Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
>
> Answer: Princess Diana's death.
>
> Explaination:
> An English princess
> with an Egyptian boyfriend
> crashes in a French tunnel,
> driving a German car
> with a Dutch engine,
> driven by a Belgian who was drunk
> on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
> spelling)
> followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
> on Japanese motorcycles;
> treated by an American doctor,
> using Brazilian medicines.
> This is sent to you by an American,
> using Bill Gates's technology,
> and you're probably reading this on your computer,
> that use Taiwanese chips,
> and a Korean monitor,
> assembled by Bangladeshi workers
> in a Singapore plant,
> transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
> hijacked by Indonesians,
> unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
> and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
>
> That, my friends, is Globalization
>

 

[moreluck]

Grandparents.....

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandpa, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are
we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
*****
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to
test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should
try to figure out some of these yourself!"
*****
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure.
" "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine says I'm four"
*****
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the child-
ren getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back
to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-
old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*****
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
*****
Our five-year-! old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie
we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes
with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle
of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to
sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!

*****
A second grader came home from school and said to his dad, "Dad, guess what?
We learned how to make babies today." The dad, more than a little surprised
, tried to keep his cool. "That's interesting," he said, "How do you make ba-
bies?" "It's simple," replied the boy. "You just change"y" to "i" and add es!


(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one???)
*****

..And from my own personal family story, comes this:
My oldest niece was driving her two children home from school, when her 12
year old daughter asked:
"Mom, what's a condom?"
Being a bit shaken by the question and before she could reply, her 8 year old
son said,
"Oh I know ... it's a compound word!"
She had a difficult time trying to contain her laughter.
*****
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy
wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad
aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure
," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
******

*****
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another,
"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close....
"They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

 

[traveler]

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Billy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Billy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

 

[moreluck]

STRESS:

A teacher was giving a lecture to his students on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, "How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm. "It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it is OK. If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." "If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier." "What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again." We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. So before you return home from work tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it back home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment if you can. Pick it up again later when you have rested...
Rest and relax. Life is short, enjoy it!!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: THESE HANDS

An old man, probably some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the park bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if he was ok.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he was ok. He raised his head and looked at me and smiled.

Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking, he said in a clear strong voice.

I didn't mean to disturb you, sir, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were ok I explained to him.

Have you ever looked at your hands he asked. I mean really looked at your hands?

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making.

Then he smiled and related this story:

Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.

They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son.

Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the aisle. Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friends foot. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw.

And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life.

 

[moreluck]

Dusting



"A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you" on the furniture."

I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent CLEANING!


I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over." Then I realized one day that no one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!

Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must,
but wouldn't it be better to
paint a picture or write a letter, bake a cake or

plant a seed, ponder
the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time, with rivers to swim and
mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come, and it's not kind. And when you go -- and go you must -- you, yourself will make more dust!

. It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of
life you have lived.

 

[traveler]

Subject: Scientific break through...




A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.

 

[traveler]

I finally broke down and bought my wife a riding mower.


About 3 years ago I bought an electric start mower for her. She would have much preferred a riding mower at that time, but I hated to spend the money at the time.

Now I found one that I could afford.

The really good part is that we're doing our part to stop pollution.

 

[traveler]

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my homes.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.

Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein

 

[traveler]

JOB APPLICATION

NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).

EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months).

MILITARY:
I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book " Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months).

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

PERSONAL I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

 

[moreluck]

: Remember the Apron?
>
>
>
> Some of you may be old enough to remember aprons...
>
> The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,
> but
> along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the
> oven;
> it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even
> used for
> cleaning out dirty ears.
>
> From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks,
> and
> sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
>
> When company came those old aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids;
> and
> when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
>
> Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood
> stove. Chips and kindling-wood were brought into the kitchen in that
> apron.
>
>
> From the garden it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had
> been
> shelled it carried out the hulls.
>
>
> In the fall it was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
> When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much
> furniture
> that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
>
>
> When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out on the porch and waved her
> apron,
> and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields for dinner.
>
>
> It will be a long time before anyone invents something that will replace
> that
> old-time apron that served so many purposes.
>
> Author unknown

 

[moreluck]

What would you do?
>
> Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of
> owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.
>
> The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful
> daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
> He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter.
> Both
> the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning
> money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. He told
> them
> that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money
> bag.
> Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.
>
> 1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her
> father's
> debt would be forgiven.
>
> 2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's
> debt would still be forgiven.
>
> 3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into
> jail.
>
> They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they
> talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked
> them up,
> the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and
> put
> them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.
>
> Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.
> What would you have done if you were the girl?
> If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?
>
> Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
> 1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
>
> 2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and
> expose the money-lender as a cheat.
>
> 3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to
> save
> her father from his debt and imprisonment.
>
> Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the
> hope
> that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical
> thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical
> thinking.
> Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.
>
> What would you recommend to the Girl to do?
>
>
>
> Well, here is what she did ....
> The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without
> looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path
> where it
> immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
> "Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the
> bag
> for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."
>
> Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had
> picked
> the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty,
> the
> girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely
> advantageous
> one.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
> Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt
> to
> think.
>

 

[moreluck]

What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?

