Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

HOW'S BUSINESS?

Here are some likely responses to the above question by various tradesmen.

Said the sailor: Knot bad.

Said the coffee salesman: It's a grind.

Said the drummer: It's hard to beat.

Said the astronomer: Things are looking up.

Said the dressmaker: Just sew-sew.

Said the street cleaner: Things are picking up.

Said the pianist: Right on key.

Said the botanist: Everything's coming up roses.

Said the floor polisher: Going smoothly.

Said the deep-sea diver: I'm about to go under.

 

[moreluck]

Hot Nipples
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

 

[moreluck]

Feeling Guilty
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[moreluck]

TEXAS WISDOM
​

1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
2. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
9. Don't squat with your spurs on.
10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

 

[moreluck]

CHICAGO​

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked, "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck

 

[moreluck]

Post Office ....

With only one clerk working the window at my local post office, the line was moving quite slowly. As I waited, I began to fill out my check to speed things up when I reached the counter. Unsure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

"It's the fifth," she replied.

From the back of the line, a man suggested, "Oh, I wouldn't write the date in just yet."

 

[moreluck]

BALLOONING​

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air," he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland," he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed.
"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up and said, "My watch is missing."

 

[moreluck]

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

Constipated People Don't Give A ****.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

 

[moreluck]

Words Banned For 2006 .......

Lake Superior State University has once again issued its list of words and phrases that should be banned from the English language. for 2006 ... here are some...

HUNKER DOWN – To brace oneself, in anticipation of media onslaught. Trotted out in reports about everything from politics to hurricanes.

PERSON OF INTEREST – Found within the context of legal commentary, but seldom encountered at cocktail parties. “People with guns want to talk with you.”

BREAKING NEWS – Once it stopped presses. Now it's a lower- intestinal condition brought about by eating dinner during newscasts. “Now they have to interrupt my supper to tell me that Katie Holmes is pregnant.”

DESIGNER BREED – Many nominators consider this a bastardization of dog breeding. It may be a good line to use on angry neighbors when an un-neutered dog escapes. “When you mate a miniature schnauzer to a toy poodle, it's not a ‘Schnoodle,' it's a mongrel..."

FEMA – Dedicated to the memory of a great federal agency consigned to the ash heap of parody. “If they don't do anything, we don't need their acronym.”

PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! – Shouldn't this really read "pass the markup along to you?"

97% FAT FREE – Enough with the delusions. They're saying it still has 3% fat. Get over it.

GIT-ER-DONE – (Any of its variations) It's overdone. “There's no escaping it. “Please tell me when we're done with this one.”

HOLIDAY TREE – Many salvoes were fired during this past season's “war on Christmas.” At the risk of jumping into the breach, the committee feels that “Holiday tree” is a silly name for what most folks hold as a Christmas tree, no matter your preference of religion.

 

[moreluck]

Avid Golfer

My husband is an avid golfer and likes to practice his golf swing on our lawn. Often, during the summer, he breaks a window or two. "Oh well" we always say, "at least it was our own window." And we have the glass replaced. One year, when he was having trouble with his swing, he broke a grand total of four windows. The following spring, a parcel arrived addressed to him. It was a box of a dozen golf balls and the enclosed note read. "Have a good season. From Mike, your Window Guy."

 

[moreluck]

MORE BUMPER STICKERS......

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong..

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

 

[moreluck]

Bad Japanese economy

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

 

[moreluck]

Something Fishy Here....

To be successful at fishing you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting!

Fisherman: A sportsman who first lies in wait for a fish, and then lies in weight after catching it!

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught!

Then there are those times when you can swear you've got a fish, but all you've caught is weeds!

Fishing stimulates the brain - also, The imagination.

The typical fisherman is long on optimism and short on memory.

 

[moreluck]

If you cross a zebra with a chicken, will you get an egg with a bar code?

 

[moreluck]

Shock & Awe

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.

When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"

 

[moreluck]

NEW YORK CITY PEDESTRIAN TIPS​

- The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
- Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
- Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
- John Gotti always has the right of way.
- Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
- Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
- It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline
- Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers
- If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
- If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.

 

[moreluck]

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN...
​

* The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
* The local phone book has only one yellow page.
* Third Street is on the edge of town.
* You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
* You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
* No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
* You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
* Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
* The city limits signs are both on the same post!
* The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
* The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
* The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2.
* The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
* The phone book has only one page.
* There's nothing doing every minute.
* The ZIP code is a fraction.
* Second Street is in the next town over.
* There's no place to go that you shouldn't.
* A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
* The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
* The New Year's baby was born in October.

 

[moreluck]

Thankyou ......

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.

- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we- never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero- transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

 

[moreluck]

"Rules Of Bureaucracy"

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

 

[moreluck]

Postman....

I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."

Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."