Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Subject: In Church

My wife and I were in a church service. There was an older gentleman in the audience near the front who would periodically interject a "Praise God" or "Amen, brother."

During the sermon, the pastor began speaking about Solomon and mentioned his 700 wives and concubines when the old man said, "Lord have mercy."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Rabbi & priest

A rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual "kibitzing."

"This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?"

The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Telephone #

Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused.

So Mom said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

 

[traveler]

Subject: Ice Fishing . . . . . . .




The presidential election was just too close to call.

Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate has enough votes to win the election.



Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.



There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a three day ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.



The candidate that would catch the most fish at the end of the three days would win.



After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and then return daily with their catch for counting and verification.



At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Kerry returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.



At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry comes in again with none.



That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says, "I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."



The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton says to Kerry, "Well, what about it?

Is George W. cheatin?'"



"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Warning for all men......






Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere.

"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship."

In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.

Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: stuck in traffic

Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn't help but notice the license plate on the car in front of me. It read, "BAA BAA."

I was clueless as to why it was chosen until I looked at the vehicle to which the plate was attached. It was a black Jeep.

 

[moreluck]

Two Caged Canaries

Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,

"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"

The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

"Well, could we at least talk?"

This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."

 

[moreluck]

IF I HAD MY CHILD TO RAISE OVER AGAIN...

If I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger paint more and point fingers less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch,
and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields
and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often
and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

 

[moreluck]

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely, Your Overwhelmed Owner

 

[traveler]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

 

[traveler]

Words By Gender!

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male.......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.......Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.......A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[gman]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding
through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he
walked toward the object, only to find a little old
Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid
out on it.
The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do
you have water?"
The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to
buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very
nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your
over-priced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you
have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to
the east for about four miles,you will find a lovely
restaurant.
Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water
you need!" The Arab staggered away toward the hill and
eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where
the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said,
"I told you, the restaurant with the water is about
four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "But... your
brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

 

[moreluck]

My dentist was telling me how much he had wanted to become a classical pianist. "If only my parents hadn't discouraged me," he moaned.

"Don't feel bad," I responded as the doctor worked on my teeth. "There's more than one way to tickle the ivories."

 

[traveler]

A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's"



Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."



At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, drop-dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.



The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

 

[moreluck]

John Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside
> Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a
> visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad
> publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and
> the like.
>
> "We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during
> your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
>
> The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it.
>
> Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his
> homily. "John Kerry is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He
> is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic
> I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a
> saint."
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: interesting quotes~! wonder if they will remember????


~

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

"[WE] urge you, after consulting with Congress, and consistent with the U.S.
Constitution and laws, to take necessary actions (including, if appropriate,
air and missile strikes on suspect Iraqi sites) to respond effectively to
the
threat posed by Iraq's refusal to end its weapons of mass destruction
programs."
Letter to President Clinton, signed by Sens. Carl Levin (D-MI), Tom Daschle
(D-SD), John Kerry ( D - MA), and others Oct. 9,1998

"We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing
weapons of mass destruction."
Sen. Ted Kennedy (D, MA), Sept. 27, 2002

"I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority
to
use force-- if necessary-- to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a
deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and
grave
threat to our security."
Sen. John friend. Kerry (D, MA), Oct. 9,2002

"In the four years since the inspectors left, intelligence reports show that
Saddam Hussein has worked to rebuild his chemical and biological weapons
stock, his missile delivery capability, and his nuclear program. He has also
given
aid, comfort, and sanctuary to terrorists, including al Qaeda members.. It
is
clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to
increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep
trying
to develop nuclear weapons."
Sen. Hillary Clinton (D, NY), Oct 10, 2002


"Without question, we need to disarm Saddam Hussein. He is a brutal,
murderous dictator, leading an oppressive regime .... He presents a
particularly
grievous threat because he is so consistently prone to miscalculation ...
And now
he is miscalculating America's response to his continued deceit and his
consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction .... So the threat of
Saddam Hussein
with weapons of mass destruction is real"
Sen. John friend. Kerry (D, MA), Jan. 23. 2003

 

[moreluck]

WHEN THEY GAVE OUT...

When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one"

When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal"

When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one"

When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny"

When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather"

 

[moreluck]

In 1923 Who Was...

1. President of the largest steel company?

2.. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?




These men
were considered
some of the worlds most successful
of their days..



Now,
80 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know
what ultimately became of them.



The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president
of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
als! o committed suicide.


However,
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
the winner of
the
most important golf tournament,
the US Open,
was



Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?


He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.


The Moral:


Screw work.


Play golf.

 

[nevadapaul]

Wisdom

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.


"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."


"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.


The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."

 

[moreluck]

A new middle east crisis:



This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will halt America's supply of convenience store managers.



If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.



IT'S REALLY GETTING UGLY !