Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

bookstore .....

A bookstore featured special events for children and families. One day a group of actors appeared dressed in medieval costumes. One was wearing a full suit of armor. A young boy stood very still and stared at the armored knight. "Dad," he asked, "is he their goalie?"

 

[cheryl]

Hey moreluck,
to attach an image to a post scroll down to the Attach Files section and click the Manage Attachments button. Click the Browse button under Upload File from your Computer and the navigate to the file on your computer. Click the Upload button and the full size image file will be attached to your post through a clickable thumbnail of the image.

 

[moreluck]

Kindergarten Smarts

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ," to which Hymie replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

 

[moreluck]

Pet's 'Pet-Peeves'

1. Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

2. Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

3. Cat: "Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it's curtains."

4. Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?"

5. Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

6. Dog: "What the ... HEY!!! I didn't even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!"

7. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"

 

[moreluck]

What Men Really Mean

​

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

[moreluck]

What Men Really Mean - Part Two

"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'friend Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."

 

[moreluck]

A Med Student's Guess​

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.
They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?
The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"

 

[moreluck]

MY HOMETOWN WAS SO SMALL...

...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill

...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened

...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter

...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a Salad Shooter

...the local Motel 6 actually only slept six

...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner

...the class valedictorian had both the highest and lowest GPA

...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council and street sweeper

...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns

 

[moreluck]

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."


In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=arial,helvetica]The Pasta Diet

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da ice cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND......

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

​

[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Kids will be Kids...

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill- fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

 

[moreluck]

Surgery Cost....

A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man hung his head and answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

 

[moreluck]

Psychiatrist .....

A man goes to a psychiatrist to get his head checked out. As part of the examination the doctor draws a square on a piece of paper. "And what do you see?" he asks the man. "A room full of naked women, doc!" The doctor draws a rectangle and shows it to him. "And what do you see?" "A room full of naked women!" The shrink's eyes widen. "This is very serious. It seems you have a fixation on sex." he tells the man. "Me?!" he replies, "You're the one drawing the dirty pictures!"

 

[moreluck]

Hallmark cards Things you won't read on Hallmark cards. ............

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.>~>

FRONT: If I get only one thing for Christmas, INSIDE: I hope it's your friend.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion. INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

FRONT: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'til I met you.

FRONT: Looking back over the years that we've been together,I can't help but wonder: INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

FRONT: Sex with you is like using drugs: INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

FRONT: The holidays are a great time to be with family. INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time, INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

FRONT: I'm so miserable without you, INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

FRONT: If you ever need a friend... INSIDE: buy a dog.

FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

 

[moreluck]

Paranormal .........

One day a famous professor for paranormal activities was talking to his class of about 500 students about ghosts in a very large lecture room.

To make his lecture interesting, he asks his audience "How many of you believe in ghost?" About 100 students held up their hands. The professor then asks "How many of you think you have actually seen a ghost?" This time, only about 30 students showed their hands. The professor then says "Okay, lets take it one step further, how many of you think you have had a conversation with a ghost?" That time, only about 10 students still held up their hands. The professor then says "Well, let's take it even further this time, how many of you think that you have made love to a ghost?" Now that time, only one young man all the way in the back of the room held up his hand. The professor then calls that young man to the front and says "This is very interesting, in the 10 years I have been teaching this class, I have never had anybody that thinks that he has made love to a ghost, would you please share your experience here with us?" The young man scratches his head and says "Oh, ghost, at the back of the room I thought you said goat."

 

[moreluck]

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients​

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
   
2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
   
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
   
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
   
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
   
6. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians, health care managers and other humanitarians.
   
7. Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
   
8. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
   
9. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

 

[moreluck]

~Car Names~ What they really stand for.....

AUDI......

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW.......

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK.......

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET...........

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE.........

Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD.........

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM.........

General Maintenance

GMC.........

Garage Man's Companion

HONDA......

Had One Never Did Again

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI..........

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA........

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE........

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB.........

Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA.........

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO.......

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW.......

Virtually Worthless

 

[moreluck]

Restaurant Decision ....

My wife and I faced a tough decision at a restaurant the other night. We had to decide whether we wanted the prime rib, the lobster tail or a month of electricity.

 

[moreluck]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE>
>1930s 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
>
>
>First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
>carried us.
>
>They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't
>get tested for diabetes.
>
>
>Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
>Lead-based paints.
>
>
>We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
>we
>rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
>Hitchhiking.
>
>As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
>
>
>Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
>
>
>
>We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
>
>
>We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
>actually died from this.
>
>
>We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar
>in it, but
>we weren't overweight because
>
>
>WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
>
>
>
>We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
>back
>when the streetlights came on.
>
>
>No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
>
>
>
>We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
>the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
>bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
>
>
>We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all,
>no
>99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
>phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
>rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
>
>We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
>lawsuits from these accidents.
>
>
>We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
>forever.
>We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
>made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it
>would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
>
>We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
>the bell, or just yelled for them!
>
>Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
>had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
>The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
>They
>actually sided with the law!
>
>This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
>and inventors ever!
>
>The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
>
>We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
>
>
>HOW TO
>DEAL WITH IT ALL!
>And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
>
>
>You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up
>as
>kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
>good.
>
>
>and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how
>brave their parents were.
>
>Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
>

 

[moreluck]

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel