Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Things that make me cringe! .........


The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.


When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?


When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?


People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the friend&*kin ceiling up there! What did you come here for?

BIG hair


People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?


When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.


When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know , you fu&$ing pulled me over!

 

[moreluck]

Cattle Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None survived the branding."

 

[moreluck]

Weight......

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon?"

"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers!"

 

[moreluck]

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was
stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did
not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no
room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your
sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk
stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you
know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary
in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a
manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

 

[moreluck]

The Why's of Men....

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happens)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart......Then you are just an old sour fart.

 

[moreluck]

Travel Destinations.....

Artists go to: Painted Desert, Arizona

Athletes go to: Olympia Heights, Florida

Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana

College Professors: University City, Missouri

Ecologists: Green Bay, Wisconsin

Firefighters: Smokey Mountains

Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California

Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia

Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas

Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama

Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania

Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii

Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan

Lawyers: Accident, Maryland

Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska

Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California

Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York

Optometrists: Plainview, New York

Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Pianists: Florida Keys

Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah

Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas

Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky

Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado

Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland

Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia

Sailors: Marina, California

Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa

Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey

TV Evangelists: Paradise, California

 

[moreluck]

At The Motherhouse

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said
the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company
spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually
use is 'ing shovel'".

 

[moreluck]

One Liners.....

A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.

Sermons and biscuits are improved by shortening.

If your parachute doesn't open up for you, you've obviously jumped to a conclusion.

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research.

Sign in a travel agency window: "Please go away."

Hummingbirds have forgotten the words.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

 

[moreluck]

Dr. & Nurse

A general practioner and a nurse were on the train, going to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow. "I wonder what's the matter with him?" said the nurse.

"He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "And, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorrhoids."

"Well, why is he scratching there then?"

"Oh, he's a politician. He doesn't know his ass from his elbow."

 

[moreluck]

I Want It....

The big new SUV had just gone on sale, and John just had to have one.

He went to the dealership and looked at the behemoth. It weighed two tons, had 500 horsepower and the options included a ten-speaker satellite radio, video, GPS navigation and every other option one can imagine. He turned to the salesman and said, "I want it! How much?"

The salesman said, "I'm sorry, but this one has been sold and demand is so strong that we won't be able to get one for several months. But if you give me a deposit, I can guarantee delivery on June 1, 2006.

"So I can pick up the car on June 1, 2006. Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon?"

The surprised salesman replied, "What difference does it make?"

"Well, the cable guy is coming that day."

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're A Mother When...

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You have time to shave only one leg at a time. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You hide in the bathroom to be alone. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Your kid throws-up and you catch it.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything". [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

The Rabbis...

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I
knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to
show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a
bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning
slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by
natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth
shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S
RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

 

[donk]

Warning!!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and

it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail

list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on

deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your
arms up, DON'T DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.


I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel like such an idiot.

 

[moreluck]

Cow From Illinois
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

 

[moreluck]

Eccentric Professor
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

 

[moreluck]

Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

 

[moreluck]

Pig Breeding
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn

 

[moreluck]

Stress-Relieving Prayer

Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.

 

[moreluck]

Growing Up In The 80's...

Dear Kids of America:

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of **** like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it. But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! Compared to my childhood, you live in a freaking Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napster! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square and in order to have any fun you had to rely on your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept on getting harder and faster until you died! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were out of luck. And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no on screen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Did you hear what I said you lazy little freaks? We had to wait all week for cartoons! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! .....But I don't want to lecture you.​

 

[msswing]

I locked my keys in my car today....1