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moreluck
golden ticket member
The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, A-a-a-men!
moreluck
golden ticket member
..... Any woman can have the body of a
21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
---My memory's not as sharp as it used
to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just
eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I've still got it, but nobody wants
to see it.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not
on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
---It's scary when you start making the
same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get
older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat
down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable
exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
---Don't let aging get you down. It's
too hard to get back up.
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing
because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
---My memory's not as sharp as it used
to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just
eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I've still got it, but nobody wants
to see it.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not
on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
---It's scary when you start making the
same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get
older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat
down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable
exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
---Don't let aging get you down. It's
too hard to get back up.
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing
because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
moreluck
golden ticket member
OOPS !
At his grandmother's invitation, my 16-year-old son had his birthday party at her house while she was on vacation. The morning after the party, I called to see how things had gone. He told me some salsa had been spilled on Grandma's new carpet, but he'd cleaned it up and the red stain was gone. As I breathed a sigh of relief, he continued, "Now how do I get the bleach out?"
At his grandmother's invitation, my 16-year-old son had his birthday party at her house while she was on vacation. The morning after the party, I called to see how things had gone. He told me some salsa had been spilled on Grandma's new carpet, but he'd cleaned it up and the red stain was gone. As I breathed a sigh of relief, he continued, "Now how do I get the bleach out?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Math Trick
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this
one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this
one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
moreluck
golden ticket member
KIN ??
Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After awhile the first fellow says to the second, "if'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was
off huntin', an she got pregnant, an had a baby, would that make us
kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally he says, "Well, I don't know about makin' us kin, but it sure
would make us even
Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After awhile the first fellow says to the second, "if'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was
off huntin', an she got pregnant, an had a baby, would that make us
kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally he says, "Well, I don't know about makin' us kin, but it sure
would make us even
moreluck
golden ticket member
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.
The phone rings and a little boy answers...
Boy (whispering) : "Hello."
Caller : "Hello, I was wondering if I could speak to your mother?"
Boy (whispering) : "She's busy."
Caller : "Oh, well then could I speak to your father?"
Boy (whispering) : "He's busy too."
Caller : "Well, is there any adult there I could speak to?"
Boy (whispering) : "The police are here."
Caller : "Goodness, could I speak to one of the officers?"
Boy (whispering) : "They're busy."
Caller : "There must be somebody there I could speak to?"
Boy (whispering) : "The firemen are here."
Caller : "Son, please let me speak to one of the firemen."
Boy (whispering) : "They're all busy."
Caller : "Look, I think I really should speak to somebody,
what is everybody doing that's making them so busy."
Boy (whispering) : "They're looking for me."
***Dust to Dust***
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.
The phone rings and a little boy answers...
Boy (whispering) : "Hello."
Caller : "Hello, I was wondering if I could speak to your mother?"
Boy (whispering) : "She's busy."
Caller : "Oh, well then could I speak to your father?"
Boy (whispering) : "He's busy too."
Caller : "Well, is there any adult there I could speak to?"
Boy (whispering) : "The police are here."
Caller : "Goodness, could I speak to one of the officers?"
Boy (whispering) : "They're busy."
Caller : "There must be somebody there I could speak to?"
Boy (whispering) : "The firemen are here."
Caller : "Son, please let me speak to one of the firemen."
Boy (whispering) : "They're all busy."
Caller : "Look, I think I really should speak to somebody,
what is everybody doing that's making them so busy."
Boy (whispering) : "They're looking for me."
***Dust to Dust***
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
"Top 10 Reasons To Have a Happy New Year"
10. No more TV Holiday specials.
9. Okay to wear funny hats.
8. All visiting relatives go home!
7. Mall Santas are history.
6. Finally get to dump the dried up Christmas tree.
5. Only three more months till Spring.
4. Get to return bad Christmas gifts.
3. Leftover turkey finally gone.
2. Football season almost over.
And the number one reason to have a Happy New Year...
1. You're still here!
10. No more TV Holiday specials.
9. Okay to wear funny hats.
8. All visiting relatives go home!
7. Mall Santas are history.
6. Finally get to dump the dried up Christmas tree.
5. Only three more months till Spring.
4. Get to return bad Christmas gifts.
3. Leftover turkey finally gone.
2. Football season almost over.
And the number one reason to have a Happy New Year...
1. You're still here!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Twelve Reasons You Are Glad You Burned The Turkey....
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
moreluck
golden ticket member
CRABBY WIFE !!
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,
"Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"
The trooper continued,
"When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6
good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,
"Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"
The trooper continued,
"When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6
good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "
moreluck
golden ticket member
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
This New Year, I am giving you a DAILY SURVIVAL KIT, to help thru 2006:
Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.
Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.
Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.
Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.
Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings.
This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day Wishing you 365 days of love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, warm feelings in your heart and soaring with the eagles.
Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.
Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.
Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.
Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.
Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings.
This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day Wishing you 365 days of love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, warm feelings in your heart and soaring with the eagles.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers....
~Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
~How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
~I'm an imbecile and I vote
~Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
~If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
~100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
~Grow your own dope, plant a man
~All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
~Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
~I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
~Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
~All men are idiots...I married their king.
~Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs
~Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it
~We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
~Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
~How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
~I'm an imbecile and I vote
~Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
~If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
~100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
~Grow your own dope, plant a man
~All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
~Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
~I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
~Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
~All men are idiots...I married their king.
~Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs
~Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it
~We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Sexist...
All the old sexist arguments against a woman president have been shot down by ironically, men. Women are ruled by their biology? For crying-out-loud a red-assed monkey at the zoo is in more control of his impulses than three-quarters of Congress. Women are too shallow, too concerned with frilly fashions and feminine makeup? Yes, I suppose those are traits best left out of the Oval Office, because they're much more suited to the head of the FBI.
All the old sexist arguments against a woman president have been shot down by ironically, men. Women are ruled by their biology? For crying-out-loud a red-assed monkey at the zoo is in more control of his impulses than three-quarters of Congress. Women are too shallow, too concerned with frilly fashions and feminine makeup? Yes, I suppose those are traits best left out of the Oval Office, because they're much more suited to the head of the FBI.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Corruption Trial
[FONT=Verdana,]At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]The witness still did not respond. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]The witness still did not respond. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."[/FONT]
moreluck
golden ticket member
UPS Customer Svc.
I called UPS about an insurance claim I had filed on a package. I knew the automated voice response system wouldn't be able to handle this issue so I immediately said, "customer service." It did a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and then insisted that I first pick from its menu, none of which items bore any resemblance to insurance claims. I tried "track a package." It recited the status, followed by "Can I help you with anything else?" I said, more insistently, "customer service," at which it complained that that was the most recent shipping information. Exasperated--but a bit curious--I said, "Damn you," and after the little computing noise, it swiftly transferred me to customer service.
I called UPS about an insurance claim I had filed on a package. I knew the automated voice response system wouldn't be able to handle this issue so I immediately said, "customer service." It did a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and then insisted that I first pick from its menu, none of which items bore any resemblance to insurance claims. I tried "track a package." It recited the status, followed by "Can I help you with anything else?" I said, more insistently, "customer service," at which it complained that that was the most recent shipping information. Exasperated--but a bit curious--I said, "Damn you," and after the little computing noise, it swiftly transferred me to customer service.
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