Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

SIGNS. . . . . .

1. Veterinarian's office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten.

2. In parking lot outside vet's office in Silverton: "Parking for customers only, others will be neutered."

3. In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

4. Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."

5. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

6. Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we help pick your nose?"

7. In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

8. At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

9. On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

10. On Maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
11. On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

12. In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

13. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

14. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

15. Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

16. At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

17. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

18. In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

 

[moreluck]

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
_________________________________________________

A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"

The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
_______________________________

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Chinese Sick Leave

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and then I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: 1974


I am sending this only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to
relate to it.


1974: Long hair

2004: Longing for hair



1974: KEG

2004: EKG



1974: Acid rock

2004: Acid reflux




1974: Moving to California because it's cool

2004: Moving to California because it's warm



1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor

2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon
Brando or Liz Taylor



1974: Seeds and stems

2004: Roughage



1974: Hoping for a BMW

2004: Hoping for a BM



1974: The Grateful Dead

2004: Dr. Kevorkian



1974: Going to a new, hip joint

2004: Receiving a new hip joint



1974: Rolling Stones

2004: Kidney Stones



1974: Being called into the principal's office

2004: Calling the principal's office



1974: Screw the system

2004: Upgrade the system



1974: Disco

2004: Costco



1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut


2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



1974: Passing the drivers' test

2004: Passing the vision test



1974: Whatever

2004: Depends



Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:


The people who are starting college this fall
across the nation were born in 1986. They are
too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and
plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were
born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote
control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight
Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the
microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about
Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses
are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he
was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd
walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss,
de plane".


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no
idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam
containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a
typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other
old fogies on your list.

 

[moreluck]

Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the World famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:

1.) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.

2.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3.) Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4.) Hi. Now you say something.

5.) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6.) Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7.) Hello! If you leave a message, I"ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

8.) Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11.) Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

12.) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

14.) Hello, you've reached Jim and Carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Wisdom from Grandpa .......


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth....Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

 

[cheryl]

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,


"Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[moreluck]

Dog Pet Peeves

1. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGING DOG!

2. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

3. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...STOP IT!

5. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't mastered that handshake thing yet.

7. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. You're just jealous.

9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> up when you're not home.

10. Taking me to the vet for the "Big Snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

11. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

12. The sleight of hand. Fake, fetch, throw. You fooled a dog!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

 

[moreluck]

15 Things That Took Years to Learn
Author Unknown

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

9. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

13. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

[navigator]

A man walks into a bar with a slap of asphalt under his arm:
"A beer, please and one for the road."

 

[traveler]

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED , "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR AND MORRIS SAID "ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"


MORRIS REPLIED "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: This &amp; That

Studies show that most people gain weight in certain places -- like bakeries and restaurants.

Square meals make round people.

To eat is human, to over-indulge is divine.

Having a perfect body isn't difficult -- it's impossible.

One should eat to live, not live to eat!

Ewe's not fat, ewe's fluffy.

The seefood diet is the only fail-proof diet. See food. Eat food.

Dieting is the cherry pits.

If you gain five pounds, it's water. If you lose five pounds, it's fat!

Taste makes waist.

A middle age spread is the result of too many nights round the table.

Another deep breath take, and do without that chocolate cake! Milk chocolate is a dairy product.

 

[moreluck]

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's."
More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it .and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

 

[moreluck]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

 

[badhab1]

I sent all of my kids a $100 bill for Christmas. The problem is that none of them paid it.

 

[moreluck]

IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON


I planted some birdseed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I went to San Francisco.
I found someone's heart.

Now what? Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place,
men would ride sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible
.. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one,
......for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer,
every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height which varies.

I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be selfhelp "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is onesecond per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination,
or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

[moreluck]

Did You Know That?
>
> 1. Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve
> headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects
> caused by traditional "pain relievers."
>
> 2. Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for
> burns?
>
> 3. Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled
> with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong
> Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
>
> 4. Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of
> horseradish in cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes,
> then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
>
> 5. Sore Throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and
> take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
>
> 6. Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two
> tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
>
> Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost
> instantly even though the product was never advertised for this use.
>
> 7. Eliminate puffiness under your eyes..... All you need is a dab of
> preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The
> hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling
> instantly.
>
> 8. Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of
> honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the
> skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
>
> 9. Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly
> toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The
> powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
>
> 10. Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses
> from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail
> polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
>
> 11. Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers.
> Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust
> stain.
>
> The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
>
> 12. Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees,
> wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find
> the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground
> instantly.
>
> 13. Smart splinter remover... just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue all
> over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The
> splinter sticks to the dried glue.
>
> 14. Hunt's tomato paste boil cure... cover the boil with Hunt's tomato
> paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and
> bring the boil to a head.
>
> 15. Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on
> a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.
>
> 16. Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white
> vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the
> blueness and speeds up the healing process.
>
> 17. Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick.
> Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly.
>
> Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
>
> 18. Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from
> the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,
> instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
>
> 19. Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn
> oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball.
> Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the
> mites, and accelerates healing.
>
> 20. Vaseline cure for hair balls..... To prevent troublesome hair
> balls, apply a dollop of Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose.
> The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so
> it can pass easily through the digestive system.
>
> 21. Quaker Oats for fast pain relief.... It's not for breakfast
> anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and
> warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture
> to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
>

 

[bwattsgcc]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

 

[moreluck]

Beautiful Women

Age 3:
She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:
She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15:
She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20:
She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30:

She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" -- but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.

Age 40:
She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50:
She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60:
She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:
She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:
Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

 

[traveler]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy





OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime






SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.




GENERAL EQUATIONS &amp; STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.





HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.






LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.




PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.





DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.





HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.