Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

39. `I`ll take Shakespeare for
1000, Alex`
38. Duct tape won`t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to
catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I`ll
have a Heineken.
35. We don`t keep firearms in
this house.
34. Has anybody seen the
sideburns trimmer?
33. You can`t feed that to the
dog.
32. I thought Graceland was
tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the
pick-up, it`s not safe.
30. Wrasslin`s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that
donation to Greenpeace?
28. We`re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too
big?
26. I`ll have grapefruit
instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai
trees need watering?
24. Who`s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of
pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the
decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty
habit.
20. I just couldn`t find a
thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that
steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better
than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are
too big.
16. I`ll have the arugula and
radicchio salad.
15. I`ve got it all on a floppy
disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes
better.
13. Would you like your fish
poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Betty Jo, is
registered at Tiffany`s.
11. I`ve got two cases of Zima
for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes
have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She`s too old to be wearing
a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean
sprouts?
6. Hey, here`s an episode of
`Hee Haw` that we haven`t seen.
5. I don`t have a favorite
college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad
dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those
green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a
little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing you would
NEVER hear a redneck say--

1. Elvis who?

 

[vic]

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his
tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds
an ad for "Gorilla Catcher." When he asks if they can
remove the gorilla, the guy asks, "Is it male or
female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he
states.

An hour later, the Gorilla Catcher shows up with a
stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of
handcuffs. He then gives the man the handcuffs and the
shotgun. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke at the
gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree.
When he does, the trained Rottweiler will move in and
bite the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will
then cross his hands across himself for protection,
and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"

The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I
do with the shotgun?"

The Gorilla Catcher replies, "Hopefully nothing, but
if I happen to fall out of the tree before the
gorilla, you shoot that Rottweiler!"

 

[moreluck]

Fitness Philosophy - JokesGalore Style!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60.
She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently
you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further
up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
small country.

I don't jog...it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

[moreluck]

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars
all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with
an infrared
speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his
signature and was about to walk away
when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I
don't think it's fair - there
were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so
why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the
fish?"

 

[moreluck]

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can
get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are
sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got
from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:
They would put them down
somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the
thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of
things. Right now I am so far
behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the
questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed
for remodeling." **Caution -
Leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already
full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but also to
leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
shoes.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I
don't know what I'm doing, someone
else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat
are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes
alone.

 

[retired]

Fixing a flat tire may not be the most glamorous way to make a buck, but the folks at Interstar Maintenance & Repair Management Systems have built a $30 million business around such rudimentary repairs.

Sales at the Crescent Springs, Ky.-based company grew 25 percent this year, thanks to growth in Mexico and throughout the United States on the back of increased business with United Parcel Service.

The idea of Interstar is simple. The execution isn't.

The company is sort of a AAA road service for trucking and other transportation firms. Its clients are the major U.S. railroads and many steamship companies and trucking companies that transport cargo in trailers. The trailers move from ship or train onto trucks.

When a tire blows or a hydraulic lift jams, truckers anywhere in North America call Interstar's hotline. The calls are answered in the company's Crescent Springs offices. A computer network identifies the caller's location, and a map of nearby service centers appears on a computer screen. The operator dispatches a repair crew from one of Interstar's 25,000 vendors to fix the problem.

From the time the breakdown occurs to the time the truck is back on the road takes an average of one hour and 45 minutes, officials say. On the busiest days, there are 600 breakdowns. In a year, 100,000 occur.

Interstar was created in 1983 by John friend. Shortridge, the company president, and two partners who are no longer with the company. They hired 17-year-old Rodney G. Goderwis that year. Goderwis grew up with the company and has risen to vice president.

The company grew from a basement operation with a staff of three to a private corporation that now employs about 80 workers and 500 inventory centers from which it distributes tires.

Shortridge, a former terminal manager for Southern Railway, said the company has grown through seeking feedback from customers, investing in new technology and giving employees responsibility and good benefits.

In a tight job market, Interstar has kept turnover low. Benefits for every employee include a 50 percent match of 401(k) contributions, health-club memberships, health, dental and vision insurance and company-sponsored field trips.

 

[moreluck]

SAYINGS......
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way,
when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad
judgment.

Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the
universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

Experience is the sinking feeling that you have made this
mistake before.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

[moreluck]

Temperatures

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver
uncontrollably, Minnesotans go
swimming.
35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.
32 degrees - Water freezes.
30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep
pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream,
Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless,
New York City water freezes,
Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on
sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut
when you step outside.
-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build
an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue
on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you,
politicians actually do something
about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof,
Japanese cars don't
start.
-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to
get the driver going.
-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars
don't start.
-40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button
top button, Canadians put on
sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans
close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer
(and Buffalo Bills) fans order
hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own
pockets.
-100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells
all. Kenneth Starr moves in with
Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations
to Panama.

 

[moreluck]

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working vacation
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works

 

[moreluck]

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a
red Porsche after it had
run a stop sign.

"May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

"What's the problem, officer?"

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last
intersection."

