Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble
starts when
they try to decide which one.

Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage,
the "Y" becomes silent.

Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and
a radio. ( Rodney Dangerfield)

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my
father..."I'm very sorry. We did everything that we could, but
he
pulled through." (Dangerfield)

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof. (dangerfield)

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and look
in the mirror...I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He
said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
(Dangerfield)

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one
trifling
exception, is composed of others. (Holmes)

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. "You
know, a cow was murdered for that jacket!" she sneered. I
replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have
to kill you too." (Johanson)

80% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
(Jackie
Mason)

Time's fun when you're having flies. (Kermit the frog)

Suppose you were an idiot.....And suppose you were a member of
Congress....but I repeat myself. (Mark Twain)

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the
universe
is that it has never tried to contact us.

My school colors were "clear". (Steven Wright)

When I was in high school I got in trouble with my girlfriend's
dad. He
said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of
August!
Cool!"

Did Washington flash a quarter for his I.D.?

 

[moreluck]

MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD
> > (The 23rd Pound)
> >
> >My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
> >It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
> >It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
> >It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a
> Whopper.
> >It destroyeth my shape.
> >Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop
> eating
> >For the food tasteth so good.
> >The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
> >When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
> >For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
> >As I filleth my plate continuously,
> >My clothes runneth smaller.
> >Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the
> days of my life
> >And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
>

 

[moreluck]

God & His Kids
> >
> >
> > Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from
> > the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
> > After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first
> > thing God said was: "Don't."
> >
> > "Don't what?" Adam replied.
> >
> > "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
> >
> > "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve, we got
> > forbidden fruit!"
> >
> > "No way!"
> >
> > "Yes way!"
> >
> > "Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
> >
> > "Why?"
> >
> > "Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why
> > he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later
> > God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
> >
> > "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
> >
> > "Uh huh, " Adam replied.
> >
> > "Then why did you?"
> >
> > "I dunno" Eve answered.
> >
> > "She started it!" Adam said.
> > "Did not!"
> > "Did too!"
> > "DID NOT!!"
> >
> > Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam
> > and Eve should have children of their own.
> >
> > Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed, but there is
> > reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
> > tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on
> > yourself.
> >
> > If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would
> > be a piece of cake for you?
> >
> > Advice for the day:
> > If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it
> > says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
>
>

 

[cheryl]

Position: Mom, Mother, Mommy, Ma, MOM!!!

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic
environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills
and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone
needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds
flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
calendars and coordinate production of multiple science/homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery
operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must
assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities
also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately
surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they
turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially
independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

 

[flimflam]

I'm not sure but the following could possibly be an Urban Legend.

