Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Woman at Welfare ........

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are
all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a
thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children
rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be
here to sign up. I! 'll need all your children's names." "This one's my
oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is
Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by
one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the
caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern her e. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their
Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' ! An' when it's
time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An'
if I ne
ed to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy'
and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all
Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

 

[moreluck]

Kids.....

"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.

Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."

Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"

 

[moreluck]

Today's Hits As they and their fans age, some bands and singers are releasing updated versions of their old hits.

Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon -- "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA -- "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles -- "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

 

[moreluck]

A salesman from Verizon telephoned a household, and a four-year- old answered..."May I speak to your mother?" asked the telemarketer.

"She is not here," answered the boy.

"Well," continued the man, "is anyone else there?"

"My sister," said the boy.

"O.K., fine. May I speak to her?" asked the man.

"I guess so," replied the boy.

After a long silence, the boy returned to the phone and said, "Hello?"

The salesman said, "It's you. I thought you went to get your sister."

"I did!" exclaimed the boy. "But I can't get her out of the playpen."

 

[moreluck]

Speaking of fences, reminds me of the man who bought a horse but then went back to the farmer and complained, "I thought you said this horse you sold me could jump as high as an eight-foot fence."

"I did, and he can," said the farmer.

"Well," replied the man, "he can't jump at all."

The farmer added, "Neither can a fence."

 

[moreluck]

The Colonel's Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling open every time a bus was passing by.

So she called a repair man.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"

Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Diet Club ...

A woman in my diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, then someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled.

"He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4 a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39 courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls



IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Fix him something to eat.

 

[moreluck]

Actual Answers Given By Contestants On The Game Show Family Feud:

• Name something a blind person might use - A sword
• Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
• Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
• Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
• Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
• Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
• Name something that floats in the bath - Water
• Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
• Name something Red - My cardigan
• Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
• A number you have to memorize - 7
• Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
• Something you put on walls - Roofs
• Something in the garden that's green - Shed
• Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
• Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
• Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
• Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
• Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
• Something associated with the police - Pigs
• A sign of the zodiac - April
• Something slippery - A con-man
• A food that can be brown or white - Potato
• A jacket potato topping - Jam
• A famous Scotsman - Jock
• Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
• Something with a hole in it - Window
• A non living object with legs - Plant
• A domestic animal - Leopard
• A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
• A way of cooking fish - Cod

 

[moreluck]

Gas in Church ...

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leaned over and said, "I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?"

He replied "Put a new battery in your hearing aide."

 

[moreluck]

Calculate Your Life Expectancy .....GET A PEN & PAPER READY
Punching in the Death Calculator

*Start with 79 *
(today's average life expectancy)
1. Gender? Female = plus 1. Male = minus 2.
2. Do you have an annual
physical exam?
Yes = plus 3. No = minus 3.
3. Grandparent lived to 85-plus?
Add 2 for each long-lived grandparent.
4. Do you volunteer
on a weekly basis?
Yes = plus 2. No = minus 1.
5. Do you live alone?
Yes, minus 3. No, 0 points.
6. Are you able to laugh at, and learn from, your mistakes.
Yes = plus 1. No = minus 3.
7. Do you have a confidant who listens to your problems?
Yes = plus 1. No = minus 2.
8. Do you play puzzles and games?
Yes = plus 4. No = 0.
9. Daily aerobic exercise: swimming, jogging, biking?
Yes = plus 3. No = 0.
10. Eat balanced diet of fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains?
Yes = plus 2. No = minus 3.
11. Do you smoke a pack of cigarettes daily?
Yes = minus 4. No = 0.
12. Live with, work with or have friends who smoke?
Yes = minus 1. No = 0.
13. Do you "yo-yo" on and off diet fads?
Yes = minus 5. No = 0 points.
14. Own an interactive pet (dog, cat)?
Yes = plus 2. Passive pet (goldfish) = plus 1.
15. Left-handed
yes= minus 1. Right-handed = 0.
16. For every inch of your height that exceeds 5'8", minus six months.
17. Are you a religious person, and do you practice your faith?
Yes = plus 2. No = 0.
18. Two or more daughters?
Yes = plus 3. No = 0. (Daughters are elder caregivers).
19. Use stress management (meditation, quiet time, spa)?
Yes = plus 4. No = minus 3.
20. Walk to work?
Yes = plus 2. Ride to work? Yes = plus 1. Drive to work? Yes = minus 3.
21. Cosmetic surgery?
Minus 5 for each decade you have a procedure. Minus 1 for each additional procedure per decade.
22. Do you fear the uncertainties of growing old?
Yes = minus 2. No fear = plus 1.
23. Substance abuse?
Yes = minus 6. Shared use of substances = minus 3.
24. Sexual promiscuity (multiple partners, STD risks)?
Yes = minus 6. No = 0.
25. Engaged in long-term, relationship of trust and mutual respect?
Yes = plus 5. No = 0.
26. All friends same age as you?
Yes = minus 2. No = plus 1.
27. Written specific life goals and completion timeframes?
Yes = plus 1. No = 0.
28. Family history of cardiovascular or cancer prior to age 50?
Minus 2 per occurence.
29. Family history of obesity, diabetes, chronic depression?
Minus 2 per each occurence. Your life expectancy is:

 

[moreluck]

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas .
In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an
accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England .

The second surgeon said. That's nothing. A young man
lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2
years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the
Olympics.

The third surgeon said, You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a
horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had
left to work with
was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was
able to put
them together and now she's a senator from New York .

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If....

• your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
• you have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
• your firehouse has wheels.
• you've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
• Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
• you've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
• at least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
• your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
• you don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
• you've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
• your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
• your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
• your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
• dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
• the local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
• your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
• you've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
• your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
• the only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

 

[moreluck]

Instructions for Life
By: Author Unknown
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: - Respect for self - Respect for others and -Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. 20. Find something positive in this message and to pass it on to all your friends!

 

[moreluck]

STRESS MANAGEMENT


Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

 

[moreluck]

Gender Discovery


Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.

Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make up.​

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.​

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.​

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.​

 

[moreluck]

Alternative Meanings
from The Washington Post

*Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
*Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
*Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.
*Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..

*Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
*Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
*Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
*Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.

*Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
*Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.

*Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.

*Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.


*Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
*Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
*Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
*Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist

 

[moreluck]

Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate.

 

[moreluck]

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp? Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!

Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because spleens would look pretty gross!

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!"