Jokes

[Upsmule]

A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner. His wife
screams, "You *******! My hair &makeup aren't done, the house is a mess,
the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered
with cooking tonight!
Why the friend... did you bring him home?"



"'Cause he's thinking of getting married..

 

[Upsmule]

​ "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your
timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
But you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
kidding me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it."

 

[Upsmule]

MEDICAL SCHOOL EXAM

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect"

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. Many of the rest are in Congress.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

I must be destined for politics as the word SPINE never entered my mind.

 

[Upsmule]

Yep....same here!

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

The word "penis" just jumped off the page.

 

[cachsux]

If they're working right they jump off pretty much everything.

 

[Upsmule]

Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in
an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.
In other news... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal,
consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs. Now KFC is offering
the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and
chicken ****.

 

[OPTION3]

Who's the most popular man at a nudist colony?
The one who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 doughnuts!
Who's the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
​The one who can hold two cups of coffe WHILE EATING 12 doughnuts!

 

[moreluck]

QUESTION: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? ANSWER: Depends on how thin you slice them.

 

[Bozo Bob]

The division manager was telling us about the new deodorant his wife got for him to try out. The directions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'. He's been walking kinda funny, but his farts smell like a springtime meadow.

 

[moreluck]

Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' (I just love this!!) ! ! ! 'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

 

[Operational needs]

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' Yes, you see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration'!

 

[Operational needs]

A cop pulls a guy over for speeding, he walks up to the car & says 'sir you were going pretty fast back there, what's the hurry?' The guy replies 'oh sorry officer, I always forget to watch my speed when I've had a few drinks.' 'You've been drinking?!' the cop exclaims. 'Well yeah', says the guy, 'I needed a few stiff ones after i stabbed that guy. Fortunately I w...as able to fit his body in the trunk!' The cop pulls his gun & yells 'STAY WHERE YOU ARE!' He calls for backup. When the 2nd cop arrives they yank the guy from the car, cuff him & search him and the entire car. They find nothing. They give him a breathalyzer - he's clean. The 2nd cop says to the 1st cop 'What the hell? I thought you said this guy was drunk, murdered someone and had a body in the trunk!' Before he can respond the guy says 'Oh yeah? I bet the bastard told you I was speeding too.

 

[Operational needs]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me..., you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".

 

[Operational needs]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
... and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that

 

[Operational needs]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,"Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with theanswers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your... mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work afew hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[Operational needs]

A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new hightech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it. ...

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

...When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

 

[Operational needs]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he was too embarrassed and he vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong,
she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.

 

[Operational needs]

John hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster.”