Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Redefining Words:

1.Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

2.Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

3.Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

4.Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

5.Lymph - v To walk with a lisp.

6.Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

7.Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

8.Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.

9.Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.

11.Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

12.Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.

13.Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

 

[traveler]

A Game Warden stopped a camper carrying a bucket of live fish. "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" he asked.

"No sir, These are my pet fish." the camper replied, "Every night I take them down to the lake and let them swim for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into the bucket."

"That's a bunch of baloney," said the game warden, pulling out a citation.

"Follow me back to the lake, and I'll prove it to you."

Suspicious but curious, the game warden agreed. They walked back to the lake, where the camper poured the bucket of fish into the water.

"Okay, the game warden said, "now call them back."



"Call who back?"



"The fish," replied the warden.



"What fish?"

 

[traveler]

............. Late one night in Bethlehem- Mary and Joseph are walking.....She is great with child.
The path they are walking on is rocky and very narrow: a fork in the road puts 2 elderly Jewish men ahead of them.....They all walk... One of the old men trips & twists his ankle- 'OY JESUS'- he says....

Joseph turns & looks at Mary...& says' " Hmmmm.. "Jesus"....."Jesus".... You know - I like that a LOT better than Irving!'

 

[traveler]

There was a farmer who had four daughters.



One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing
there. The young man said, "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up
Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out.

Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man
was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're
going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?"

Again, the farmer thought this as cute and let them go.

Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing
there. He said, "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a
show. Is she ready to go?"

Again the farmer was amused and let them go.

Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing
there. He began, "My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him.

 

[traveler]

READ CAREFULLY!


1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

 

[traveler]

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know shi! about cars!"

 

[traveler]

THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."!

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it"

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

 

[traveler]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

[navigator]

Hollywood story: The wife rushed into her house screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up our kids!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Aging....is interesting and totally unavoidable. Probably a repeat, but I like it!



Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . .

YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there.

Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens...

If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out non! essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop," And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people -- who cares?
But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day.

 

[moreluck]

Save It

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting on the toilet playing with himself. The priest was shocked. He told the young man that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the shops and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole pint!"

 

[moreluck]

Losing Bet.....

Did you hear about the maroon who lost fifty dollars on the football game?

Twenty-five dollars on the game and twenty-five dollars on the instant replay.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Hack

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

 

[moreluck]

Condom Emergency

~
> Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an
> emergency:
>
> "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President
> cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true
> disaster!"
>
> "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within
> their power to help you,' replied the President.
>
> "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send
> 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
>
> "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
>
> "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
>
> "Yes?"
>
> "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in
> diameter?" said Putin.
>
> "No problem," replied the President and, with that, George
> hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor,
> you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
>
> "Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
>
> "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4'
> wide."
>
> "Easily done. Anything else?"
>
> "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on
> each one
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Dawgs OR Dogs

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle (Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) St. Bernard (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle (Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler (Southern) Bad & Mean As Heck Dawg.Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.

(Yankee) Black Lab (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc. (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese (Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested (Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund (Southern) Wienie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor (Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had

 

[moreluck]

Subject: disease

The Department of Health and Human Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness.

Doctors say symptoms include shortness of breath and 'wideness' of ass.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Canadian Embassy

The Canadian Embassy in Mexico has announced that any foreign strippers planning to dance in Canadian clubs must provide nude photos of themselves to embassy officials before qualifying to get a Canadian visa.

So far they have viewed hundreds of naked photos of exotic dancers to keep "imposters" out of Canada. Yeah, that's the reason!

You got to hand it to the guy who came up with this idea.

 

[moreluck]

How Do We Get There??

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped. We went to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Joy of Children

Whenever your, or someone else's, kids are out of control, you can take comfort from this thought.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was: "Don't".

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Cinderella



Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? "The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed.

"I wish I was extremely wealthy", instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear. "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years. The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"