Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Italian Wisdom
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"Buta grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howa about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then......pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Sticker of the Year.....

"If you can read this, thank a teacher.....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

 

[moreluck]

Hunting Trip....

Father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,
> >"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A while later, the
>
> >father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's
> >wrong?" the father asked.
> >"I told you to be quiet."
> >son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
> >I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
> >I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
> >I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
> >I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
> >I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
> >But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,
> >'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
> >Well, I guess I just panicked !
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Wise King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

 

[moreluck]

True bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being assaulted
by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask .

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

 

[moreluck]

Olympic Athletes

Back in 1996, three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot put." He opens his gym bag to display a shot put to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a nearby manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's kind of slow guy... what has he done? Just then They spot him walking up to the registration table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm.

He tells the officials, "Foster Bean. Statesboro, Georgia. Fencing."

 

[moreluck]

Little League

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile on his face.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

 

[moreluck]

Impressive

Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive, was trying to impress a client in his office.

He flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"

The client was indeed impressed -- until he heard the secretary's response, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn!"

 

[moreluck]

Loving Couple

As Jane was getting to know Tom and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Jane said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Jane and Tom were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Jane again remarked on Tom's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied Tom. "And I take after my mom."

 

[moreluck]

The Murder Trial
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

 

[moreluck]

AIRPORT TALK........

The controller working a busy traffic pattern told the Boeing 727 on
> > downwind to make a "three-sixty" (fly a complete circle, a move normally
> > used to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727
> complained,
> > "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a
> "one-eighty"
> > in this airplane?"
> >
> > Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
> thousand
> > dollars' worth."
> >
> > ++++++++++++++++++++
> >
> > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
> > speed a little high.
> >
> > San Jose Tower: "American 751, turn right at the end of the runway, if
> able.
> > If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at
> the
> > light to return to the airport."
> >
> > +++++++++++++++++++
> >
> > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot.
> > They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
> get
> > there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
that
> > we (a Pan Am 747 crew) listened to the following exchange between
> Frankfurt
> > Ground Control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the
> > active runway."
> > Frankfurt Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
> > The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
> > stop.
> > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
> location
> > now."
> > Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown
to
> > Frankfurt before?"
> > Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type
> of
> > Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
> >
> > ++++++++++++++++++++
> >
> > A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
> overheard
> > the following between a Lufthansa Airlines crew and Munich Ground
Control:
> >
> > Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> > Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
> > Lufthansa (in English, a little annoyed): "I am a German, flying a
German
> > airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
> > Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
> bloody
> > war!"
> >

 

[moreluck]

The Check Out

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

 

[moreluck]

For those who love language:-
>
>
> 1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris..are in-Seine.
>
>
> 2. A backward poet writes..inverse.
>
>
> 3 A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
>
>
> 4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
>
>
> 5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
>
>
> 6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
>
>
> 7. A man needs a mistress...just to break the monogamy.
>
>
> 8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>
>
> 9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
>
>
> 10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
>
>
> 11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
>
>
> 12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
>
>
> 13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
>
>
> 14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
>
>
> 15. The definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
>
>
> 16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>
>
> 17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
>
>
> 18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
>
>
> 19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>
>
> 20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
>
>
> 21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
>
>
> 22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
>
>
> 23 The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
>
>
> 24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>
>
> 25. Local Area Network in Australia: .. the LAN down under.
>
>
> 26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>
>
> 27. Every calendar's days are numbered.
>
>
> 28. a lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine
>
>
> 29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
>
>
> 30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
>
>
> 31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>
>
> 32. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium At
>
> large.
>
>
> 33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
>
>
> 34. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
>
>
> 35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
>
>
> 36. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>
>
> 37. Acupuncture is a jab well done
>

 

[moreluck]

The Ozarks

The owner of a golf course in the Missouri
Ozarks was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from the University of The Ozarks
and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
Everything but my earrings."

 

[moreluck]

America's Forest Service allow hikers and campers to write down any comments, in order to improve future trips. These are some of the less helpful suggestions.

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

 

[moreluck]

> Three Eastern surgeons were having lunch together and discussing
> surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in
> the East. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached
> them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
> England."
> One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms
and
> legs in a terrible accident, I reattached them and 2 years later he won 2
> gold medals in field events in the Olympics."
>
> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
guy
> who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
> traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
> horse's ass and the guy's mouth. Now he's about to run as the Democrat
> candidate for President of the United States."

 

[afups]

The growing popularity of NASCAR is hard to ignore.

While I don't particulary groove on getting baked in the unshaded hot sun and inhaling volumes of unchecked exhaust while watching loud high-speed automobiles maniacically whiz by in unending circles - apparently some do.


Concurrent with NASCAR's burgeoning hipness, two distinct groups of fans have formed:

1. smelly loud-mouth, shirtless, bloated, flatulent redneck drunks

and

2. their husbands

 

[moreluck]

GOLF ANYONE ???

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
_________________________________________________

A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"

The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
_______________________________

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
______________________________________

Mulligan: An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

"We call it hitting 3."
______________________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes," says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

 

[moreluck]

***** Camping for the First Time *****


Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."

 

[moreluck]

Air Conditioning ********


A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."