M
moreluck
Guest
Did you hear about the new camera just invented in Canada?
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.
- Status
M
moreluck
Guest
Some Diet Thoughts to Ponder
Trying to diet is when you are thick and tired of it.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. ~Mark Twain
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.
The new "pasta" diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop. Walk pasta candy store.
"Nothing tastes as good as slim feels."
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy."
I went on a 30-day diet and lost 30 days!
Trying to diet is when you are thick and tired of it.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. ~Mark Twain
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.
The new "pasta" diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop. Walk pasta candy store.
"Nothing tastes as good as slim feels."
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy."
I went on a 30-day diet and lost 30 days!
M
moreluck
Guest
For some, there is nothing basic about basic training....
It was clear that one soldier in particular, was not getting the hang of it, when on guard duty one night, he cried out.....
"Don't shoot, or I'll move!"
It was clear that one soldier in particular, was not getting the hang of it, when on guard duty one night, he cried out.....
"Don't shoot, or I'll move!"
M
moreluck
Guest
COW TRACKING
Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S!
Solution : Give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.
Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S!
Solution : Give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.
M
moreluck
Guest
Philosophy on Life (rambling)
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
God, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.
If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
"Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends - none of us can remember.
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
I love to give homemade gifts, ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
God, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.
If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
"Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends - none of us can remember.
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
I love to give homemade gifts, ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
M
moreluck
Guest
Some things just need repeating......
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.
As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!
"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.
If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every! citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.
As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!
"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.
If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every! citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
M
moreluck
Guest
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
M
moreluck
Guest
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of ! three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of ! three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
M
moreluck
Guest
Osama In Heaven
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face
and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped
conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said," This is why I
allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a
long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the
inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the angel, "This is not what you
promised me."
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face
and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped
conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said," This is why I
allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a
long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the
inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the angel, "This is not what you
promised me."
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: Olympic Commentary
~Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
>
>
> 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
> snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
>
> 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
> personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
>
> 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
> and father."
>
> 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
> boxing, but none of them really that serious."
>
> 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
> expect the same thing again."
>
> 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
> it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
>
> 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
> president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
>
> 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
> eleven Dicks on the field."
>
> 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
> that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
> them... Oh my, what have I just said?"
>
>
~Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
>
>
> 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
> snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
>
> 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
> personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
>
> 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
> and father."
>
> 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
> boxing, but none of them really that serious."
>
> 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
> expect the same thing again."
>
> 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
> it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
>
> 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
> president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
>
> 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
> eleven Dicks on the field."
>
> 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
> that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
> them... Oh my, what have I just said?"
>
>
M
moreluck
Guest
Why Buy the Cow????
For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage.
For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage.
M
moreluck
Guest
Who wants to be a Millionaire?
>
> A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
> plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
> $1,000,000. If
> she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
> money.
>
> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
> its own
> nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the
> condor;
> B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
>
> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.
>
> And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline
> and
> her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
> Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to
> use it.
> Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home Happened to be
> a blonde.
>
> But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her
> the
> question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
> "That's
> easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
>
> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
> employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
> that her
> friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that
> would
> seem to be the logical thing to do.
>
> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
> certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>
> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>
> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>
> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>
> Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer
> is...
> absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
>
> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
> friends -
> including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I
> just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your
> knowing
> the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want
> to
> know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the
> question
> that convinced me to go with your
> choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
>
> "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
> nests. They live in clocks!"
>
>
> A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
> plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
> $1,000,000. If
> she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
> money.
>
> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
> its own
> nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the
> condor;
> B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
>
> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.
>
> And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline
> and
> her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
> Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to
> use it.
> Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home Happened to be
> a blonde.
>
> But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her
> the
> question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
> "That's
> easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
>
> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
> employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
> that her
> friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that
> would
> seem to be the logical thing to do.
>
> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
> certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>
> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>
> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>
> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>
> Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer
> is...
> absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
>
> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
> friends -
> including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I
> just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your
> knowing
> the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want
> to
> know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the
> question
> that convinced me to go with your
> choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
>
> "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
> nests. They live in clocks!"
>
M
moreluck
Guest
The Mammogram
>
> This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
> tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need
> you to do is step into this room right here, strip to
> the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
>
> I'm thinking, "Belinda try drinking decaf. This ain't
> rocket science."
>
> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
> horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented
> this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size
> of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.
> Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and
> everything nice... it's Spandex. We can be stretched,
> pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square
> glass and still pop back into shape. With the right
> side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
> left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy
> toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
>
> "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out
> of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my
> legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a
> holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard,
> then felt, ZAP!! Complete darkness!!
>
> "What happened?" I yelled.
>
> "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag,"
> Belinda said as she headed for the door.
>
> "Excuse me! You're not leaving me trapped in this
> thing are you?" I shouted.
