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moreluck
golden ticket member
Movers.......
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us. The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description:
"Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us. The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description:
"Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
moreluck
golden ticket member
First Time For The Redneck
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."
"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."
"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Overlooked Blessings......
The haven of a comforting shoulder to cry on; the warming embrace of a loved one.
Pampering yourself.
Listening to the whispers of your authentic self and taking your own advice.
The generosity and hospitality of good neighbors.
Finding a lost pet.
Rediscovering old family photos.
The intimate bond of friendship that protects, nurtures, inspires and comforts.
The man or woman in your life who is neither a past or present love but simply a precious friend who adores you.
Waking up to a perfectly beautiful day for a planned outdoor event.
Working with people you enjoy being around.
An opportunity to interview for the dream job. Getting it.
Receiving the perfect gift. Finding one for someone else.
Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and delighting in what you see.
Having your child appreciate your sense of humor.
An unexpected compliment that makes your day.
Completing the crossword puzzle without help.
Looking fabulous at your class reunion.
Listening to the oldies and recalling happy moments.
Paying off your credit card balance.
Coming up with the perfect retort at the moment you need it and not two hours later.
Friends and family who can both truly rejoice with you and console you in times of sorrow.
The haven of a comforting shoulder to cry on; the warming embrace of a loved one.
Pampering yourself.
Listening to the whispers of your authentic self and taking your own advice.
The generosity and hospitality of good neighbors.
Finding a lost pet.
Rediscovering old family photos.
The intimate bond of friendship that protects, nurtures, inspires and comforts.
The man or woman in your life who is neither a past or present love but simply a precious friend who adores you.
Waking up to a perfectly beautiful day for a planned outdoor event.
Working with people you enjoy being around.
An opportunity to interview for the dream job. Getting it.
Receiving the perfect gift. Finding one for someone else.
Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and delighting in what you see.
Having your child appreciate your sense of humor.
An unexpected compliment that makes your day.
Completing the crossword puzzle without help.
Looking fabulous at your class reunion.
Listening to the oldies and recalling happy moments.
Paying off your credit card balance.
Coming up with the perfect retort at the moment you need it and not two hours later.
Friends and family who can both truly rejoice with you and console you in times of sorrow.
moreluck
golden ticket member
What Day Is This?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Serious Problem .....
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress."
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television."
"And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress."
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television."
"And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Come on Down The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Office Talk
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um ...friend."
BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um ...friend."
BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Deception .......
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Kids say the darndest things....
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
Di (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
Di (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
BUBBA......
Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia.
To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
[SIZE=+0][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+0]He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+0][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+0]Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
[/SIZE]
Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia.
To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
[SIZE=+0][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+0]He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+0][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+0]Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
[/SIZE]
moreluck
golden ticket member
HINDU WOMEN LOTTERY
FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP...
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband
scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
Just thought you would like to know.
FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP...
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband
scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
Just thought you would like to know.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Athletic Observations
INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION...
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become .
INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION...
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become .
moreluck
golden ticket member
Kids in Church....
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on
and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on
and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bayou Boat For Sale??
Sonnier was going for his morning walk in the Louisiana bayou one day when he walked past his friend, Breaux's trailer house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sonnier because he knew that old Breaux didn't even own a boat, so he decided to go in and ask about it. "Hey Breaux," said Sonnier, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but you don even have a boat. All you have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Breaux calmly replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
Sonnier was going for his morning walk in the Louisiana bayou one day when he walked past his friend, Breaux's trailer house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sonnier because he knew that old Breaux didn't even own a boat, so he decided to go in and ask about it. "Hey Breaux," said Sonnier, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but you don even have a boat. All you have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Breaux calmly replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Kids & Church....
The Flight to Egypt," was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms.
Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's
the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do
you say prayers before eating?" No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
The Flight to Egypt," was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms.
Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's
the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do
you say prayers before eating?" No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Big Bottomed Marraige Woes
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ''Hey, honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now.''
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill, and then measured his wife's butt. ''Yes,'' he said, ''just what I thought, just about the same size.'' The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening, when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little action?'' the wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
''What's the matter?'' he asked
To which she replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?''
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