Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Golfing Hell
An enthusiastic golfer, who didn't bother much with sunday Mass, died and went to hell. Accustomed to playing in the withering heat of Arizona, he asked the devil if he had golf courses. "Certainly," replied the devil. "We have courses with grass greens and watered fairways."

"That's great!" exclaimed the golfer.

"Now where are the clubs and balls?" "We don't have any," said the devil. "That's the hell of it."

 

[moreluck]

ANDY ROONEY'S VIEW OF WOMEN OVER 40
>
>
>Andy Rooney says.... "As I grow in age, I value women
>
> >who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
>
> >reasons why:
>
> >
>
> >An over 40 woman will never wake you in the middle of
>
> >the night to ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't
>
> >care what you think.
>
> >
>
> >If an over 40 woman doesn't want to watch the game,
>
> >she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does
>
> >something she wants to do. And it's usually something
>
> >more interesting.
>
> >
>
> >An over 40 woman knows herself well enough to be
>
> >assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants,
>
> >and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a
>
> >darn what you might think about her or what she's
>
> >doing.
>
> >
>
> >An over 40 woman usually has had her fill of
>
> >"meaningful relationships" and commitment." The last
>
> >thing she wants in her life is another dopey, clingy,
>
>
> >whiny, dependent lover.
>
> >
>
> >Over 40 women are dignified. They seldom have
>
> >screaming matches with you at the opera or in the
>
> >middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
>
> >deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they
>
> >think they can get away with it.
>
> >
>
> >Over 40 women are generous with praise, often
>
> >undeserved. They know what it's like to be
>
> >unappreciated. An over 40 woman has the
>
> >self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
>
> >
>
> >A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her
>
> >best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with
>
> >other women. A woman over 40 woman couldn't care less
>
> >if you're attracted to her friends because she knows
>
> >her friends won't betray her.
>
> >
>
> >Women get psychic as they age. You never have to
>
> >confess your sins to an over 40 woman. They always
>
> >know.
>
> >
>
> >An over 40 woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This
>
> >is not true of younger women.
>
> >
>
> >Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell
>
> >you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like
>
> >one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand
>
> >with her. Yes, we praise over 40 women for a multitude
>
> >of reasons.
>
> >
>
> >Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every
>
> >stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,
>
> >there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making
>
> >a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
>
> >Ladies, I apologize.
>
> >
>
> >Andy Rooney
>

 

[moreluck]

Andy Rooney on Monica.....

Monica:
> Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
> yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and
> knees

 

[moreluck]

Subject: HUMOR IN KIDS




HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get
married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Genders


>
> You know how they say a boat is referred to as "she" and classified As
> Female? Well, it has been said that everything in this world actually
> does have a Gender. And here are some of them:
>
> Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can Always
> see right through them.
>
> Shoes are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
> Hanging out.
>
> Photocopiers are female, because once turned off, they take a while to
> warm up.
>
> Tires are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
>
> Hot air balloons are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have To
> light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.
>
> Sponges are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
>
> The subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
> An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
> bottom
>
> Hammers are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000
> years, but they are handy to have around.
>
> And last but certainly not least.........
>
>
> A remote control is female ... ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider
> this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they
> don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying
>
>

 

[moreluck]

"Small Changes, Big Results". (prevention)

Little things to do to improve your health.

1) Eat breakfast
2) Grab grains.....wheat bread instead of white.
3) Put less on your plate
4) Drink water with meals
5) Hum along......the act of humming increases the ventilation
in your sinuses and helps to keep them unblocked.
6) Take the stairs....instead of escalator or elevator.
7) Eat dinner at a smart hour....don't eat within 2-3 hours of
bedtime.
8) Wind down with a walk.....a brisk evening walk will re-energize you for the evening events.
9) Get a rub......massage
10) Go to bed early....get 8 hours sleep
11) Squeeze someone.....hug a friend or pet your dog or cat.

