Heard any good ones?

[navigator]

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille

 

[moreluck]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
> Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
> Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said,
> "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
> "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
> "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: SAME ??

In an interview with Barbara Walters, Martha Stewart was talking about going to jail and she compared herself to Nelson Mandela.

A billionaire white lady from Connecticut gets 5 months in a country club prison versus a black civil rights leader who spent 27 years in prison fighting apartheid.

Who doesn't see the similarity there? How can you miss it?

 

[moreluck]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
> 1. All the DNA is the same.
> 2. There are no dental records.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: my job

My cousin once had a job in which he dressed as a polar bear to promote soft drinks at shopping malls. One day a man strolled past him and asked, "Don't you feel stupid dressed up in that thing?" "I should feel stupid???" answered my cousin. "You're the one talking to a bear.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: cul-de-sac

A few years ago a neighbor's son returned from a stint of teaching English in Japan, bringing with him a charming young wife. The groom was a neighborhood favorite, so all of us on our cul-de-sac organized a block party to welcome the bride. At the party, my husband asked her how she liked her new life. "I like it very much," she replied, "especially living in a cuddle-sack. It is so friendly." That has been our favorite term for our dead-end street ever since.

 

[moreluck]

She was so blonde, she..............................

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

14. What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde student at a flashing red light.

15. Two blonde students are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger then one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down.

 

[moreluck]

A Letter To The Folks At Tide....

Dear Tide:
>
> I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
> through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that
> I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
> spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring
> husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
> becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended
> up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain
out
> using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick
trip
> to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach
> alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
> out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
> yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then
my
> attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in
> the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is
> bad enough without being a murder suspect!
>
> I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
>
> Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: smart dog

My large, yellow lab was constantly being told to remain on his mat, on the other side of the room, while the family ate dinner. No matter how many times he was told, he'd often try to sneak over to us only to be sent back. One evening as we ate, Sonny suddenly appeared at the table. This time, however, he had anticipated our command to return to his mat he brought it with him.

 

[rd0127]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and move to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Houston."

 

[rd0127]

Crazy Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a speed demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" He shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance? "Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, proud of his male glory. "Oh, Good Grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: kids

As an instructional assistant for a public school, part of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were concentrating on their artwork.

As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something smelled good. I was pleased that he noticed my new perfume scent, until he held a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. We got new markers."

 

[moreluck]

Boating magazine runs a contest for clever boat names. The following names Reeled in the honors:

Brace Yourself (Owned by an Orthodontist)

Sir Osis of the River

Aqua Seltzer

Out to Launch

A lawyer's boat called ~ Watertight Alibi

Meals on Reels

The Merri Yot

and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.

 

[moreluck]

Some Crazy Laws
- In Temperance, Miss., you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.

- In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.

- In Kansas City, Kan., saying the name George Washington without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.

- In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.

- An old statute in Flint, Mich., compels dentists to offer a "slug of whiskey with no additional charge to said patient."

- In Manchester, England, an ancient law declares that if a young man develops a lisp, he must be inspected by a bishop to ensure that he isn't developing homosexual tendencies.

- The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name San Francisco. It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.

- In Raleigh, N.C., before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life."

- Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Ala.

- In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on Aug. 18th must be tested for possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was born on that day in 1638.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: bulls

Pamplona, Spain -- Four people, including two Americans, were gored during the running with the bulls at this year's San Fermin festival, officials said.

There should be a "Running With the Bulls for Dummies" book. Chapter one will let you begin by "running with the chickens." Start out small. Then work your way up to "running with the cows," then later, "running with Yugos." Finally, if you can accomplish "running with Michael Moore as he's chasing you down with a microphone," you'll be ready.

 

[moreluck]

The Ten Most Common Office Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

 

[navigator]

Grandma, I ate all the peanuts in the candy dish.
That's okay. Since I lost my dentures, I can only suck the chocolate off them anyway..

 

[moreluck]

Is There A Doctor On The Course?
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: groan

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."