Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Old Timer's Bar"
"ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

They look at each other, and then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says,

"That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer ! and asks the bartender,
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story.I'm a retired tailor fromBrooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks! the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Arizona . They're waiting for happy hour."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Amputation

A man goes to the hospital to get a leg amputated. The doctor's preform the surgery but cut off the wrong leg, but they do right the wrong, sort of, by getting the right leg too. The paitent wakes up and is furious and he sues the hospital.
Verdict: Thrown out
Reason: Plaintiff didn't have a leg to stand on

 

[moreluck]

TRIVIA.....

What is the name of the dog on the "Brady Bunch?"


What is name of the dog on "Frasier?"


What is the name of the dog on the "Jetsons?"


What was the name of the dog on "The Roy Rogers Show?"


What was the name of the dog on "Get Smart?"


What was the name of the dog on "Married With Children?"


What was the name of Jed's ("Beverly Hillbillies") hound dog?


On "Gunsmoke," Festus Hagens' horse was named what?


On "Rawhide" Rowdy Yates' (Clint Eastwood) horse was named what?


On "The Rifleman" Mark McCain's (Johnny Crawford) horse was named what?


On "Little House on the Prairie" Laura Ingalls' (Melissa Gilbert) horse was named what?

 

[moreluck]

Answers......

What is the name of the dog on the "Brady Bunch?"
Tiger.

What is name of the dog on "Frasier?"
Eddie.

What is the name of the dog on the "Jetsons?"
Astro.

What was the name of the dog on "The Roy Rogers Show?"
Bullet.

What was the name of the dog on "Get Smart?"
K-13.

What was the name of the dog on "Married With Children?"
Buck.

What was the name of Jed's ("Beverly Hillbillies") hound dog?
Duke.

On "Gunsmoke," Festus Hagens' horse was named what?
Ruth.

On "Rawhide" Rowdy Yates' (Clint Eastwood) horse was named what?
Midnight.

On "The Rifleman" Mark McCain's (Johnny Crawford) horse was named what?
Blue Boy.

On "Little House on the Prairie" Laura Ingalls' (Melissa Gilbert) horse was named what?
Bunny.

 

[moreluck]

maybe a repeat.....I can't remember........

CATHOLIC DICTIONARY:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three notes higher than
that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
(1) Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered
by an HMO.
(2) The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.


PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting
of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for
seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.

 

[moreluck]

> About Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail": :
>
> He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for
> >them.
> >He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails.
> >Took away their weights.
> >Cut off all but "G" movies.
> >He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and
> >city projects.
> >Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for
> >discrimination.
> >He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court
order
> >that required cable TV for jails.
> >So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and
> >the weather channel.
> >When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how
hot
> >it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.
> >He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.
> >When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the
Ritz/Carlton.
> >If you don't like it, don't come back."
> >He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into
> >the jails.
> >When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
> >replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the
> >inmates were in his jails in the first place.
> >More on the Arizona Sheriff:
> >With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees
> >just set a new record), the Associated Press reports:
> >About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment
> >at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to
> >their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
> >On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on
> >their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees
> >inside the week before.
> >Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their
> >chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
> >"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who
> >has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."
> >Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long
ago
> >started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is
> >not one bit sympathetic
> >He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:
> >"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and
> >they have to wear full battle gear,
> >but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"
> >Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one, there
> >would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be
> >punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for
their
> >parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in
> >to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to
> >have for themselves.
> >

 

[moreluck]

Subject: THREE OLD LADIES AT A BALL GAME..


This is a detective story so pay close attention!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their
first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack
Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting
and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing
the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize
that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot
of innings to go. Based on the given information, what
inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

Think some more!!



Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded . . .

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Obituary



~

OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing
of a beloved old friend by the name of
Common Sense
who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered
as having cultivated such value lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm and
that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense
lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)
and reliable parenting strategies
(adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate
when well intentioned but overbearing regulations
were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

It declined even further
when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student;
but could not inform the parents
when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally,
Common sense lost the will to live
as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap,
and was awarded a huge settlement

Common Sense
was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust,
his wife, Discretion;
his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason

He is survived by two stepbrothers;
My Rights! and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone.

 

[traveler]

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this could tarnish our image to the world."
The Pope thought about this and, as he had never held a golf club in his life, he asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my playing was truly miraculous."
"Well, then, how can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "Your Holiness, I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

 

[traveler]

THE HAIR CUT

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it"

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

 

[traveler]

It was opening night at the Orpheum. The Amazing Claude topped the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh.t!" said the hypnotist.





