. But the older woman differed.

In her opinion, it wasn't cappuccino or a young man. It was more like when her grandchildren arrived at her front door.

 

[wkmac]

Saw another vanity tag yesterday that said NICERN and I'm assuming the RN meant registered nurse. If the babe behind the wheel was the nurse then getting sick and playing doctor with her would be a healing experience!

 

[moreluck]

WKMAC ..... maybe it was redneck talk for "NicerN" a old coon dog laying on the front porch

 

[moreluck]

Hospital Bill

Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father.
"Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."
Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.

 

[moreluck]

You Don't Need A Man!


If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always ready to go out any time you ask, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content JUST to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, get a dog. (You can always kick him out of the bed and make him sleep in the laundry room if he snores. Try THAT with a man!)

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him, and never says "Why can't you make it like Mom did?" get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without brandishing a lethal weapon, endangering you (and all the neighbors), get a dog.

If you want someone who will do anything to please YOU, get a dog.

If you want someone to bring in your newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes ANYTHING you do, doesn't care how bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, and loves you unconditionally, get a dog.

If you want someone who NEVER touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches teary movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

 

[moreluck]

GETTING OLDER

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she
will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin',ironin', cookin' and cleanin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds
and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything is either dried up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so old (gray, wrinkled, bald, and
nearsighted), they don't recognize you.


Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing
It's great exercise--
like jogging on the inside!

 

[susiedriver]

What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?












Bush had a way out of Vietnam.

 

[moreluck]

Proud Mama


Just after school started, I was asked by my son's teacher to write a note describing my child. Soon I had a letter composed explaining how wonderfully exceptional he was. I read my comments to my husband for his opinion. When I finished, he said: "Sounds good. When do we get him?"

 

[moreluck]

Attention Teachers...A Lesson to Be Learned Here

On the first day of school, a teacher was glancing over the roll when she noticed a number after each student's name, such as 154, 136 or 142.

"Wow! Look at these IQs," she said to herself. "What a terrific class." The teacher promptly determined to work harder with this class than with any other she ever had.

Throughout the year, she came up with innovative lessons that she thought would challenge the students, because she didn't want them to get bored with work that was too easy.

Her plan worked! The class outperformed all the other classes that she taught in the usual way.

Then, during the last quarter of the year, she discovered what those numbers after the students' name really were: their locker numbers.

 

[moreluck]

Marry an Engineer

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers

DOCTORS - Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER - Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN - See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker Etc... - Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER - The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

MINISTER - See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".

 

[moreluck]

Mid-Life Is A Crisis!


Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

 

[moreluck]

Daffy-nitions

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Adultery - The wrong people doing the right thing.

Chivalry - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

Conscience - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

Constipation - To have and to hold.

 

[moreluck]

The Doctor Says...
--- But He REALLY Means...


"Well, what have we here...?"

--- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.



"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

--- I'm stalling for time.



"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

--- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.



"Let me check your medical history."

--- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending anymore time with you.



"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."

--- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is,you're going to pay for it.



"This should be taken care of right away."

--- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.



"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."

--- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.



"Let's see how it develops."

--- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something
that really needs to be cured.



"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

--- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you
for a guinea pig.



"That's quite a nasty looking wound."

--- I think I'm going to throw up.



"This may smart a little."

--- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.



"This should fix you up."

--- The drug company slipped me some big bucks
to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...



"Everything seems to be normal."

--- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.



"I'd like to run some more tests."

--- I can't figure out what's wrong.
Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

 

[moreluck]

just like nature...

THE BUZZARD: If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

THE BAT: The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

THE BUMBLEBEE: A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

PEOPLE: In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumble bee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is...look up.