>
> Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the
> door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall
> lights 'til the power comes back on. I'll be righttttt
> backkkk."
>
> Before I could shout, "NO!" she disappeared.
>
> And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
> extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me
> dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging
> polite, "Hi, how's it going," type greetings, Bubba
> (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I
> knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my
> hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible.
> "Uh, yes... yes we did, thanks."
>
> "You bet, take care." Bubba replied and waved good-bye
> as though we'd been standing in the line at the
> grocery store.
>
> What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in
> wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to
> suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo
> sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
> about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we
> upset?"
>
> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
> between the clamps!...
>
>
>
> This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
> tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need
> you to do is step into this room right here, strip to
> the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
>
> I'm thinking, "Belinda try drinking decaf. This ain't
> rocket science."
>
> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
> horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented
> this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size
> of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.
> Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and
> everything nice... it's Spandex. We can be stretched,
> pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square
> glass and still pop back into shape. With the right
> side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
> left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy
> toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
>
> "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out
> of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my
> legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a
> holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard,
> then felt, ZAP!! Complete darkness!!
>
> "What happened?" I yelled.
>
> "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag,"
> Belinda said as she headed for the door.
>
> "Excuse me! You're not leaving me trapped in this
> thing are you?" I shouted.
>
> Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the
> door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall
> lights 'til the power comes back on. I'll be righttttt
> backkkk."
>
> Before I could shout, "NO!" she disappeared.
>
> And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
> extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me
> dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging
> polite, "Hi, how's it going," type greetings, Bubba
> (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I
> knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my
> hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible.
> "Uh, yes... yes we did, thanks."
>
> "You bet, take care." Bubba replied and waved good-bye
> as though we'd been standing in the line at the
> grocery store.
>
> What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in
> wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to
> suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo
> sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
> about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we
> upset?"
>
> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
> between the clamps!...
>
>
M
moreluck
Guest
Definitions:
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.
T
traveler
Guest
WEE SCOTSMAN JOKE
Scotsman At His First Baseball Game
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"! The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The Umpire called "Walk." The batter started his slow trot to first base. The Scot stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."
Scotsman At His First Baseball Game
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"! The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The Umpire called "Walk." The batter started his slow trot to first base. The Scot stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."
M
moreluck
Guest
Why you can't send a woman to the hardware store.....
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store to get a new hinge.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked him, "How much for that teapot?"
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100."
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the
teapot."
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store to get a new hinge.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked him, "How much for that teapot?"
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100."
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the
teapot."
T
traveler
Guest
HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS FOR FLORIDIANS 
After this past week we all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course:
We're into the enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
Homeowner's Insurance
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Shutters
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built (immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
Evacuation Route
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Hurricane Supplies
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
At least 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that will turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew or Charley; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember:
<font size="+1">It's great living in Paradise!</font>
After this past week we all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course:
We're into the enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
Homeowner's Insurance
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Shutters
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built (immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
Evacuation Route
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Hurricane Supplies
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
At least 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that will turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew or Charley; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember:
<font size="+1">It's great living in Paradise!</font>
T
traveler
Guest
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older Retired Submarine Sailor in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." she walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older Submarine Sailor and asks, "Can you top that?"
The Old Submariner replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." she walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older Submarine Sailor and asks, "Can you top that?"
The Old Submariner replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
M
moreluck
Guest
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little
> too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he
> decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
>
> The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly
> he
> looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger
> seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking
> out her
> window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
>
> With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's
> when
> he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked,
> "have
> you seen my other shoe?"
>
>
> too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he
> decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
>
> The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly
> he
> looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger
> seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking
> out her
> window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
>
> With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's
> when
> he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked,
> "have
> you seen my other shoe?"
>
>
M
moreluck
Guest
Subject: Finklestein & Jesus
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He Decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finklestein, the Tailor. So he went in and madethe necessary arrangements to have Finklestein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finklestein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" "whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finklestein the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finklestein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finklestein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finklestein's robes. He pushed His way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finklestein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" "Certainly" replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finklestein it is." "Oh, no, no" said Finklestein. "Finklestein & Jesus. After all I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finklestein's shop.Can you guess what it read???
Are you sure you want to know??
Here it comes........
Don't say you weren't warned......
LORD & TAYLOR
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He Decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finklestein, the Tailor. So he went in and madethe necessary arrangements to have Finklestein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finklestein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" "whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finklestein the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finklestein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finklestein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finklestein's robes. He pushed His way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finklestein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" "Certainly" replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finklestein it is." "Oh, no, no" said Finklestein. "Finklestein & Jesus. After all I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finklestein's shop.Can you guess what it read???
Are you sure you want to know??
Here it comes........
Don't say you weren't warned......
LORD & TAYLOR
- Status
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