Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Little Known Facts


It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

 

[moreluck]

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside,
> and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
> "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook
> and really good with the kids.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Two Reporters And A Marine



> Two Reporters And A Marine
>
> CBS News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts,
> and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were
> captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought
before the
> leader.
>
> The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the
> condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any
last
> requests?"
>
> Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot,
> spicy chili."
>
> The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
> Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
>
> Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape
> recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
> someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end."
>
> The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder,
> and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
>
> The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final
> wish?"
>
> "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine."
>
> "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
>
> "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
> Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
> The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm pistol
> from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
> confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and
sprayed
> the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for
their
> lives.
>
> As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't
you
> just shoot them? Why did you ask them
> to kick you in the ass?"
>
> What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal s call ME the
> aggressor?"
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Not what u say - it's what u do.
>>>>
>>>> A Woman pulls up to a red light behind ONE other car. She notices the driver of the car in front of her is talking on his CELL phone, and appears to be shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him. The light turns GREEN, but the man doesn't notice the light change..........................
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel, and yelling at the man to move! The man doesn't move! The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash...................
>>>>
>>>> The light turns YELLOW. The woman begins to blow the car horn, and scream curses at the man. The man hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the YELLOW light, and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns RED........
>>>>
>>>> The woman is beside herself, screaming and is very frustrated, as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a TAP on her window, and looks up into the barrel of a GUN held by a very serious looking policeman.
>>>>
>>>> The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, and is SPEECHLESS at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine the policeman ORDERS her to exit the car with her hands up. The woman gets out of the car, and the policeman orders her to turn and place her hands on the car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof, and quickly is cuffed, and hustled into the patrol car...............
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The woman is too BEWILDERED by the chain of events to ask any QUESTIONS, and she is driven to the police station-----where she is FINGERPRINTED, PHOTOGRAPHED, SEARCHED, BOOKED, AND PLACED INTO A CELL.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell, and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the BOOKING DESK where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The policeman hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm sorry for this MISTAKE, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. I noticed the "CHOOSE LIFE" license plate holder, and the "FOLLOW ME TO SUNDAY SCHOOL" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated "CHRISTIAN FISH EMBLEM" on the trunk, so naturally I ASSUMED you had
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> .STOLEN THE CAR!
>>>>

 

[moreluck]

DID YOU KNOW?? Just for fun....

* There are 50 million golfers in the world. Their average gross score is
107 shots. Eighty percent of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less
than 18.

* There are more than 11,000 golf courses in North Amnerica.

* The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67
million.

* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

* Americans spend more than $600 million a year on golf balls.

* In 1810 the first women's tournament was helf for Scottish fishwives in
Musselburgh and then in 1892, the girst women's golf championship, organizaed by
the Ladies Golf Union in England was held. The women's games has never
looked back.

* The World's longest golf course is the Internatinal Golf Club in
Massachusetts, a long par 77, 8325 yards, from the tiger tees.

* The longest hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course
at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures a long 909 yards.

 

[moreluck]

Getting Out..............

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I've got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

 

[moreluck]

GOLFER, n.

1. A person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

2. A guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

 

[moreluck]

Martha Stewart's Financial Casserole

1. Boil a chicken until all the good stuff comes out.
2. Then, dump the stock.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Clinton / Pope

The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel?

The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10.

 

[moreluck]

SIGN IN A WALLPAPER AND PAINT STORE:

Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: french

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.



Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.



Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.



Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

A. The Army.



Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The "Most"

The most destructive habit.....................Worry
The greatest Joy................................Giving
The greatest loss.................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work..............Helping others
The ugliest personality trait..............Selfishness
The most endangered species......Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource..............Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm".......Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome...............Fear

The most effective sleeping pill.......Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease............Excuses
The most powerful force! in life................Love

The most dangerous pariah..................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer......The brain
The worst thing to be without.................. Hope

The deadliest weapon......................The tongue
The two most power-filled words............."I Can"
The greatest asset...............................Faith

The most worthless emotion.................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire.....................SMILE!
The most prized possession................. Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication..Prayer
The most contagious spirit.................Enthusiasm

 

[moreluck]

Subject: new computer

The army bought a new computer. At the first demonstration of it, a ranking officer input the question, "How far is it from here to the coast?" The computer replied, "Two hundred." The officer typed in, "Two hundred what?" The computer replied instantly "Two hundred, sir!"

 

[moreluck]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
> exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
> >
> >A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you
> think I'll live to be 80?"
> >
> >He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", I
> replied. "I've never done either."
> >
> >Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said,
"No,
> I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
> >
> >"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing /
> ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"
> "No I don't", I said.
> >
> >He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around?" "No", I said.
> >"I have never done any of those things."
> >
> >He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"
>

 

[moreluck]

PREGNANT AT 63

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped
her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After
listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young
doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the
older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown
children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"

 

[moreluck]

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

[moreluck]

NOBODY BELIEVES OLD PEOPLE
-------------------------------------------------

Everyone thinks old people are senile. An elderly couple who were
childhood
sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and
are
celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to visit their old schoolhouse. There, they
hold
hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know
what to do with it, so they take it home. There, she counts the money
and
it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says. "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers," and she puts the money back into the bag
and
hides it up in their attic.

The next day, the FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at! their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but
did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, Mr. "Tell us the story from the beginning
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here".

--------

 

[traveler]

The Beer Bear...

 

[moreluck]

traveler......

That bear had discriminating taste buds. He didn't want the national brand, but only drank the locally made brand. He knows what side his bread is buttered on. Go Bears!!

 

[moreluck]

Did you hear about the blonde won a gold medal at the Olympics?...She was so proud of it, she had it bronzed!