The KKK is endorsed by Procter and Gamble, who also supports the
satanists, and who sold Mrs. Field's cookie recipe to Neiman Marcus
for $2,000 after the kiddie tatoos laced with LSD that were supposed
to be used for satanic ritual abuse at that day care center in
Beaufort were mistakenly eaten by the choking doberman who was bitten
by the snake that came out of the fur coat that was worn by the
escaped homicidal maniac whose hook prosthesis was found hanging from
the door of the car of the teenagers who high-tailed it out of a
lover's lane when they heard that he had escaped and then went to the
pot party where the kids who were supposed to be babysitting got high
on marijuana and were so stoned they accidentally put the baby in the
oven instead of the turkey that makes you sleepy because it contains
tryptophan because the microwave was ruined by the exploding poodle
that the girl with the beehive hairdo that turned out to contain
roaches who had gotten an automatic "A" at college because her
roommate had committed suicide had put in to dry after it had gotten
wet chasing the vanishing hitchhiker who had tried to warn the girl
that her insides were cooked because she had stayed too long under the
sun lamp at the local tanning salon while her dad poured a load of
concrete into a new convertible parked outside of the house because he
thought it belonged to a guy who was having sex with his wife but was
really a prize he had won in a contest at that radio station that
played rock records that contained hidden commands and subliminal
messages planted by the Jews, international bankers, the Trilateral
Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Illuminati, the New
World Order, multinational corporations, right wing militias, Jerry
Falwell, the Christian Coalition, Planned Parenthood, and the spooks
at Hanger 18 of Area 51 in Dreamland who performed the autopsies on
the aliens who crashed at Roswell, New Mexico while on a mission to
abduct people and conduct weird sexual and reproductive experiments on
them because they knew we use only ten percent of our brains and that
engineers had "proven" that bumblebees can't fly and that sugar wakes
you up even if you're a CIA agent who has recovered memories about
conspiring with organized crime and anti-Castro extremists to kill JFK
with a magic bullet, and then killed dozens of other people whose odds
of all dying within the period in which they did are infintesimal even
if you don't count their near-death experiences in which an angel
guided them to the light before they were called back because it
wasn't time for them to die like Mikey from the Life cereal
commercials did after eating Pop Rocks(R) candy when his friend Alice
Cooper who was Eddie Haskell on Leave it to Beaver woke up after a one
night stand in a hotel only to find that the girl he was with was gone
and had written "Welcome to the world of AIDS" in lipstick on the
bathroom mirror which terrified him because he knew that it is just as
easy to get AIDS from heterosexual intercourse as it is from
homosexual sodomy with an IV drug user because when the US government
created AIDS to commit genocide against blacks who aren't adversely
affected by the minimum wage with the aid of Korean grocers who don't
give anything back to the community they knew that Anne Klein had said
on the Donahue show that she didn't want blacks buying her clothes
because when the poison they put in that fried chicken at Church's so
The Rich could keep the poor down because they can't be rich if nobody
is poor there would be a massive coverup like the Philadelphia
Experiment or the carburetor that can allow a car to get 100 mpg in
perpetual motion just like Nikola Tesla had done a hundred years ago
using the same principal that Uri Geller uses to bend spoons and
psychic friends use to give you valuable insights that improve your
life for amusement purposes only while smoking a cigarette that has no
more been proven to give you cancer than evolution has been proven to
occur because it's only a theory and there are no transitional fossils
and it violates the second law of thermodynamics unlike creation
science which is not religious and fear of irradiated food which is
rational because we know it's bad just like the assault weapons that
are more dangerous than other semi-automatic weapons because they look
scary and ugly and they're ok to ban because the second amendment
wasn't meant to preserve the rights of individuals against the state
like the other nine amendments in the Bill of Rights but instead is
the only amendment designed to protect the state against individuals
because if there is no effective way to keep guns out of the hands of
criminals the next best thing is to keep them out of the hands of law
abiding citizens and make sure only the state has them because
countries where the state doesn't permit its citizens to own guns are
never oppressive and the government doesn't become arrogant and
intractable and corrupt because the government can improve our lives
by suspending the laws of supply and demand to make prices fair and
deciding how many people of each race and sex should be in colleges
and jobs which is good because when control of everyday life is
centralized in the state the people who get to make the decisions are
never capricious or highhanded or make decisions favoring their
friends and family and people who pay them money because if only we
can get the right people into positions of control it will be safe to
let them run things because smart people can figure out how to
allocate resources and what fair prices are for goods and services and
labor and who should be allowed to do what much more efficiently and
constructively than just letting millions of people make their own
decisions about what they should eat or drink or smoke or for whom
they should work for under what conditions for how much money on what
schedule based on their own perceptions concerns and plans in
accordance with their best interests.

But I digress . . .

 

[flimflam]

Talk about going hog wild on a trip .....

Oct 27, 2000 - 09:24 PM


Hog Makes Cross-Country Trip on US Airways Flight
The Associated Press

PHILADELPHIA (AP) - Yes, a pig really flew - first class.
It flew US Airways, and the company, embarrassed, says it's never going to let it happen again.

On Oct. 17, the six-hour flight from Philadelphia to Seattle carried 201 passengers - 200 people and one hog, which sat on the floor in the first row of first class.

"We can confirm that the pig traveled, and we can confirm that it will never happen again," US Airways spokesman David Castelveter said. "Let me stress that. It will never happen again."

Sources familiar with the incident told the Philadelphia Daily News in Friday's editions that the hog's owners convinced the airline that the animal was a "therapeutic companion pet," like a guide dog for the blind.

The pig was traveling with two unidentified women who claimed they had a doctor's note that allowed them to fly with the animal, according to an internal airline report. US Airways and Federal Aviation Administration rules allow passengers to fly with service animals.

The animal became unruly as the plane taxied toward the Seattle terminal, the report said, running through the jet, squealing and trying to get into the cockpit.

"Many people on board the aircraft were quite upset that there was a large uncontrollable pig on board, especially those in the first-class cabin," the incident report stated.

The pig made it off the plane but continued squealing inside the Seattle airport.

FAA officials in Seattle said they were unfamiliar with the incident but promised to investigate.

 

[flimflam]

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the coastguard?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

 

[flimflam]

Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than originally
expected, the polling facilities may not be able to handle the load
all at once. Therefore, Republicans are requested to vote on
Tuesday, November 7, and Democrats and Independents on Wednesday,
November 8.

Please pass this message along and help us to make sure that nobody
gets left out.

2000 Presidential
Election Commission

 

[moreluck]

New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it
the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W,
and the other wanted the Lazy-Y.
So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None survived the branding."

 

[moreluck]

DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
___________________________

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.


COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off
for a weekend with the boys.


BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for
mooning.


COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.


FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment,
self-expression and male bonding.


MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end
up in bed.


REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels
every three minutes.

 

[moreluck]

Newlyweds...

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a
problem they had
never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear,
decided to ask his
father for advice. He said,
"Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage. I love my fiancée, very
much, but you see,
I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future
wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your
feet as often as possible, and always
wear socks, even to
bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take
her problem up her mom. She said,
"Mom, when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly
awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath
in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad,
I'm afraid that my new husband will
not want to sleep in
the same room with me."