It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

[moreluck]

MEMORY LANE

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
No need recording everything, someone was always home.

We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless at mealtime in the kitchen where we always ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms worked just
fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth
the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked
to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks from Betty Crocker's book.

Those snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things making not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.


When we took our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.


\

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own
cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
Now nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Many were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch, find some trees, and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- who needs game video?

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

It seemed he served unselfishly, did what he knew to do,
Because he took an oath, he did his best for you.

Remember going to the store and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it, you used your own money?


Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh
and clean,
No chemicals were used at all on grass to keep it green.

The milkman used to have a route, deliver to your door,
It was just a few more cents than going to the store.

A time when all the mail came right up to your door,
Without a lot of junky ads sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name, he knew where it
was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant."

Remember when the words "I do" meant that you really
did,
And not just temporarily, 'til someone blows their lid.
T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; or we just made
mistakes,"
There was a time when married life was built on give and take.



There was a time when just one glance was all that it
would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
But streamlined beauties, white-walled tires and fins that had
real style.






Back then the music that you played whenever you would
jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
Then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, looked for that better way.

Every year that passed brought new and greater things,
Why now we program phones with music or with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
Who ever heard of rules, just kick the can and run?

All the boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?


Life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
The high-tech stuff is fine, but I miss those good old days.

So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But it's sure fun to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Resumes and cover letters


~
> These are taken from real Rsums and Cover Letters, and were printed in
> "Fortune" Magazine
>
> 1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
>
> 2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
>
> 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
>
> 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
>
> 5. "Reason for leaving last job maturity leave."
>
> 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
>
> 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
>
> 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
>
> 9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
>
> 10. "Marital status single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
> commitments."
>
> 11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
>
> 12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to
> respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
>
> 13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
> Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
>
> 14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
>
> 15. "Personal interests donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
>
> 16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
>
> 17. "Note Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never
> quit a job."
>
> 18. "Marital status often. Children various."
>
> 19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
> employers."
>
> 20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
>
> 21. "References none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
>
>

 

[moreluck]

What Do Women Do All Day?..............


Every minute, to and fro,

That's the way my hours go;

Bring me this, and take me that,

Feed the dog, take out the cat.

Standing up, I eat my toast,

Drink my coffee, thaw the roast.

Empty the garbage, make the bed,

Rush to church, then wash my head.

Sweep the kitchen, wax the floor,

Scrub the woodwork, clean the doors;

Scour the bathtub, then myself;

Vacuum carpets, straighten shelves.

Eat my sandwich on the run...

Now my afternoon's begun.

To the baseball game I go,

When will there be time to sew?

Meet the teacher, stop the fight,

See the dentist, fly the kite.

Help with homework, do the wash,

Iron the clothes, put on the squash.

Shop for groceries, cash a check,

Fight the crowds, now I'm a wreck;

Dinner time it soon will be,

"What's for dinner?" they ask,

Wait and see.

Dirty dishes crowd the sink,

Next there's popcorn, then a drink.

Will they never go to bed?

Will I ever get ahead?

"Bring me water." "Get the light."

Turn off the TV, lock the bike.

"Where's my pillow?" "Hear my prayers."

"Did you lock the door downstairs?"

At last in bed, my spouse and I,

Too tired to move, too weak to cry.

But nearer I doze, I hear him say,

"What do women do all day?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: A Groaner


~> > A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer
> > they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
> >
> > She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
> > thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
> > around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond
> > negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod
> and
> > there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in
her
> > bag.
> >
> > The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops,
> but
> > since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
> >
> > After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed
that
> > she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"
> He
> > hadn't, and said so.
> >
> > Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and
> go
> > lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
> >
> > Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping
up
> > and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
> > then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
> >
> > Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
> >
> > "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should
have.
> >
> > "Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
> >
> > The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
> >
> > "Batteries?" cried the wife.
> >
> > "Yes," he replied-- ~(You're gonna hate me for this... )
> > "She sells C cells by the sea shore."
> >
>

 

[moreluck]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

States: Means:

40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No t i t s
Average looking....................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former s l u t
Fun..........................................Annoying
New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................................B i t c h
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker



WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you maroon!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Crazy World

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named
'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"

 

[moreluck]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
> confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
>
> The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
> continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on
> the wall.
> The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on
> this side either"....
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Success

My parents, busy professional people, have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied smile. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"

 

[wornoutupser]

My wife told me that she wanted to go somewhere expensive this weekend.



I took her to the Texaco station!