Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Sensitive man

> A woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in
the bar of a
> highly-regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect,
and they end up leaving
> together.
>
> They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her
around she notices that
> his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears. Three
> wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and
hundreds of the little
> buggers...carefully placed in rows covering the
entire wall!
>
> It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to
lovingly arrange them and
> she was immediately touched by the amount of thought
he had put into
> organizing this very un-macho display.
>
> There were small bears all along the bottom shelf;
medium-sized covering the
> entire length of the middle shelf; and huge,
enormous bears running all the
> way all along the top shelf. Quite the display!
>
> She found it strange for a man (who was clearly
straight) to have such a
> large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention
it out loud, being
> really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive
side. All the while thinking
> to herself, Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the
one - maybe he could be
> the father my children!"
>
> She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they
rip each other's clothes
> off and make hot, steamy love.
>
> After an intense, explosive night of raw passion
with this wonderful,
> sensitive guy - lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over
> towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest
and asks coyly, "So? How
> was it?"
>
> The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the
bottom shelf."

 

[moreluck]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CHURCH IS AT THE FRONT OF THE TECHNOLOGY CURVE

10. Your pastor podcasts his sermons.

9. Your custodian has been replaced by a Roomba robot vacuum.

8. There are personal video monitors in every pew.

7. Every child in the nursery and Sunday School has been tagged with a GPS device so no one ever gets lost.

6. Your youth pastors make all the teenagers use 24-hour webcams to prevent backsliding.

5. For the offering, your church accepts VISA, MasterCard, and PayPal.

4. The communion wafers are loaded with nanotechnology that wipe out sinful thoughts.

3. Both your choir and worship band are one guy with a synthesizer, a sequencer, and a vocal harmonizer.

2. No one actually attends anymore. Everyone worships together in an online chat room.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR CHURCH IS AT THE FRONT OF THE TECHNOLOGY CURVE?

1. Your pastor has been replaced with an iGod.

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're Rich When...

the words "On Sale" no longer attract your interest, unless they're referring to a country.

you forbid your children to shop anywhere without valet parking.

being frugal means buying "one" diamond bracelet instead of two.

you have people. As in, "I'll have my people call your people."

your hardest decision all day is whether to put marble or hardwood floors in your child's tree house.

your children play MonopolyR with real money.

 

[moreluck]

Finish Paving

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."

 

[moreluck]

EARTHQUAKE SAFETY

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now!

A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.

If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.

 

[moreluck]

Say Your Prayers...

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless
Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this
was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather
died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's
prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day,
the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the
situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless
Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart
attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early
and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after
midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with
his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."
"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on
the porch this morning!"

 

[mattwtrs]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 5,000-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Louisana, Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas troopers will be deployed into Irag and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music and Jesus.
5. They were DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Irag will be over by Friday!

 

[moreluck]

A Lifetime of Learning I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".......
--Age 6

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
--Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
--Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
--Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
--Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
--Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
--Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
--Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
--Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
--Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
--Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
--Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
--Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
--Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
--Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
--Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
--Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
--Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
--Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
--Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
--Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
--Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
--Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
--Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
--Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
--Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
--Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.
--Age 75

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
--Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
--Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
--Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
--Ageless.

 

[moreluck]

Want Ad....

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no
arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider
you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, " Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and
said,
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[moreluck]

Professions Defined

• A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
• An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
• A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
• A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
• A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
• A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
• A psychologist is man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
• A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
• A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.
• A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

 

[moreluck]

Love & Sex....

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'

 

[moreluck]

(Dean Martin would roll over in his grave...)

That's Amore? When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie, that's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, and that's not what you planned, that's a moray.

When our habits are strange, and our customs deranged, that's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, and the bales total four, that's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife, that's a Moor, eh?

 

[moreluck]

More Bumper Stickers

• The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.
• Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
• Finally 21 and legally able to do everything I've been doing since 15.
• I'd live up to my potential if it didn't cut into my sitting-around time.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no...
• What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
• I work forty hours a week to be this poor.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths.

 

[moreluck]

Theme Songs for Biblical Characters

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What TV western star was once the highest paid, highest scoring professional lacrosse player in Canadian history?

A: Jay Silverheels - Tonto on "The Lone Ranger."

 

[moreluck]

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

Minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have affair with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

[moreluck]

How You Can Tell When It's REALLY Cold Outside

Your dog tells you that he'll "hold it" until later.

You kick your car because it doesn't start, and the car shatters.

Your nose isn't runny, but only because your snot is frozen.

Joggers keep getting stuck to the sidewalk.

Snowball throwing constitutes 'Assault with a Deadly Weapon' charges.

The fire department has an "Emergency Tongue Release" line.

The paperboy scans the newspaper onto his computer and just sends you an e-mail.

Your breath crystallizes in front of you, and pokes you when you walk into it.

 

[moreluck]

Kids in church ....

During our children's sermon one Sunday, our pastor told the kids, "We have been learning about how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But there is a higher power ... can anyone tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 

[moreluck]

Womanizer ...

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."

"So stop!" the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"

 

[moreluck]

DAFFYNITIONS:

MYTH: A female moth.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.