- Status
moreluck
golden ticket member
Security.....
When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it.
One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."
When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it.
One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."
moreluck
golden ticket member
The New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for: ( please initial all that apply )
_________ a pizza
_________ a beer
_________ a steak
_________ a kiss
_________ coffee or a latte
_________ the remote control
_________ a bowl of ice cream
_________ chocolate
_________ cookies
_________ sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes,and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own sweet business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Signature:___________________ Date: ________________________
Witness:_____________________ Witness:_______________________
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for: ( please initial all that apply )
_________ a pizza
_________ a beer
_________ a steak
_________ a kiss
_________ coffee or a latte
_________ the remote control
_________ a bowl of ice cream
_________ chocolate
_________ cookies
_________ sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes,and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own sweet business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Signature:___________________ Date: ________________________
Witness:_____________________ Witness:_______________________
moreluck
golden ticket member
Frost:
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache." [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache." [/FONT]
moreluck
golden ticket member
Disney's Desperate Housewives . . .
Beauty: "My husband is such an animal!"
Cinderella: "Mine still drives a pumpkin."
Snow White: "Mine leaves me at home with seven little ones."
Ariel: "Mine wants me to wear fishnet stockings."
Sleeping Beauty: "I just pretend I'm asleep."
Beauty: "My husband is such an animal!"
Cinderella: "Mine still drives a pumpkin."
Snow White: "Mine leaves me at home with seven little ones."
Ariel: "Mine wants me to wear fishnet stockings."
Sleeping Beauty: "I just pretend I'm asleep."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Public Service Message For Women......
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." Then, we will drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, such as milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (friend.Y.I. guys, cumin is a spice.)
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you get her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." Then, we will drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, such as milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (friend.Y.I. guys, cumin is a spice.)
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you get her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Englishman and an American....
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Breach of Contract.....
A Texas oil magnate stormed into his lawyer's office demanding that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?" the lawyer inquired.
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil magnate.
"I don't know if that will fly," the lawyer replied. "Your wife isn't a piece of property. You don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon snarled, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
A Texas oil magnate stormed into his lawyer's office demanding that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?" the lawyer inquired.
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil magnate.
"I don't know if that will fly," the lawyer replied. "Your wife isn't a piece of property. You don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon snarled, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Trip To The Zoo.....
Two elderly ladies are walking through a zoo and come across the gorillas. After several minutes, they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The ladies are fascinated by this. Finally, one of the women just can't bear it any longer so she reaches into the cage to touch it.
Suddenly, the gorilla grabs her, drags her into the cage and mates with her for six hours non-stop! When he's done, the gorilla throws the woman back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the woman is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, her friend visits her and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"Am I hurt?" replies the woman. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."
Two elderly ladies are walking through a zoo and come across the gorillas. After several minutes, they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The ladies are fascinated by this. Finally, one of the women just can't bear it any longer so she reaches into the cage to touch it.
Suddenly, the gorilla grabs her, drags her into the cage and mates with her for six hours non-stop! When he's done, the gorilla throws the woman back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the woman is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, her friend visits her and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"Am I hurt?" replies the woman. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A blond goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
Lunch.?"
But the blond keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that
as a prize.
The blond says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
*W I N A B A G E L*
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
Lunch.?"
But the blond keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that
as a prize.
The blond says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
*W I N A B A G E L*
moreluck
golden ticket member
Marketing Ploys....
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
-That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your body lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
-That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.
-That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of the house in the middle and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-That's Junk Mail.
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
-That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your body lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
-That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.
-That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of the house in the middle and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-That's Junk Mail.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Age is a Funny Thing...
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]<STORY>Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five! [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!! [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........ [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!! [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]<STORY>Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five! [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!! [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........ [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!! [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. [/FONT]
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Procrastinator's Creed.....
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
http://browncafe.com/forum/3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
http://browncafe.com/forum/3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bob Stoops Goes to Heaven
Three college football coaches were flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds.
God wanted to know three things: "Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?"
The first coach said, "I'm Joe Paterno. I coached Penn State from 1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl victories, 2 national championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times. The people of Pennsylvania think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Joe, stand at my right side."
The next person said, "I'm Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State University from 1980 to 2000. I had a .816 win percentage, played in 14 bowl games without a loss and won a national championship after beating Nebraska. The people of Florida think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Bobby, stand at my left side."
The third coach stood before God and said, "I'm Bob Stoops. I took over a storied Oklahoma program that had won 6 national championships and held many NCAA records but had fallen to the lowest of the low. In the 3 years prior to me taking over the Sooners they went 3-8 (worst season in 102 years of football), 4-8, and 5-6, beating Texas only once and not beating Colorado or Nebraska, not to mention losing to OSU. I coached the Sooners for a season and a half, going 7-5 in my first year beating a top-15 Texas A&M with my unranked team and taking the Sooners to a bowl game. 7 games into my second season we were undefeated and I took the Sooners to #1 in the AP poll, Coaches poll, and BCS poll. We beat #10 Texas 63-14, #2 Kansas State in Manhattan 41-31, and #1 Nebraska 31-14. Our quarterback was the frontrunner for the Heisman trophy, we were in the driver's seat for the national championship, and the people of Oklahoma think you are sitting in my chair."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Is This Pig?
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.
He was served a piece of meat, and as he picked it up with his fork, he held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "To which end of the fork are you referring....?"
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.
He was served a piece of meat, and as he picked it up with his fork, he held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "To which end of the fork are you referring....?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
FLAT TIRE....
There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He
pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the
hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one
bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never
did understand it neither."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He
pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the
hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one
bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never
did understand it neither."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
moreluck
golden ticket member
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!!
PARENT - Job Description
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $20. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
PARENT - Job Description
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $20. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bad News / Terrible News.....
Rodney sat in his attorney's office.
'Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?' asked the lawyer.
'Give me the bad news first.'
'Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.''
'That's the bad news?' asked Rodney incredulously. 'I can't wait to hear the terrible news.'
'It's of you and your mistress.'
Rodney sat in his attorney's office.
'Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?' asked the lawyer.
'Give me the bad news first.'
'Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.''
'That's the bad news?' asked Rodney incredulously. 'I can't wait to hear the terrible news.'
'It's of you and your mistress.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
Sad Times....
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, 'You look terrible. What's the problem?' 'My mother died in June,' he said, 'and left me $10,000.' 'Gee, that's tough,' he replied. 'Then in July,' the friend continued, 'My father died, leaving me $50,000.' 'Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.' 'And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.' 'Three close family members lost in three months? How sad!'
"Then this month..." continued the friend, "nothing! Not a single dime!"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, 'You look terrible. What's the problem?' 'My mother died in June,' he said, 'and left me $10,000.' 'Gee, that's tough,' he replied. 'Then in July,' the friend continued, 'My father died, leaving me $50,000.' 'Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.' 'And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.' 'Three close family members lost in three months? How sad!'
"Then this month..." continued the friend, "nothing! Not a single dime!"
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