Sounds like you're jealous cause your book isn't getting the attention it deserved.
Hmmmm. A book...about me...nah...boring.
Unless I tell the story about the time when I was going to Harvard and got in that bar brawl with some local snooty-pants, thumped them mercilessly while myself sustaining a nasty knife wound to the abdomen and nearly passed out but instead it was led into devine presencw revealed to me by the Lord most high that crop circles are not made by extraterrestrials, but rather they are the secret development location of Skittles, thus giving Beast mode Marshawn Lynch his superhuman power to destroy opposing linebackers and that Dave Chappelle is in fact the second coming of John the Baptist with a filthy mouth.
Once I get Harper/Collins to publish it, maybe I'll run for Supreme Leader of the Universe and have Zaphod Beeblebrox imprisoned on one of Vulcan's less hospitable moons.