Jokes

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AWK-WARD !!

Just tried a coat on in T.J. Maxx. It was the coat of a customer trying on another coat.

After flunking a job interview, I got up, shook everyone's hand and walked into the coat closet.

Just bumped into a mannequin and said, "Sorry." Then said, "Oh, I thought you were a person." Then realized I was still talking to a mannequin.

 

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I was giving my young student a mental maturity test. One image showed and incomplete stick figure that was missing an arm and a leg. I asked, "What does he need?"
She responded, "A wheelchair."

 

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A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little smilet, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

 

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Gus took four tires to a friend's garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. He needed to step away for a bit, so he asked his friend to watch them for him.
"In case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" the friend asked.
"Try for more, but I'll accept $20 each, Gus said, and left.
When he returned, the tires were gone.
"How much did you get for them?" Gus asked excitedly.
"Twenty dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did."

 

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Animal football
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

 

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There Was Life Before The Computer...

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

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A man approaches the gates of heaven and asks to be allowed to enter.
"Tell me one good thing you did in your life," says St. Peter.
"Well," says the man, "I saw a group of punks harassing an elderly lady, so I ran up and kicked their leader in the shins."
St. Peter is impressed. "When did this happen?"
"About 40 seconds ago."

 

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https://www.pinterest.com/TheFunnyBeaver/

 

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Stuff Happens.....
Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.
Judaism: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid

 

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What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

 

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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

 

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

 

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

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