Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

PRODUCTS WE COULD DO WITHOUT............

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough. (They also have glow in the dark bands just in case having your underwear stand out under a black light isn't enough for you)

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs

 

[moreluck]

In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the income tax
forms than it does to earn the income in the first place. <BIG>So if the world is truly getting "smaller", how come the
US Postal rates keep going up ?
All politicians claim they know what it was like to be poor.
OK, fine, but why do they insist on the rest of us learning too
In the US, there are several ways to become rich: inherit a lot
of money, invent/develop, win the lottery or sue somebody
Hospitals still have private and semi-private accommodations.
If you have an HMO though, semi-private means two to a bed
Strange how people who don't even know their neighbors, are
extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life

 

[moreluck]

Morris was at his usual place sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of smarts and common sense.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face.

"I'll never understand why the biggest bozos get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

 

[moreluck]

Goldwyn Goodies

Americans have their own M.C., or Master of Confusion. His name is Sam Goldwyn (1882-1974), a hot-headed movie producer whose verbal blunders have passed into legend.

Include me out.

I can answer your request in two words: Im-possible.

I'll give you a definite maybe.

Don't talk to me when I'm interrupting.

I never liked you, and I always will.

This new atom bomb is dynamite!

I don't pay any attention to him. I don't even ignore him.

Our comedies are not be laughed at.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined

 

[moreluck]

The Biggest Lies.....

The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you
You get this one, I'll pay next time
My wife doesn't understand me
Trust me, I'll take care of everything
Of course I love you
I am getting a divorce
Drinking? Why, no, Officer
I never inhaled
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing
I never watch television except for PBS
...but we can still be good friends
She means nothing to me
Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty"
I gave at the office
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone
I'll call you later
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year
Read my lips: no new taxes
I've never done anything like this before
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
It's supposed to make that noise
I *love* your new hat/haircut/dress/suit...

 

[moreluck]

I'm a Senior Citizen
I'm the life of the party .......... even when it lasts 'til 8 PM.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid,.....
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm not grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies
I'm walking more....to the bathroom.
I'm in the "initial" state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP....
I'm anti-everything now; anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory
I'm supporting all movements now by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom.

I'm a senior citizen and I think I'm having the time of my life.

 

[moreluck]

Work Boots.....

Finished trying on a number of pairs of work boots at the shoe store, my husband made his selection. He sorted the ones on the floor, repacked them in their boxes and then bought the ones he'd chosen. A month later he took them out for the first time, only to discover he had two left boots. When he went back to the store, the clerk beamed. "We've been waiting for you!"

 

[moreluck]

<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; CURSOR: auto; PADDING-TOP: 0px; rem_PADDING-LEFT: 0px" vAlign=top width="100%">Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
</TD></TR><TR><TD id=INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"></TD><TD id=INCREDISOUND vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD><TD id=INCREDIANIM vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Unregistered]

Ten things to say about gifts that you don't like

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like....

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

 

[moreluck]

He Said, She Said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you have succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a maroon than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

 

[moreluck]

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits." <FORM name=compose action=/platinum/magiccard.cgi method=post> </FORM>

 

[moreluck]

Quickie Animal Jokes.......

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender? Rhesus Pieces.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P.

What is brown and sits in the forest? Winnie's poo.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.

What does an elephant use for a Tampon? A sheep!

How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's kilt? Depends how long the perch is.

A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of crap. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"

How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard? The trash can liner bags are missing.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam."

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

What sound does a Horny Toad make? RUB IT, RUB IT..

What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs? Sparky.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Why do hens lay eggs? If they dropped them, they'd break.

 

[moreluck]

Cultural Comparisons.....

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.


Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.


Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.


Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

 

[moreluck]

Some Thoughts.....

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice:The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL?"

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong,you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

 

[moreluck]

Cat Commandments......

Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.

 

[moreluck]

Some Office Wisdom.....

Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some jerk with a torch, bringing me more work.

~David Brent~

 

[moreluck]

How Come??

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

 

[moreluck]

And from George Carlin...


If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?
Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?
If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?
If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?
If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?
Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?
Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?
Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

 

[moreluck]

Men Are Like......


Place-Mats: they only show up when there's food on the table.

Mascara: they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Bike Helmets: handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Government Bonds: they take so long to mature.

Copiers: you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Lava Lamps: fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Bank Accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

High Heels: they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Curling Irons: they're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they're usually wrong.

Plungers: They spend most of their time in a hardware store or the bathroom.

 

[moreluck]

The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed