Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Costume Party

Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.

One wore the top half and one one wore the bottom half. They went as an upper and lower GI.

 

[moreluck]

Sun. School

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."

 

[moreluck]

Man Is Like An Automobile ~ As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

~ The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

~ The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!

~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get anywhere that way.

~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

 

[moreluck]

It's Good to be Woman!

** We got off the Titanic first.
** We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
** Taxis stop for us.
** We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing
** No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
** We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
** If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
** We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
** We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
** We have the ability to dress ourselves.
** We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
** If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
** There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
** We'll never regret piercing our ears.
** We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
** We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

 

[moreluck]

Ripe

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a ripe tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

 

[moreluck]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a
letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the
lamp ost below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara,"
on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's
attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it
up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the
street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door,
insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.


Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?"
she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

 

[moreluck]

Groaner of the Day:

If big boobed women work at Hooters

Where do one legged women work??

I HOP

 

[moreluck]

Ethical Dilemma - Which Would You Do?

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...









This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

 

[moreluck]

Pig misunderstanding....

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

 

[moreluck]

The Barber

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business" and "Becoming more successful".

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

[moreluck]

Debased, Deflowered and Degraded....

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Continuing with that theme:

banker disinterested
blackjack dealer discarded
cabinet member disappointed
"Cannabis Club" owner disjointed
cashier distilled
chemist dissolutioned
C.P.A. discounted
detective dissolved
editor dispelled
electrician discharged
geologist dismantled
Hamlet disdained
hero discouraged
inventor disingenuous
jockey displaced
lawyer distorted
magician disillusioned
map maker disoriented
Marine drill sarge disgruntled
marriage counselor disavowed
mathematician disproven
mathematician disintegrated
medium dispirited
meteorologist disgusted
mixologist disbarred
model disposed
mountain climber disinclined
movie star discredited
Olympic skater disfigured
perfume maker dissented
professional mover dislocated
prospector disclaimed
prostitute delayed
residential developer distracted
rock musician disbanded
Rodney Dangerfield disrespected
saint disgraced
seamstress dispatched
singer discord
steel worker distempered
Supreme Court Justice disrobed
thespian displayed
virologist disinfected
warlock disenchanted
Would not prostitues be "delayed"?

 

[moreluck]

Childhood Quiz

This quiz has been around since we were kids. Remember the answers?


If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried?



How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark?



How many months have 28 days?



How far can a bear walk into the woods?



What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.?



How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have?



A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear?



If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof, will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side?



If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way
will the smoke blow?



On which side of a chicken are the most feathers?


Scroll down to see the answers:















ANSWERS:



You don't bury survivors.


Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did.


All twelve of them.


Half way, then he is walking out of the woods.


Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC.


One (spiraling) on each side.


The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is white.


Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do.


Electric trains don't blow smoke.


The outside.

 

[moreluck]

New Pilot....

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which of his three landings you liked best."

 

[moreluck]

Art Thief

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error...

... He replied: "I 'ad no Monet to buy Degas to make de Van Gogh."...

 

[moreluck]

Git 'er Done .......

There are three ways to get something done:

1. Do it yourself

2. Hire someone to do it

3. Forbid your children to do it.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Burger King's New Meat'Normous Sandwich...

10. "How dangerous is four-digit cholesterol?"

9. "Am I comfortable using the word, 'meat'normous'?"

8. "Do I have $3.49 and a death wish?"

7. "Is that bigger than meat'gantic?"

6. "Does a massive coronary qualify as 'having it my way'?"

5. "Is this gonna spoil my breakfast dessert?"

4. "Should I ask my doctor about Lipitor?"

3. "Why do I have to sign a waiver?"

2. "Can I get it with egg whites?"

1. "Did Cheney like it?"

 

[moreluck]

"I wish the Bourbon Street fortune teller who told me I would be blown by Katrina had been a bit more specific -- I spent a month and several hundred dollars bar-hopping trying to find that chick."

Tidewater Joe

 

[moreluck]

Caddy Advice

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy,
"Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."

 

[moreluck]

Funny Puns....

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

 

[moreluck]

Five Impossible Questions Women Ask....

1. "What are you thinking?

Right answer: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.

Wrong answer: "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking."

2. "Do you love me?"

Right answer: "Yes." or "Yes, dear."

Wrong answer: "I suppose so." or "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"

3. "Do I look fat?"

Right answer: "No, of course not." (After saying, quickly leave the room.)

Wrong answer: "Compared to what?" or "I've seen fatter."

4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

Right answer: "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answer: "Not prettier, just prettier in a different way." or "Yes, but I bet you have a better personality."

5. "What would you do if I died?"

Right answer: "I would be extremely upset. And, no I wouldn't remarry."

Wrong answer: Anything else.