Her mother said simply,
"Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and
head for the bathroom and brush your
teeth. The key is,
not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a
word,"

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful
ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each
had received, he
with his perpetual socks and she with her morning
silence, they managed quite well. That is,
until about 6 months
later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to
find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the
consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of
course, woke his bride and without
thinking, she
immediately asks,
"What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my
sock!"

 

[moreluck]

The Law Enforcement Officer's Dictionary

Police work, like any profession, has its own jargon and set of terms
and there is sometimes a problem in translating these
words from what they appear to be saying to what they really mean. In
police recruit training, the novice is taught literally
hundreds of these words and catch phrases which are used in all
reports. By using this guide, you will be able to decipher the
TRUE meaning of some of the most commonly used terms and phrases...

1.While on routine patrol
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

2.The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN -- DON'T FEED THE
PIGS."

3.The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this
officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

4.This officer went "out of service" to obtain intelligence
information from a street informant
It was too hot to ride in the car.

5.I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner
The dirtbag let go with an 'Oink' as I walked by.

6.Knowing the suspect had a criminal history
He puked on my uniform one night.

7.The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable
information in the past
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head.

8.While being arrested, the subject resisted, being injured in the
act
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses.

9.The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations
I wrote him one citation for each swear-word he used.

10.Upon announcing my title and purpose I heard a voice from inside
the house say 'Come in' so I entered
through the door
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army
so I kicked in the door.

11.The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy
within departmental policies
I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the 'Command
Post.'

12.I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and was
free after my shift was over.

13.The Chief appeared at the scene and took command
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

14.Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to
conditions beyond my control
Tonight is my bowling night.

15.The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the
judge at his arraignment
I told him he didn't have the [guts] to call the judge the same
name he called me.

 

[flimflam]

Cell Migration

https://web.archive.org/web/20041204034722/http://www.whoohoo.net/cell/

 

[flimflam]

"The world of intelligence studies has, in the past, regarded mentally
challenged persons as being in two classes: Idiots, who are adults having
mental ages below 3 years and are considered extremely incompetent, and
Morons, who are adults having mental ages of about 8 years and are
considered both stupid and foolish.

"Recent research at several leading universities has led to a new
classification, aptly named Gorons. Gorons are adults of seemingly normal
intelligence, but who exhibit extreme forms of gullibility syndrome and
who refuse, much like alcoholics, to acknowledge their affliction. Even
though much research remains to be done, the Surgeon General has issued
this WARNING:

" ... Medical researchers acknowledge that Gorons are generally harmless,
except when allowed into a voting booth. There, unfortunately, overcome
by their gullibility syndrome, they are apt to actually vote for Al Gore!

"They should be carefully protected from their ailment, since it may be
harmful to their well-being, yours, mine and that of the USA. Therefore,
PLEASE, heed the Surgeon General's warning, reach out to aid the Gorons
in overcoming the syndrome, and, PLEASE, pass this on to your normal
friends, who might also know Gorons who need immediate treatment."

 

[moreluck]

Stupid Criminals

1.Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he (1)
fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering
around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his
$400 bail in coins.

2.Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for
robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was
armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

3.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

4.David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and
stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they
contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and
slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers
easily jumped him from behind.

5.The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man
suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said
he couldn't have done it "because he was busy breaking into a
school at the same time." Police then arrested him for
breaking into the school.

6.Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched
without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a
warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could
have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be
wearing the same jacket that day in court. He
handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a
packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard
he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

7.Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long
welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while
wearing it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said,
"and never had it happen."

8.Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he
attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy
pickup with a 22- caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a
perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it
went off and shot him in the knee.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Signs You Don't Have What it Takes to be a Cop

1.You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
2.Sirens give you a headache.
3.You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car
computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the
same time.
4.When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.
5.When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult
diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.
6.You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too
dangerous.
7.At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the
crowd thins out.
8.A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for
littering.
9.You think frisking people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone
of your own gender is politically incorrect.
10.You're a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a papercut.

 

[flimflam]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••••••</FONT>
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants
to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself
in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

 

[flimflam]

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their
horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Lifesavers
and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when
the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
"It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, they're s!"

 

[flimflam]

Why Parents Suck


It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own
car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's
dad to repeat it.

"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw.
She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening
is beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father:

"DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

[flimflam]

There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being
ridiclued for being blonde, so she decided to fix it
by dying her hair brunette.

Well, she was driving along a country road
when she saw a sheperd with his flock of sheep. She
decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if
she did indeed get any smarter.

She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the
sheperd if she could guess how many sheep he had she
could have one. The sheperd thought this was an
unusual request, but he agreed.

The blonde thought about it for a minute and said,
"one hundred and fifty." The sheperd was amazed and
said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to
take home. She did and as she was putting it into her
car, the sheperd stopped her and said, "If I can guess
your real haircolor, can I have my dog back?"