 

[moreluck]

An American visiting in England entered the hotel and asked where the elevator was. The portiere (doorman) looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

 

[moreluck]

The other night while visiting some Friends in assisted living , there was a discussion on "Memory Loss" . I forgot the whole point of this, but it sure was funny! I think...

 

[moreluck]

Subject: new baby

My wife and I and our three-year-old daughter Carrie were visiting friends who had a newborn child. When the infant began to cry, the mother started up the stairs to the nursery and asked Carrie if she'd like to help.

Thrilled, Carrie followed, and after a few minutes, the crying stopped. Suddenly, we heard the baby start crying again, even more loudly than before.

Soon Carrie appeared at the foot of the stairs and said proudly, "Daddy, I helded the baby!"

As an English professor, I couldn't help saying, "That's nice, Carrie, but what's the past tense of 'hold'?"

She paused for a moment, looked down at the carpet, and in a soft voice responded, "Dropped?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Ladies Golf

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: litter

Doesn't it bother you when people litter? The most creative rationale for throwing an apple core out the window is 'It will plant seeds for other threes to grow.' And, of course, our highways are lined with apple trees--right next to all the cigarette bushes."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Oops!

The man, trying to start up a conversation with another man said, "WOW! Who is that incredibly ugly lady over there?"

The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"

Trying to get out of an embarassing situation, the first man said, "No, not her, the other one!"

The second man said, "That's my daughter!"

 

[moreluck]

Little Benny came home from his first day of school and said, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to my school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

 

[moreluck]

Senior Golf ....

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

 

[moreluck]

How NOT To Rob Banks

Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried it again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar in Minnesota.

Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh ... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's name and account number.

Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

 

[moreluck]

World's Thinnest Books
~~@~~

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen Degeneres

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

 

[moreluck]

Titleist.....

Titleist has just introduced a new universal golf club, designed especially for travelers. It is a single adjustable club that replaces all the clubs that a golfer normally uses, so it fits in a suitcase and doesn't force passengers to check their bags when flying.

It's also useful because it takes up so little space that golfers can just leave it in the trunks of their cars, and sneak out for a round of golf without their spouses being any the wiser.

The club utilizes a B-nut (like a wing-nut, but B shaped) to adjust the angle of the head to any angle, from putter to sandwedge and everything in between.

It is, of course, known as a B-nut putter-sandwedge.

 

[moreluck]

Jury Selection

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honor."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

 

[moreluck]

Ronald Reagan arrived at the Pearly Gates this week, and was met by St. Peter. Reagan was stunned for a moment.

"You mean, I---I'm in?" he asked.

"That's right" said St. Peter. "Come on, man. I'll show you around." He tossed the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car at Reagan, and said, "You drive. This is your car, for the rest of eternity."

Reagan was buoyant as they drove along the streets of Heaven, through sunny neighborhoods. Finally they came to a fancy part of town, with big lawns and swimming pools. St. Peter told Reagan that this is where he would be living.

"That's Franklin Roosevelt's house over there," St. Peter pointed out as they drove, "And that's where Albert Einstein lives, next to Madame Curie. Pope John Paul XXIII lives here....and here's your house." They pulled into the driveway, and got out.

As Reagan was looking around, he noticed up in the hills a palace made of shimmering, white granite. He could see it was enormous, with room after room, and terraces with dozens of gold fountains. "That must be where the Lord lives," said Reagan. St. Peter shook his head. "No, that's Ray Charles' place," he said. Reagan's smile faltered for a moment.

"Ray Charles lives there? How come all the presidents, scientists and popes live here, and Ray Charles lives up in that palace? I don't get it."

St. Peter chuckled. "Ronnie," he said, "Presidents and Popes are a dime a dozen. But baby, there's only one Ray Charles!

 

[moreluck]

Henpecked Husbands

He wears the pants in the house - under his apron.

He has two chances of winning an argument with her...slim and none.

He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

She does not have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

He always has the last word - he says, "I'm sorry".

He was a man about town; she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.

He was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued.

He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.