Say whatever you want... he's asleep.

 

[moreluck]

THE TRUTH............

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the
water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a
living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden
thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied,
"No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is
this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried
out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh
Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The
seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come
up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up
with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all
three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care
of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fw: Andy Rooney's Tips for Telemarketers


> > > > Three Little Words That Work!!
> > > >
> > > > (1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
> > > >
> > > > Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off
> > (instead of hanging up immediately) would make each call so much
> > more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
> > > >
> > > > Then, when you hear the phone company's "beep-beep" tone,
>
> you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
efficiently
>
> completed its task.
> > > >
>
> > > > These three little words will help eliminate telephone
soliciting.
>
>
>
>
> > > > (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on
> > the other end?
> > > >
> > > > This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone
> > calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
> > > >
> > > > This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a
> >"real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
>
>
> > > > What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one
> >there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7
>
> >times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed
> > the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a
shame
> > to not have your name in their system any longer! > >
> > > >
> > > > (3) Junk Mail Help:
> > > >
> > > > When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
>
> return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw
>
> their own junk mail away.
> > > >
> > > > When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
> > everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do
not
> throw away the return envelope.
> > > >
> > > > Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
> > > >
> > > > It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and
> when they receive them back.
> > > >
> > > > It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage
> was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the
> weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and
put
> it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
> > > >
> > > > One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
> > > >
> > > > Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
> Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else
that
> day,
>
> then just send them their blank application back!
> > > >
> > > > If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't

>
> on anything you send them.
> > > >
> > > > You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just
keep
> them guessing!
>
> It still costs them 37 cents.
> > > >
> > > > The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot
of
> their own junk
>
> back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know
what
> it's like
>
> to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
> > > >
> > > > Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying
that
> e-mail is cutting into
>
> their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage
costs
> again. You get the idea !
> > > >
> > > > If enough people follow these tips, it will work----
> > > >
> > > > I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk
mail
> anymore.
>
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

New Job

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

 

[moreluck]

New Medications....



ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
> unconscious
> for up to two days.
>
> E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
> how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
> out.
>
> P E P T O B I M B O
> Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
> evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents
> conception.
>
> D U M B E R O L
> When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,
> resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>
> friend L I P I T O R
> Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
> and the urge to flip off other drivers.
>
> M E N I C I L L I N
> Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
> lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked
> now?"
>
> B U Y A G R A
> Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration
> and credit limit of spending spree.
>
> J A C K A S S P I R I N
> Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
> anniversary or phone number.
>
> A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
> A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
> share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
>
> N A G A M E N T
> When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as
> nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
> herself

 

[moreluck]

Subject: No Nursing Home


ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE TO A NURSING HOME, IN CASE HOLIDAY INN DOESN'T WORK
OUT!!................


There will be no nursing home in my future .

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on
reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior
discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast
in bed every day of the week)
.
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you
.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for
them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare.
If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you
to a suite for the rest of your life.

10. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you
want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me
in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at
no charge.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: New Walmart Product.....


> BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Walmart customers soon
> will be able to sample a new discount item: Walmart's
> own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is
> teaming up with J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California,
> to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the
> $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be
> inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into
> their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap
> wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at
> Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said:
> "The right name is important. "So, here we go:
> >
> The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:
>
> 12. Chateau Traileur Parc
> 11. White Trashfindel
> 10. Big Red Gulp
> 9. Grape Expectations
> 8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
> 7. NASCARbernet
> 6. Chef Boyardeaux
> 5. Peanut Noir
> 4. Chateau des Moines
> 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
> 2. World Championship Riesling
>
> And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine .
> >
> 1. Nasti Spumante
> >
> The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served
> with both white(Possum) and red meat (squirrel).
>
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Li'l Johnny
>
> A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John
> Kerry
> fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be
> liked
> by
> the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The
> teacher
> asks
> Johnny why he has decided to be different.
>
> Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
>
> The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"
>
> Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
>
> The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
>
> The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George
> Bush
> fan,
> so I'm a George Bush fan!"
>
> The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks,
> "What
> if
> your mom was a maroon and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
>
> Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan!
>