Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Subject: Convoluted?? I think not

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.

As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends.

I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore... In the last 3 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds , so...

without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

 

[moreluck]

People from the North have secret thoughts they don't share with the rest of the United States of America. And with good reason. We just don't like "y'all" that much.

by Curt Grumble

1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner".

2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than tiny, under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.

4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother," always trying to outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode Islanders have the really thick accents.

5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.

6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move on.

7. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.

8. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.

9. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we care. Don't they both have a Memphis?

10. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know, honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.

11. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.

12. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."

13. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.

14. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they feed.

15. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana and chuck the peel.

16. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always panic.

17. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!

18. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri, and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.

19. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.

20. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.

21. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.

22. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up with more original names at some point?

23. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Big scary difference.

24. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college transfer states. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to go.

25. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Gov. Jesse Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.

26. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport. Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding? Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional field.

27. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.

28. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby. We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.

29. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up?

30. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when Pittsburgh was a steel town.

31. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it has on the tight sweater.

32. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in Philadelphia, Boston or New York.

 

[moreluck]

Truckers...........

Truckers are a breed apart, and they have a language all their own. Some colorful examples of big-rig lingo:

Strips of rubber tire on the road ahead, to be avoided: Alligators

Semi with a big sleeper: Condo

Flatbed truck with a tarp: Covered wagon

Scale and/or weigh station: Chicken coop

Cars: Four-wheelers

Car-transport truck: Parking lot

Rest area: Pickle park

Snowplow salt trucks: Saltshakers

Bus: Stagecoach

Second trailer hauled by one semi tractor: Wiggle wagon

 

[moreluck]

Subject: P.C.

New Politically Correct Terms

Airhead = Reality Impaired

Bald = Comb-Free

Blind = Photonically Non-receptive

Dead = Metabolically Challenged

Deaf = Visually Oriented

Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged

Fat = Calorifically Enhanced

Girl = Pre-Woman

Handicapped = Differently Abled

Homeless = Optionally Residential

Housewife = Domestic Technician

Hunter = Animal Assassin

Insane People = Selectively Perceptive

Old People = Gerentologically Advanced

Poor = Economically Unprepared

Short = Vertically Challenged

Slum = Economic Oppression Zone

Ugly = Attractively Impaired

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Be Truthful

I happened to pass a house with a little red light burning in front, in an alley way in back of the London Hilton, so I stepped inside to see what may be on offer.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

I decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." and found myself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, I went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found myself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, I entered the door marked "Once a night" and found myself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: punishment

A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

The next day the same thing happened, "Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"

The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."

When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to you room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."

Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of: "Hark! What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"

 

[moreluck]

Signs Your Mobile Home Is Haunted...

1. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.

2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.

3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.

4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.

5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.

6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.

7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.

8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.

9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.

10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.

11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.

12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin..

 

[robonono]

JOB APPLICATION

NAME: John Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington DC, worth multi-millions.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.

MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military.

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even ted kennedy and hillary clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million.

I (we) own 68 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I Blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucketand Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.

PERSONAL
* I ride a Serotta Bike, cost $6,000 +
* My Gulfstream V Jet I call The Flying Squirrel.
* I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckleytwin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".
* I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
* I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

 

[moreluck]

MURPHY'S GENEALOGY LAWS:

1. The will you need is in a safe onboard the Titanic.

2. You finally find the wedding record for your great-grandfather only to discover he married Mary SMITH whose father was John SMITH and mother was Mary JONES!

3. You have finally found the information you needed to solve the family mystery you have been working on for 2 years and your elderly aunt says "I could have told you that!"

4. You find an old family photo album and upon close examination, there are no names on the pictures.

5. You learn that your great-grandmother's family bible (passed down through the family for 3 generations) was sold at an estate sale in New York City.

6. You find your family in the census and write to the county where they lived for 40 years, only to receive a letter stating all the county records burned.

7. You learn there is a county history on microfilm of the county your ancestors originated. It has 16,000 pages and is not indexed.

8. The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated and at which the platform collapsed under him, turned out to be a hanging.

 

[moreluck]

The Old Gas Station
Author Unknown




The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.


She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.




He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: confession

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

 

[moreluck]

Only a Mother ~~

Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home."

Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."

Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.

Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.

Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard.

Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.

Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler... visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn.

Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist.

Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior.

Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.

Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."

Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter.

Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle.

Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots... buy two carrots.

Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed.

Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland.

Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last- minute science project.

Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone.

Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.

Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.

Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Hmmmmm!!!!

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"


11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?


15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?


16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: my wife

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows I'm never home.

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm, trim body or my intellect. She said,Your sense of humor dear.

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver.

I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's gonna print her real age.

My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: my wife

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows I'm never home.

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm, trim body or my intellect. She said,Your sense of humor dear.

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver.

I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's gonna print her real age.

My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: OOPS !

It had been an unusually hectic weekend and I decided to put off the house-work. As I was curling up with a book, old friends phoned. They were in town and wanted to stop by. I tore around the house, dusting and vacuuming. Time was running out when I reached the kitchen, so I grabbed piles of dirty dishes and put them in the oven. The doorbell rang. There stood my friends - with a frozen pizza.

 

[moreluck]

Spies in Miami ........


Two Iraqi spies meet in a bar in downtown Miami.

One starts to greet the other in Arabic,
their native language.

The other waves him off contemptuously and says: "We're in America now,
speak Spanish

 

[moreluck]

Subject: preacher

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon.

He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but", he continued, "I just don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

 

[moreluck]

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women
go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
~~~~~
Could they ALL be Blondes???

 

[moreluck]

Subject: sickness

Medicare has now decided to recognize obesity as an illness. Oh man, and you thought Medicare was bankrupt before!

It's bad enough when workers call in sick, but now they're going to be calling in fat. "Hey, boss, I can't come in. I'm a little chubby today. Yeah, the union got me ten fat days a year."