"Oh, come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to a complete
stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one
within 20 miles, and
proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a
complete stop, and
you didn't. Now if I may see your license and - "

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal! What's the
matter, all the doughnut
shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your
license and registration
immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing
down and coming to a
complete stop."

The police officer had had enough. "Sir, I can do better
than that." He opened the
car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded
to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a
complete stop?"

 

[moreluck]

Signs Found in the Kitchen
>>
>> So this isn't Home Sweet Home...Adjust!
>>
>> Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
>>
>> Ring bell for maid service.
>> If no answer, do it yourself.
>>
>> I clean house every other day.
>> Today is the other day.
>>
>> If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
>>
>> I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
>>
>> My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
>>
>> I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
>>
>> If you don't like my standards of cooking...
>> lower your standards.
>>
>> Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look
like this...
>> some days its even worse.
>>
>> A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen,
>> and this kitchen is delirious.
>>
>> A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
>>
>> Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
>>
>> Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
>>
>> Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
>>
>> My next house will have no kitchen...just vending machines.
>>
>>

 

[cheryl]

Politics - from the Greek word 'polys' meaning many and the tiny insect, which combined mean 'many bloodsuckers'.

A guide to politics
Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian communism:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singaporean democracy:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Militarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

British democracy:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Hong Kong capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

Environmentalism:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Political correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Counter culture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Libertarianism:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

 

[moreluck]

SAYINGS . . . .
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way,
when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad
judgment.

Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the
universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

Experience is the sinking feeling that you have made this
mistake before.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

[moreluck]

ABC's Mom Style......


A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now
growing in the middle.

B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed
by all
except Mom to be self-cleaning.

C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy
worrying about the kids in
a different setting.

E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

friend - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after
curfew.

G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many
diapers.

I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the
paper.

J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.

K - KISS: Mom's medicine.

L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom
buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table,
chairs, pitchers and ice for kids
who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit
of 15 cents.

M - MAYBE: No.

N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items
such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush
etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making
her young daughter look "like a
tramp."

O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn
wind-up swing stops.

Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs
before the birth of the first child
and occurs again after the last child has left for
college.

R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and
air-conditioner for the kitchen.

S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little
as 15 minutes with
Grandma.

T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".

U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of
which ensures the wearer
will never have an accident.

V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from
it all, only to find it there,
too.

W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that
comes with every room.

X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the
already embarrassing
note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of
school.

Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried
or steamed before kids
refuse to eat it.

 

[moreluck]

> Guess what?!?!?
> >
> > I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire!
> > Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here!
> > You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers
> > on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The
> > ticket is very confusing when I was filling it out and
> > so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But
> > since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're
> > going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't
> > make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even
> > though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one
> > would have helped me anyway. If the FL State Lottery won't
> > give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!
>

 

[moreluck]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility
had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to
the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the
lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon
by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's
mule stumbled."

My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a
little farther when the mule
stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said,
'That's twice.' We hadn't gone
a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My
husband took a pistol from his
pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when
he looked at me and
quietly said 'That's once.'"

 

[vic]

********************************************
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "<FONT COLOR="ff0000">••••</FONT>".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

[moreluck]

I am thankful.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated
with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage
I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the
decorating by having them track in colorful
autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china,
or crystal goblets. If possible, we will
use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS
Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the
plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a
hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction
paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to
share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims
and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon
discovering that the turkey was still hard
enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of
tribal drumming. If the children should
mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal
drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen
turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
start of our feast. In the end, we chose to
keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal
seating arrangement. When the smoke
alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In
the spirit of harmony, we will ask the
children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative
onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety
reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,
enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do
not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have
an electric knife. The turkey is
unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we
will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that
"passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor
is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For
the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you
diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by
its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you
regarding the origins or type of Cheese
Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious
desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with
whipped cream and small fingerprints.
In spite of this change, you will still have a choice: take it or leave
it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She
probably won't come next year either.

I am thankful.

 

[moreluck]

Cooking Terms

Arab Coffee
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at
gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.
Calorie
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.
Frying Pan
Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and
various vegatable matter. Remains may be removed from
surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.
Microwave Oven
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to
locate and immediately destroy any food placed within
the cooking compartment.
Oven
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.
Preheat
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the
food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Porridge
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were
granted the right to sue their parents. The name is
an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Recipe
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients
you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a
dish the dog won't eat.
Tongue
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the
line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that
taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash
and squid.

 

[moreluck]

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you &amp; threw open the door.
Looking at you ,I admire your body, your well shaped legs,
and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove
your charms, and carry you off
in my arms,to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft
breasts then, making your
legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your
taut skin. My hands rub your
body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making
them trickle down off your
body.

I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so
that I can put
inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we
even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You
are ready now and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how
much you can take in. I put in more,
you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it
in deeply as far as I can, until I can't
put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped
tightly, not wanting to release
any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until
your sweet juices escape from
within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so
soft and tender. I taste more of
you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so
good. Your juices coating my
mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more,
with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!"
"Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen."

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were
having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!