Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

REDNECK LOVE POEM.......

> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
>
> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
> HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
>
> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
>

 

[traveler]

Are You Tired of all those sissy "FRIENDSHIP" Poems that ALWAYS sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is are promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end.
Why?, you may ask.
Because you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn.... that was fun!"

 

[moreluck]

A marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi
> soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of
> the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
> The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men,
> the Marine was asked what had happened.
>
> The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
> highway and coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier." Seeing
> each other we both took cover.
>
> "What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
> "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low life slug, and
> he yelled back: 'John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton are
> miserable slime balls'. "
>
> "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
>

 

[moreluck]

Maxine....the grand old girl......

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."

3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." *****

5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." ***********

6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." *****

7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

8. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita ******

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Inventions



> I've been to a patent attorney trying to register some of my inventions.
> She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
>
> I said, "A folding bottle."
> She said, "what do you call it?"
>
> "A Fottle"
>
> "What else do you have?"
>
> "A folding carton."
>
> "What do you call it?"
>
> "A Farton."
>
> She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
> them sounds downright rude."
>
> That made me mad so I grabbed the paper and left the office without
> telling her about my folding bucket.

 

[moreluck]

Alcohol Consumption....

Due to increasing products liability litigation,
> American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that
> the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of
> alcohol containers:
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
> wondering what the hell happened to your bra and
> panties.
> --------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
> think you are whispering when you are not.
> -------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
> factor in dancing like a .
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
> tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
> think you can sing.
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
> believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
> telephone them at 4:00 in the morning.
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
> think you can logically converse with other members
> of the opposite sex without spitting.
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
> cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees,
> and lower back.
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
> illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking than
> most people.
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
> think people are laughing WITH you.
> -----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> ----------------------------------------------
> WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink
> you can tipe real gode.
>
>

 

[moreluck]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

> When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of yours?"
>
> The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
>
> The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
> the name of yours. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan "'Just Do It."
>
> That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It
really satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a
beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"!
>
> The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX". The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"


> A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
>
> The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
>
> The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... Like A Rock!" And
> gives a wink.
>
> Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
>
> Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of mine is
> 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."
>
> The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says.....................

> "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

 

[moreluck]

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line
said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His
grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a lit
tle girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across
the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prett
ier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely in
to his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: When We Were Kids

It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day.

 

[retired]

THE DOGS OF WORK

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

 

[moreluck]

PREGNANCY Q & A



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.



Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.



Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's

borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?



Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but

pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is

in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.



Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.



Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act

normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

 

[traveler]

Quickies

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
_______________________________________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine."
_______________________________________________________________________

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
_______________________________________________________________________

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all," "Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
_______________________________________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

_______________________________________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
_______________________________________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_______________________________________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
________________________________________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken
casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And
then you dump the stock.
______________________________________________________________________

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets
the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
buying me a drink."
______________________________________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
______________________________________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling?"
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
_________________________________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
_________________________________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say
'asshol' afterwards!"

 

[moreluck]

Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers

10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8).

9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again?

Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!


And the number one biblical saying of mothers is:

1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked you to!

 

[moreluck]

Signs .......

Parking spaces near our seaside cottage are at a premium, and the street is often crowded with cars. One day our neighbor put a sign: NO PARKING HERE.

Later he added another: NO TURNING IN DRIVEWAY.

Finally, he added a third: NO CUTTING THROUGH THE YARD.

That's when the neighbor across the street put up his own sign:

AND DON'T COME OVER HERE EITHER!

 

[moreluck]

Politically Correct Statements for Students...

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

 

[moreluck]

Good motto to live by ..
>
> "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
> intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
> preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
> Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other,
> body
> thoroughly used up, totally wor! n out and screaming
> WOO HOO - What a Ride!"
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

A grandfather was telling his little granddaughter what his own childhood was
like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild rasp-
berries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last
she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
*****

 

[moreluck]

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug
goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days >when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and
she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though.

 

[moreluck]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points
in his body
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third was a grizzled old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where
he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my
testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him,
provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em",
which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied........ "Vietnam"

 

[cheryl]

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things, God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."